My dear, Ayden Mikhail.

I am writing even though I’ve been told that I shouldn’t. I’m not sure what I should be writing, but I thought if I went back to beginning it could help me find myself. I’ve written this a thousand times but I could never find the right words.

My hope is by remembering the past; I can help myself in the present. I don't care about the vote. I just wanna write something that keeps buzzing my head.

November 17, 2017, is the most valuable moment for me. Moments where the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. It's almost 3 years. That 3 years may be a small figure for some people, but for us, it was like three decades. When hearing the news, time seems to have stopped. We do not believe that will appear a precious gift in our lives. It's a boy.

Day by day, more and more passing. On February 6, 2018, we had lost the light that illuminates our lives. This 5 months of joy is difficult for me to forget. I still feel how he moves on and kicked in the stomach. His heartbeat when we did a scan at the clinic is still ringing in the ears.

No matter how hard I try, it always comes back to the now. My present reality’s not a pretty sight. It’s a thing of agony and delirium. I don't feel like eating. I can't live my life..but somehow, I’m finding the more I put down on paper, the closer I feel to him. There is so much I wanted to tell him. So many adventures I thought we could share. I’m not saying it got any easier over the years, but it never more frightening than the 1st time he disappeared.

My husband @rehanrhapsody, made this sketch.

I just don’t know about my pain any longer..stuff that I thought I had worked out...comes right back and the wound gets opened up again. What’s the sense of my body healin’ itself over and over again if the hurt I got inside just festers?!!. I write these and I remember what we once had, but it still won’t change the fact that I'd still losing him.

Rest in peace, Ayden Mikhail bin Mohd Rehan.