My Own Battle

It all started in May. I realized that something was wrong with me when I pushed away all guys I have dated with . I also noticed that I spent time alone frequently, not able to concentrate and report on time at work, Sleeping all day on weekends, declining friends invite and even family dinners. Lastly my hands started to draw, again.

Well, I just ignored it and shrug it off. Who cares? It’s just some mood changes.

Then I met someone who's clinically diagnosed with depression, this discouraged me to have myself checked, as I'm frightened to feel what it really feels like. I also don’t want to depend on the drug that will be prescribed to me, beside he was my happy pill. My breaking point was on the day he told me that we have to stop seeing each other. Though, I know that we are heading in this direction, this triggered what I suspected I have been going through.

So that weekend I took a bus going anywhere. I end up on the same Island where I found happiness before. I thought spending time alone will help, but it didn’t. It was one of the longest and saddest night of my life.

Days passed it got sadder and sadder. It was a feeling of constant sadness, Isolation and hopelessness. I’m successful hiding it at home because I do not want them to worry, but I couldn’t hide it at work and with my friends, People around me see this changes, I told them that I'm depressed, but they never believe me, I could still see the judgment in their faces. I was even told to refrain from describing ordinary emotions as depressed. Someone even said my case wasn't depression at all, and it just some overreacting sh*t.

Yeah. Maybe their right. What if my symptoms weren't enough to be called "clinical"? Does that mean that this sadness that I’ve been going through is just a rage in emotions? I don’t know. I feared confirming that I do have depression, because I’m scared. The news online about an artist who took his own life due to depression doesn’t help too. No!!! I don’t see myself doing that, because truthfully speaking, I fear death.

Until I had courage to seek professional help, and finally able to accept and validate what I have been going through. Hence, if you are reading this take care of your mental health. Our spirits maybe strong, but our souls sometimes can be vulnerable. Our hearts can easily be broken and our mind can be manipulated. Don’t force your spirit to carry all that. Take time to decompress, refocus and allow yourself to feel love and hope. Things will get better soon...

Right now, don’t worry about me. I’m getting better. I know, no one can help me get through with this except me. On the brighter side this thought me a lot.

Cheers
H here