Trying to find calm in the chaos

The struggle is real.

I want to give up. To quit life. To run away from everything and everyone I know. I’m trying to be strong but really, I’m struggling to keep my head above water. The one person I want to go to for guidance, who I know would put things in a way that would just make sense, my sister, isn’t here anymore. It’s 7 weeks since she passed away and although I know it’s still fresh and very raw, I just want to talk to her, to sit down with a glass of wine and have her put things in perspective and make me go urgh you’re right!!!

I keep convincing myself it should’ve been me. I don’t believe anyone life is more valuable or deserving than the next, but she had a mind that would’ve helped changed the world. She helped change my world through her beliefs and words, she had so much to give the world whereas I don’t know that I do? I know I’m a good person but even that has come into question the last few weeks. I’m questioning everything, something which I know isn’t bad, just confronting, uncomfortable and hard to do when I already feel so incredibly vulnerable.

I do believe the universe has my back and I’m here for a reason though. As much as I’m struggling and could quite easily see myself just quitting, it’s not an option. I owe my sister that much at least to keep my head up and keep moving forward. I guess it’s hard when all areas of my life are chaotic at once and I’m trying to wade through the chaos to get to the calm.

I’m trying to look at the positives. I’m human and I know I’ve made mistakes which have come to the surface and forced me to look at other aspects of myself during an already difficult, trying time which has been incredibly tough and confronting. It definitely has added to the stress, struggles and feelings of despair. I am grateful for having good people around me though who make the struggle that little bit easier to conquer.

Just need to keep going, one day at a time. It’s going to take time and I know I’ll figure it out. Just got to get through the chaos first and figure out what I’m made for in this universe.