I think most of you know me by my self portrait work, and that is what I love to do, even though it is hard. From time to time, professional photographers ask me to model for them, and I almost always say NO. People ask me all the time why I don't do it and wouldn't it be so much easier. It would, but I have my reasons. I have touched on the subject quite a few times, mentioning that I don't trust photographers, my style is very particular and I am not a mannequin that someone can just play with and use for their vision. This time I'm going to give you a real life example and a share a story from my past and how that has pushed me even more towards just self portraits instead of modelling for other people.

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This story is about one of the first times I said YES

I have done self portraits since I was a teenager, and posting them on different social medias, hoping someone might want to shoot with me. And people did, though I was often too far away and very selective and shy about the whole thing. I often said maybe and let's talk about a shoot on a later date, but never really went through with them.

Around the time I was 20-years-old, I started working as a chef and the owner of the restaurant I worked in, did some photography on the side. He was supposedly running the restaurant but actually his girlfriend did all the work while he was playing with his camera. After I had worked a while in the restaurant, he happened to saw some of my self portrait works on social media, and asked if I wanted to model for him. I was a little hesitant at first because I definitely didn't think he was the best photographer, but I though it could be fun and I needed the practise.

We set a date and talked about ideas. I knew I wanted something a little sexy and rough around the edges, but definitely no nudes, and he agreed that we could make something fun. He came to pick me up on one Saturday, and drove to us to his studio out of town. It was in an old warehouse and it was huge, and he had cameras, lenses, backdrops and lights worth thousands and thousands of euros. _{Now I knew why I worked so hard and with such shitty pay in his restaurant....}

I styled myself, or course, and we started to play around. I was obviously nervous first but it was kinda fun also. He was such a stereotypical male photographer saying "yes, that's it, awesome! Now lift up your chic, yes yes just like that omg you are a natural", and all that sleazy bullshit, but it was also his character everywhere so I wasn't surprise by it, more amused.

We tried a few different things and a did a couple outfit changes. At some point he tried to make me take my bra off to show my nipples through that black shirt I'm wearing in the second picture. He was saying something in the lines of because of the light, it wouldn't actually be visible, but I knew my tits would be well out there, I'm not dumb, so I refused because I wasn't comfortable with that. He even suggesting that was a bit of a red flag but I wasn't too alarmed by it.

Long story short, the shoot was alright and I was eagerly waiting to see what he could do with the pictures, he did after all have a lot better equipment than I did. I knew he had a bit heavy hand with Photoshop but I did tell him to go easy on it and not make me look completely different.

A few weeks went by and he finally send the pictures to me, and actually published them on his Facebook even before I had the chance to approve them.

When I saw the pictures, I was shocked!

First of all, the quality is SHIT, and the editing is horrendous, I could have, and had done a lot better with my tiny little entry level Nikon DSLR and natural light. But what was a lot more disturbing, was that in the first picture, I was originally wearing a bra, straps and all, and he photoshopped it away and made it look like I actually have boobs. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite and say I don't do nudity or photoshop when I clearly do, but it's my choice to if what and when I do it and what I show, not someone else.

I of course acted like the pictures were good and I was proud of them, but inside I knew it would take a hell of a lot for me to ever again model for another photographer. I couldn't say what I really thought to the photographer himself because he was after all my boss and I needed the job. I kinda just let it go and never shot with him again.

This is a perfect example that there is only so far your gear can take you if you don't know how to use it and don't respect the wishes of the person who good willingly models for you. This was after all done for both our practise and for fun, not to make money for brand or anything like that.

_{I am not going to name the photographer of these images, because I don't respect him as a person, or a photographer, in my opinion he doesn't need any recognition. The sad thing is, he is still doing this professionally and I have no idea why people hire him.}

Just to clarify if you didn't read the whole post: THESE PICTURES ARE NOT TAKEN BY ME, BUT I AM THE MODEL IN THEM!

Ps. If you like these pictures, please leave my blog and never come back, okaythanksbye.