Inadequacy
Today my boyfriend and I had one of our famous "discussions". The one's where I yell and he mostly makes smart ass comments. I was angry and then when he left. I was hurt and I just wanted to take a shower. I spent most of my show balled up, crying on the floor, wondering why any of this affected me so much. The argument was little and stupid and neither of us would care about it in an hour or so, but I get so stuck on the things he says some times. I play them over and over and I get angry all over again and hurt all over again. I realized what I was fighting with was not him, even in the midst of the conversation, I was not even arguing with him or anything he said. Who or what in the hell was I arguing with? My own feelings. He couldn't win that fight, he didn't have even the slightest chance. I was losing and what seemed to be winning were my own feelings of inadequacy. I knew that I was going to wait for him to return and when he didn't want to acknowledge me, I would use that again to validate my own feelings of inadequacy.
In my pity party on my shower floor, I remembered something weird and I asked myself, "do you remember the first time you felt this feeling?" I looked into my past and saw my little self, sitting in the same position I was in. My little girl face, covered in tears recapping just moments prior, staring at a mirror with my drunken grandmother behind me telling me to "look at yourself...look at your face, you even look like him, that's Christopher's (my biological dad) face. That's Chris Moore's blood, not Calloway ( the man I had called dad my whole life) blood." I was so angry and so helpless. What was I supposed to do?
And then it hit me. I looked in the mirror at that weak, docile little girl and I made up my mind after that point in my life. In order to not feel weak and inadequate I have to be loud and hostile. I have carried this into my life. Defending myself, loudly and aggressively for as long as I can remember. But the weakness and those feelings don't go away, they just succumb to something with more energy, but once that energy is released...same feelings.
![](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/https://s3.postimg.org/w2v5keiv7/download.jpg)
Lots of love and many blessings,
goddessj
Grateful for your journeys within, revealing the inner child witnessing the first wound is where the healing begins.
Congratulations @goddessj! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOP
That it true. It has taken me sometime to truly start seeing my own worth. I grew up with a father that would constantly call my brothers and l dummies. So l went through life feeling unworthy of success with my god given talent. But no more l am a damn good artist/illustrator and the world is going to know it. Keep your head high never forget there is greatness in you.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really appreciate your words of wisdom, if you can grow to feel this way about yourself, that I can as well.
All good things!