My Life Story

All my life I've been a giver never a taker. Always giving other people what they wanted even if it meant I went without. I was never one to say NO to anything. So much so that all my hopes and dreams were put on the back burner and my financial state in dire need of repair. I've always tried so hard to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own well-being. (So much so that I'm now bipolar with severe depression & social anxiety) Yet today I sit here alone with all those people that I've helped nowhere to be found. All the years and hours put into working only to give it to other people in need. There has been many times that I gave my weekly earnings away just to help someone out. Never asking for anything in return nor even to be paid back. All the times I've been the emotion support and countless nights I've stayed up all night to be a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen.

I was always told I give good advice. So much so that all through my teen years, all my friends came to me to unload their problems. So I carried not only my own problems but those of many others, while struggling with my own life emotionally and mentally. With problems at home and not fitting it at school. There has been so many times I've come close to giving up on life but because I've always been about how others felt and not wanting to hurt them, I could never follow through knowing the pain I'd put them through.

I've been told time and time again, that I should listen to my own advice, yet I have never been one to listen to my own advice even though it's help so many people.

I don't regret helping those in need but I do find it a bit disturbing when the shoe is on the other foot, those same people who I've helped, just brush me off like it's nothing.
I no longer hear from anyone ever since I was no longer able to help. I guess all my life I've been paying for friendships and once the money ran out, the friendships became no more.

The past year or so I've taken a step back from doing for others in hopes that someday I can finally fulfill my own dream. Although I wished I'd of done so sooner while making a weekly income rather than a monthly one so I had a better chance at actually seeing my dream come true. I guess it's better to get a late start, then never to start at all. It may take me another 10 years if it happens at all, but at least I can say I gave it my all to see that my dream comes true.

I have so much more to say but so afraid of being judged. Even putting this much out there is overwhelming to me but I've been trying everything in my power to overcome my anxiety and fear. Many times the only thing one can do is write down how they're feeling or what they're thinking rather than leave it bottled up inside to eat away at their soul and sanity.