Forgiveness: Visiting my dad and his other family

I am currently living in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.

But about 6 months ago I made a trip to Kampong Cham, which is a rural province of Cambodia, about a 45-minute car ride outside of Phnom Penh to visit my dad and half-brothers. I haven't seen my dad in over 10 years and I have never met my half-brothers before.

After my mom passed away a few years ago, I felt like it was time for me to visit my dad.

When I was growing up, I used to despise my dad for having another family. I hated him for this and listened to everything my mother told me about him. Even though she still kept in contact with him, she would always tell me and my siblings that he, "didn't love us" and that he, "didn't care about us anymore".

Knowing my dad from before he left us in High school, I knew he still loved us and cared about us. He just couldn't take it anymore in America. It was hard for him to make a living, not knowing a lot of English and all, and also raising four kids and living with my mom, who wasn't the easiest person to live with.

As an adult now and in my 30s, knowing how hard it is to make a living even knowing the English language, I can't help but want to forgive my dad. I really wanted to reach out to him and make amends.

But I had no idea how it was going to feel like when I went to visit him. His sons--my half-brothers--would always message me on facebook and try to reach out to me. I had mixed feelings about meeting them. I had so many different emotions in me. I felt betrayed. I felt like my dad didn't love us, that's why he left. I felt like I would not feel any connection to these people, who are on the other side of the world, and who knew nothing about me. I was scared that I wouldn't like them. I've never hated anyone that I knew nothing about. It was a strange feeling. And it was a feeling that I wanted to go away.

But I still had to meet them. Something in me kept scratching at the idea that perhaps I needed to go back to my roots. At the same time, I wanted to reconnect with my past. I just felt that in order for me to move on and create a future for myself, I needed to forgive my dad and to meet the people that my father has been living the rest of his life with.

So I booked a flight out, and flew out to Cambodia for a few weeks. It was time. I was really nervous. I didn't know what to think or how I was going to feel.

When I finally met my dad's other family, the feelings of betrayal went away. They welcomed me with open arms and were always full of smiles. They always made sure I was happy and made sure I had everything I needed. They always made sure I was comfortable. Every time I was hungry or thirsty, they would always have a meal or drink waiting for me. They actually gave me more love and attention than my own siblings did back at home.

My dad's second wife, who I call "Meeng", which means auntie in Khmer, made us dinner and we had a very nice home-cooked dinner.

It reminded me a lot of my mom's cooking. There was something about the meal. For some reason it slowly made any last feelings of betrayal and resentment in me, melt away.

There is something about food that can help clear up any bad emotions. I remember growing up, my parents would argue a lot. There were times when they really wanted to hurt each other. But, whenever things would settle, food would bring the family back together again. My mom would cook everyone food and my dad couldn't' help but not be angry again.

After Dinner, my half-brothers wanted to play soccer so we went into our dad's backyard.

When I walked out with them, I couldn't help but get a feeling of being home. I couldn't help but get a sense of awe and appreciation of where I had come from and how far I had come. It was such a nice feeling that I felt the need to take a snapshot.

As I started to become more comfortable being around my half-brothers, I started to feel all these new emotions. I started to really be appreciative of my life. And I started to really feel like I was home. I had a sense of identity and a sense of where I belonged.

But I also felt like it wasn't enough. I also felt like I needed to do something. Something more, than just finding myself. I had a moment of clarity.

That day, I learned to forgive my dad. I learned to forgive him for leaving us. I could see why he did it. Partly for himself, in a selfish way; but I think part of it also was because he knew that his kids in America had it good. We had a decent education in American, and we had more opportunities to make it, compared to his kids in Cambodia . He felt that he would not have to worry about us too much.

HIs kids in Cambodia needed him more. He had to make sure they were taken care of.

I'm not saying that he was a good father...but he wasn't the worst either. On the bright side, I can argue that he allowed me to become the person I am today, and put no restrictions on me. I think that was the best thing he could've done for me because I learned on my own and on my own terms. It allowed me to be a free thinker and allowed me to see the world without any bias from him. He gave me a sense of freedom that I think most children never get from fathers that suffocate them with authoritative parenting. I guess for this, I can thank him for.

I don't know what kind of person I could've turned out to be if I had a different type of father. But nobody knows.I've always been told to "play the cards you're dealt" and "make the best of it".

From this visit, being able to forgive my dad; I realized what I needed to do, and I realized my dreams and goals. I will share them on my future posts!

Please share if you've had a similar experience. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for my next stories!

(me on left and my oldest half-brother on right)