A Step Forward

How rapidly the tides change. I am ecstatic. I feel incredible! I finally did it. I finally broke out of my shell and let myself be free. I had sex with a man. It felt incredible, and it has made my mind clock in at twice its previous speed.

Honestly, it was not the best sex. Actually, it was terrible. I was not doing this to fulfill my lust. I was doing this to heal myself; to step out of my comfort zone and prove to myself that I am not completely hopeless. I believe all the inhibitions and feelings of worthlessness will fade in time through reconditioning myself to feel more confident, more free.

Again, we met on Grindr. I feel it may be a while before I am capable of meeting and wooing anybody in person. A part of me was on edge the entire experience because the idea of hooking up with strangers still does not sit well with me. STDs are a huge fear of mine. There is a griminess to using an app to hook-up with someone I have sent a handful of messages back and forth.

At the same time, the ease at which people can meet through electronic means must be doing some significant good in the world. As our society grows more and more isolated, having alternatives to find others on one’s wavelength becomes a necessity. I am grateful these apps exists, but at the same time I feel subhuman relying on them to perform one of the most basic functions of life.

I was nervous, but excited as I walked to his house. We had chatted a while, so I felt comfortable with him. There were a lot of guys on the app that I would not hook up with in a million years. A bunch sent a dick pic right out of the gate. While slightly erotic, it’s more of a turn off. My body is my temple, and I’m not about to go throwing it willy-nilly at whatever body floats my way.

His house was a mess. Not dirty, just disheveled. I could definitely survive by playing the role of a sub and satisfying those needs for him.

Nothing was really awkward as we walked upstairs and disrobed, but it was also anti-climatic. It all felt automatic, like it was on rails. I prefer more romance, more connection, but in this moment I was open to anything, hoping to overcome my fears.

He was not much to look at, but I felt beautiful the way he looked at me. I loved feeling like I had power over him just by virtue of how I made him feel by looking at me. I certainly have a lot of work to do for acting sexy, but I think I did alright. I certainly felt like I was a little demoness using her curves to seduce and control another.

He did not last long, but it was enough to let me know that I am going to absolutely love the future in front of me. There is no fear. Whatever life throws at me, I know I will have a safety net made by making others feel good. I may not be a sex worker in the traditional sense, but I am using sex to my advantage. Who knew networking would be so easy once you peel off the band-aid?

There is a little lingering fear about disease. We used protection and did not exchange bodily fluids, but there’s always that persistent anxiety thanks to watching my mother decay. It’s such a minor thing, but it is staying with me. I even used mouth wash right afterwards, and brushed my teeth and took a shower when I got home. I feel this compulsion to find some tumeric and make a tea like I learned in California. I know I am fine, but that dread…

I know it is not her fault, but I feel like cursing my mother for contracting that damn disease and turning me into a hypochondriac. I do feel like my father is responsible for making things much worse than they would have been. Who in their right mind shows their 10-year old son pictures of diseased dicks for hours? I know he did it to teach me the consequences unprotected sex, but he royally fucked up my mind.

It gives me perspective though. I have something most people will never know; knowledge of what society looks like from the outside. Like a man coming in from the desert, I am now learning the rules of the cultural games we play without the inconvenience of preconceived ideas of how things work.

Afterwards, we talked a bit while getting dressed. He mentioned banging his knee absent-mindedly at work. I brought up meditation, which led into talking about a few other things. He seemed very receptive. It’s just a single seed, but I planted it. It may help grow him, or not. We’ll see, and I won’t have a problem planting more. I feel like I can help him. Just a little nudge here and there while leading others almost carrot-on-a-stick like with my body. I can be a sex object for the greater good.

Hey, this is a journal entry from a project I am really enjoying so far. It's allowing me to write about my life as I discover myself, and reflect on the past while I do so. I want to turn this into a book. I really appreciate any support, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for taking the time to let me share this piece of myself with you.