RE: I want to write... but I'm too disgusted with myself to begin...
I don't know exactly how you feel, but I did take my turn as a stay at home dad from the time my son was 3 to 18 months. I can tell you I was an awesome dad... but a below average mom. You are right. We are wired differently than moms. And that is OK! Because even if you are at home, your job is not to be the mom. Your job is to be a kick ass dad.
The fact that you were in the military (I was not so thank you for your service!) probably means you are like me and big into "pulling your weight". Well I can tell you from experience that there is no bigger weight to pull than being a parent. But it is weird when you are a dad. We like to see projects through from beginning to end.
When we put up drywall, we sand it, paint it and then stand back and say "That's a damn good job. Well done. I earned a beer."
But with parenting, there is no finished product. So it may feel like you aren't accomplishing anything. But believe me. You are. Every day. If you look at every day as it's own project, that might help. You accomplish something every day by just making it to bedtime.
When you look back in 20 years, I think you will realize you performed the most important job in your life (although I bet yours might be spilt between your service to your family and your service to the citizens of your country).
20 years from now, you won't find many people who say, "Man I wish I worked more." But you will find many who say, "Man I wish I spent more time with my kids." I'm not a very religious guy but I do believe in fate. Maybe your kid really needs you right now. Maybe there is a very good reason that you are being directed toward staying at home.
That's all great and logical, but you still have feelings. My suggestion would be to get away from your house every once in a while. Being there all day every day can make you go stir crazy. Set some time aside for yourself man. You are earning it. You are "going against your wiring" for the good of your family. That's pretty heroic man.
By the way, parenting does get much easier. If it didn't, no one in the world would ever have more than 1...
Well said mate.
Nice post! What will happening, if someone resteem your post?
many thanks man... that was some solid advice. I think its just that nagging feeling that I'm doing more harm than good at times, especially when my temper flares up.
"Nothing new under the sun...", I know. Just can't figure out when, where, or how it will all come together.
Again, many thanks. Your words meant a good deal.