The legal system needs to change

On Thursday, June 22nd, 2017, my separated wife - Melody Dawn Allen - abducted our daughter Riley and took her from her home to a different province in Canada. Riley had a special day planned at school the next day, a field trip of sorts, the kind that justified a new white dress to be purchased for her by her grandmother, and she was looking forward to it very much. It was the last week of school, before the end of the year - her first grade in elementary school, and she was excitedly looking forward to her graduation ceremonies. Riley's grandparents, my parents, left that Thursday morning for a cruise in Europe. Melody waited for them to leave to start packing, absconding Riley under the cover of night to the airport, and get on a flight to Kelowna, British Columbia.

We separated in 2014, after 5 years together, when our daughter was 4 years old. Despite our challenges, we were able to remain somewhat civil with each other, and overcome most of our differences in order to share our parenting responsibilities. I admit the last months prior to separation were extremely difficult, and the first few months after separation were no picnic either. The situation between us was toxic, with many arguments and the occasional shouting match, but no violence or physical abuse ever taking place. The emotional scarring this relationship has caused, most likely to both of us, is another story. When it became clear to me that the only way our situation could improve was apart from each other, I decided to leave our home. Our situation at the time was complex - with immigration worries hanging over my head, I was afraid that Melody's vindictive nature will haunt me and I would not see my daughter. Furthermore, my six figure salary paid for our shared life, from rent to car to groceries to daycare to activities to other debts, as Melody's work paid very little. Her work schedule was a demanding one as well, with shifts that started later in the day and ran to midnight more often than not. I struggled with very limited options for a long time, knowing that she will refuse to leave our home and find her own accommodations, and not having enough money between the two of us to support two homes. When our constant fighting escalated beyond measure, I reached a breaking point moment, and left.

During those first couple of months I was homeless. I slept in my car, on friends' couches, or the occasional rented room for a night or two. I would pick up Riley from school most days and take care of her, then put her to sleep in what was now Melody's bed, then wait for Melody to return from work around midnight, and go sleep in the parked car. Half of my salary would go to Melody, to pay for rent on a home I wasn't living in, pay for groceries which were not for me, pay for Riley's gymnastics and clothes and toys, pay for Melody's phone, and as it turned out her drug and alcohol habits. I did the best that I could to keep up the pretense for Riley's sake, to keep things looking as normal as possible for her despite me no longer living under the same roof, maintain some sense of continuation of habits. Until I found a place to live down the street in the same neighbourhood. It took a long while to start accumulating stuff again - new couch, new bed, kitchen utensils, television, toys for Riley. But considering Melody's work schedule, Riley spent many days with me since I didn't need to put her to bed in Melody's bed anymore. Some days Melody would come home from work to pick up a sleeping child at midnight into a car seat, so she can at least have her in the morning before school. Time did its thing, and enough of it passed by that point to allow our hot heads to cool down, reality to sink in and set the pace, and a new routine to emerge. About a year later a new apartment became available in the same building as Melody, and I moved back into the same building. This made it even easier to transfer a sleeping child down the elevator at night, and in some ways our situation even improved a little more.

Melody came from a broken home. She has four siblings - two share the same mother but each a different father, and the other two share a father. Melody was also abused as a child, which made her a bully at school, while her mother turned a blind eye to the physical abuse caused by her step-father. By the age of eighteen she left her home in the mountains of British Columbia to the streets of Vancouver. There, she was homeless at times, and got herself involved with some bad people in bad situations. Soon after she boarded a plane and left the west coast of Canada to Toronto in search of her biological father and siblings, yet her father offered her crack on their first encounter, and her sister ambushed her in an alleyway for a beating. I met her ten years later, when she had a stable job as a high rise window cleaner, and a relatively new skydiver with a few hundred jumps under her belt. Needless to say she survived many bumps along the way to make something out of herself, a true fighter and survivor, with a good demeanor about her - at least when we met.

After a few more months of us living in the same building, our routine was not bad, but Melody hated her employer. She loved her job, but the employer made her situation horrible (to say the least) and she constantly complained about it. When a new opportunity presented itself in my home country, I suggested it to her. After she actively started looking into it, had her first interview over skype, and we talked about the logistics of such a move, her boss found out, and she was laid off from her job in Toronto. Immigration process for me to Canada was still pending when we started the immigration process for Melody and Riley to leave Canada. This process was costly and complicated, involving a DNA test to prove that we were indeed the biological parents of our child, and the entire ordeal was paid for by me and my family. While the legal procedure for me took a whooping three years, the task of leaving Canada was completed in about six months, and they left while I stayed behind.

Riley went to first grade in a foreign country, to better hone her command of the language, to gain perspective of a different culture, to spend time with her grandparents, and experience a life in a much different environment. Melody worked in her field of choice, in order to gain experience that will help her advance her career in a way she could never have done in Toronto. It was always the plan for them to spend a short time there of a year or two at most, with me visiting as much as I could for as long as I could each time so I would not harm my immigration process to Canada. Melody lived in her own little bubble of existence, not assimilating into a different society, not learning a new language, spending her time going to and from work, and to and from the crossfit gym where she made friends who spoke English. Melody also set herself a new goal to become a professional crossfit competitor, which let her achieve fifth rank in the country for her division. Riley on the other hand did assimilate into her environment since she didn't know any better. She made friends at school, she went to gymnastics and pottery classes, and even acted as a translator between her teacher and Melody during parent conferences at school. I visited Riley every other month at the most, sometimes every two or three weeks, sometimes for as little as a ten day visit and sometimes as long as six weeks. We traveled around the country for me to show her where I grew up, and serendipitously they lived in the same neighborhood I grew up in, not far from my parents, with Riley attending the same elementary school I did almost thirty years prior.

My family adopted Melody, helping her financially and offering her mental support in a new place. They helped her with the language barrier, they helped her with bureaucratic issues, they helped her with child care since her work schedule was still a very demanding one with long shifts running into the night. Melody often told me that for the first time she felt what it's like to have a mother, and my mom told me that Melody often reminded her of me with my stubbornness and behavior. They were very fond of each other, and my parents were grateful for the opportunity to spend time with their granddaughter, considering all of their kids moved away to other countries and they spent more time travelling to see them than they did at home.

There were many reasons for the escalation of the conflict between Melody and myself. Some were the financial strain on me to keep travelling back and fourth, some were the mental strain on my elderly parents caring for a young child, some were Riley's awareness of her surrounding which I found to be negative (part of the reasons me and my two siblings left the country to begin with), and some were the neglect I felt Riley was experiencing with Melody's dedication to her job and crossfit goals. Needless to say Melody didn't see things from my perspective, which contributed to this escalation. It was Melody's view that I wanted to take Riley away from her, that I was doing things to her and not that I was thinking about Riley's best interest (i.e. Riley's best interest would be to stay in a bad situation with her mother as opposed to a different situation in Toronto with her father).

Despite our ability to work together towards a common goal in the past - Riley's best interest, the situation now became exceedingly difficult to handle. Melody stopped facilitating daily conversations between Riley and myself, conversations between Melody and me quickly became toxic again, and the contentious conflict between us grew to proportions we have never experience before. The hypothetical rhetorical threats of "what ifs" considering our (again) limited options were horrendous given my immigration status in Canada and her volatile status there. There was always a mutually-assured-destructive nature to our status which tied our hands together, and neither one us had good possibilities ahead of us. Me going there was not an option - I did leave for a reason, which meant I could go for the sake of divorce proceedings to force the resolution of our predicament. Divorce at that point would ruin my immigration process to Canada, which meant I could not return home, but as I am also a US citizen I would still be able to leave a place I didn't want to be in. Such a prospect would have put Melody in a bad situation as she could not live in the US, meaning it would effectively place us in an international conundrum - I could not be in Canada, she could not be in the US, and Riley would be torn between the two. As long as we had that axe hanging over our heads, Melody felt she can control the situation at least by stalling for more time, which is all she wanted.

The pendulum swung to shift the balance of power when my status in Canada was finalized in May of 2017. She argued for more time, at first for another year, then backtracking to their birthdays in May, to March for a return during spring break, to December for a return over the winter break and holidays, and finally to November when her contract would expire. I insisted that by August I would like Riley to return home, in time for the new school year to begin, as I saw no reason to upheave her in the middle of a school year. This would have allowed Melody to focus even more on work experience for the remaining months between the end of August and November, given her the ability to save more money for her return to Toronto, and Riley would have a smooth transition back home. It felt to me like a good enough balance between the time Riley spent with Melody there over the preceding 14 months abroad and the short few months I would have had with her pending Melody's return.

Melody's plan was different. She consulted with lawyers abroad and with lawyers in Canada and with her family members, and decided on a plan of action that involved lying to her employer there, lying to my parents, lying to Riley, and abduction of our daughter. For a number of days I had no contact with my daughter, since my parents left for their cruise and Melody had not responded to any of my text messages or calls. I found out days later, via facebook, that Melody was in British Columbia, and that her first action upon getting there was to file for divorce, claiming I had not paid child support or spousal support for two years. When I learned of what she had done I took action immediately with the two options I had available - called the police to report the abduction, and sought a lawyer to help me bring the matter to family court.

The police did nothing. I have since learned of the systematic bias that exists against fathers in family matters, which presents itself in many ways from apathy to people in my situation to the statistical data in prosecutions and laying of charges. The numbers speak for themselves, with over 70 percent of parental abductions committed by mothers having less than 20 percent being charged, and the less than 30 percent of parental abductions committed by fathers showing over 80 percent conviction rates. It is easy to see the bias police have against fathers, with the common prejudice against fathers as violent abusers, and the notion that "kids belong with their mothers". I was repeatedly asked by the police why do I want to press charges and pursue the matter, they did nothing but take my statement and then tell me that they will do nothing further. This is a matter for family court, they said.

Finding a lawyer is not as simple as it sounds. It took a few days of searching and talking to multiple lawyers until I found one that was willing to help me out. She understood the urgency of the matter and charged a premium price for it. Three weeks passed from the day they boarded a plane before I faced a judge who told me that unless I pay for their flights, provided for their accommodations upon arrival, child support, and hand over a large sum of money upon arrival she will not order their return within two weeks. In legal terms that was called "an undertaking", in plain English I considered it a ransom demand, and the courts' bias way of legitimizing the abduction. However, I had no option but to succumb to the extortion and agree to the terms if I was to see my daughter again. Melody, on the other hand, asked for more time, which she was given by the judge, and instead of returning to Toronto she took Riley on a road trip to Alberta instead. She further requested that I do not come to the airport to see my daughter, with a plan to take her away upon landing directly to the Niagara region to make it more difficult for me to see Riley.

I did go to the airport to see my daughter, and Melody out of shame (or unfounded fear) remained behind the doors separating the arrival hall from the baggage claim area and sent Riley - aged 7 - on her own to the arrival hall to find me. Riley and I hugged like we have not seen each other in months since our last hug was on her birthday in May some three months prior. These three months were the longest period we have not seen each other during their entire 14 months abroad. Melody notified me via text messages from the other side of the door that I can leave with Riley, yet lied to the courts later that I absconded with her without permission. As Melody had no place to live upon arrival, and she decided not to take the court's request for me to provide them with a place to stay for the first two weeks until she does find a living arrangement, she ended up staying with friends on couches and moving around every day or two. I offered her many chances to see Riley but refused adamantly to let her take over night to sleep on a random couch when she had her own room at my place. While I attempted to create a stable environment for Riley, the court punished me for this later.

Despite much evidence and legal precedent to the contrary, the judge declared a "status quo" for Riley to be with her mother, which gave Melody leverage over the situation. She used this as an instrument for oppression and tried to prevent access to Riley. There is no legal ability to prevent access as there was no concern for harm and no history of violence of any sort, so the absolute minimum access possible was offered, as every other weekend. Were I to refuse that and ask for more, the judge would have given me nothing, so again I was extorted to consent. The only upside to this was that at least now Riley was home, and I got to see her every other weekend, without the need to spend hours on planes and thousands of dollars on travel. The other somewhat positive outcome was the assignment of a court-appointed clinician to evaluate the situation and offer the court some more insight beyond the "he said/she said" information presented to the court by us. About two months later in October, Melody agreed to add some access days to our situation, which worked extremely well to my favor as those extra days coincided with days off school and holidays, effectively giving me half the month with Riley for an even 15/15 day split in November, and 17/14 day split for December.

The clinician - a woman like the judge - conducted several interviews with myself, Melody, Riley, my current partner and her teenage son, Riley's school and some friends. At the end of her investigation, she produced a report detailing our history which was on par with everything both Melody and I presented to the courts. There was nothing but seemingly positive things in her report, from our ability to cooperate in the past, to us coming together in case of emergency and putting Riley's best interest above our pettiness, that our issues were nothing more than situational and the situation is now improved leading her to believe we are both capable parents who provide quality care for our daughter, with similar routines for Riley at both homes with Riley having nothing but positive memories and confidence seeking out support in times of distress. Nonetheless, she recommended that Melody has sole custody, and I have no ability to make decisions for my daughter.

Riley has been mostly shielded from this, as we attempt our best to keep her out of our adult problems. She is a smart cookie though, and she knows there are plenty of problems between us. The only thing she was concerned with was our time together, and when she learned that she is spending half the time with me and the other half with Melody she was extremely happy, just in time for her interviews with the clinician. While Riley loved this time with me, Melody had asked that arrangement to change, and is trying to force a schedule that would deny me this time with Riley. Melody also twisted Riley's comments, where Riley said she is happy with the current situation - as in there's no need to add actual time or finalize our time together as 50/50, and instead take away the extra-by-chance-days and reduce it back to every other weekend only.

Some things cannot be taken back once the court ordered them. The judge made it clear to her that she will not be able to win this battle, the most she would be able to hope for is to set the access schedule, but the 50/50 split will happen. Today we have a 43/67 split (as in 6 days out of 14 with me) which means Melody is arguing over a single day, and only until we make it to trial. The current schedule we have stays the same until our trial, and Melody is forcing us down that path out of spite.

Where my goal has always been to provide my daughter with the best I can offer her, Melody's greedy and vindictive nature blinded her ability to put Riley above her own selfish needs. My goal has always been to give Riley a sense of stability, confidence, and eye-opening experiences in life, to which end I supported the move to a different country alongside worldly travels over her short life. Riley was born in Canada, lived in the United States, visited Hong Kong, lived in Israel, spent time in Europe and a birthday in Paris visiting Disney to celebrate with her favorite princesses. She has been exposed to people from all backgrounds, she reads and speaks two languages fluently, and is a very outgoing friendly kid that never met a stranger. Melody has put a stop to many of our future plans by forcing us to remain in Toronto for the next decade (until Riley is eighteen and can decide for herself), going as far as declaring in court that Riley will not go back to Israel without a court order. She is forcing us into a costly legal battle that is draining all funds otherwise spent on Riley. Instead of making our lives revolve around Riley, she turned our lives upside down by demanding vast amounts of money, asking for spousal support and child support retroactively going back to a period before they even left Canada, claiming she received no help despite everything she has gotten from me and my family over the years. My parents are devastated, the stress of the situation has caused me a mental breakdown, my physical health has deteriorated considerably and I have lost over 30 lbs during the last six months alone, prompting visits to the emergency room.

I don't know what the future holds in this matter. I hope it will end well.

I hope the legal system will evolve into a better one. This notion by default that a child belongs with her mother needs to change. This idea that a mother can ask for support and the courts automatically order it "without prejudice" needs to change. These stupid restricting costly rules that prevent basic common sense and human decency need to change. This lengthy needless process that is drawn out for years needs to change. This archaic system which started hundreds of years ago needs to evolve to the modern age, removing the requirements for obscene amounts of wasted resources, expediting the process, and using subject-matter experts instead of useless judges.