(LWP) Life without parent

Sobs, My relationship with my parents was full of misunderstanding. But then again, you have to lose something to feel the value of it.

My Father passed away in 2013, and My Mother in 2018.

I don't have to worry about their welfare, whether they are safe and had their meals and medicines etc. There was a time, I was having a tremendous burden about that. I don't have sudden painful quarrels in my life. My traveling has become less, I don't need to go to two places to visit them. (They were living in two different places as they were separated.) At the last decade of their lives, they both became so bitter, sad and utterly depressed.

But there are so many decreasing points as well.

I miss my mother…I miss her waiting for me to come home. I really miss her fabulous cooking…her jellof rice,While i’m doing my own work, she would prepare my meals, etc…I never had to bother thinking about my meals. She was forever nagging about drinking clean boiled water. She was so concern about healthy living eating greens, veggies, fish, and fruits!!! If I forgot to eat, she would be after me until I ate something.

Today, I eat all my meals from outside eateries, their food so unhealthy. I get so little amounts of veggies too. When my mother is giving me food, I would get a big serving of things I like.

I miss her selecting beautiful cloths for me. I dunno why or how, she simply can select better than me. I miss her combing my hair.she gently untangles my hair and combs it. But now, when I’m not bothered or simply don't have time, there are thick snarls at base of my neck (lol). From 2013, my hair didn't get that kind of love.

when I get ill, I really miss them…miss their cool hands touching my forehead. I miss them taking me to the best doctor that they can afford to. Sometimes I come home, and just flops onto my bed and sleep. When my parents were alive, they would wake me up to eat and remind me to be alive. Now no one know whether I ate, or not had anything for days.

Especially when I go to hospital, and see other patients having their loved ones with them, or getting calls from them…I used to get calls like that. There were times I felt impatient with my parents. Today, no one is there to ask.

I miss my Father. I shared a lot of my struggles with him. He wouldn't understand much of it, but he was there and I can tell him if anything is worrying me. After his absence in this world, I have felt so deeply alone , that even now I’m struggling to come out of it. I know that I have become silent a lot. Even when I pray, I struggle against it.

When father used to discuss continually about my exams,what I’m going to do in future and all, I used to get WILD!! He wouldn't know a lot about current trends, so he would ask from his small social circle of friends and get ideas and pass them on to me. Every day he would remind me to wake up early and study well at least for one hour.

Today, I am lost in the corporate world, where everyone is at competition with each other, I wish I could hear his voice one more time giving me motivation to press on, hit on and live on because this life is full of struggles.

Without parents, I don't feel as If I belong anywhere. I don't have a home, or people to call my own. I can get a rented house, buy furniture and etc. But home is home, it’s where your own people live.I cant buy that sense of belonging from anywhere.

my parents are like records of lineage. They can recite who is related to whom and go back to several generations of information. without them, I’m clueless. It’s as if with them, I have lost my roots. I have lost my links. I don't know how to explain it.

I have all these memories with me. But those people who played a major part on them are gone forever.

No one waits for me now. My parents had this habit of waiting for me to come. During the last few years, their waiting was a painful thing for me. But now, I hope they are at peace, no more waiting till I come to their sight.

Right now, I’m stuck at a dreary job which I dislike. If my parents were there, I would probably have given resignation and stayed home until I found a better prospect. It’s knowing that no matter what, they will be with me. But now, I’m a true God dependent Man, I can endure lots of crap and keep pressing on clinging to hand of God.

In certain aspects I have become worse, I’m a slob sometimes, I dont care that much about what I eat, or how many hours I sleep…In certain aspects, I have become hard worker, juggling a job and freelance teaching, for I must earn my living, there are obligations that I need to meet.

I have become more God dependent, more of clinging to God, adept at living one day at a time, spending money carefully, investing myself carefully, pressing on in spite of wanting to give up, value the love and kindness I get from people, value the relationships I have, and etc.

without parents, you wont die.

Life goes on inexorably.

I owe big time to God and all the love He has given me. He has been everything to me. Today I live because of Him.