The Science of Lasting, Healthy Intimate Relationships

In the United States, over 50% of couples divorce. What distinguishes the couples who divorce from those who don't in the long run?

Psychologist and author John M. Gottman did studies in his lab in the 1970's wherein he would bring couples to his lab and asked them to sit down and have a normal conversation about mundane things, and then another conversation about something that was bothering them. From this data alone, he was able to predict with 90% accuracy which couples were going to stay together over the long term and which couples wouldn't. This study was then repeated 7 times, and he still managed over 90% accuracy every time. These studies culminated in his book titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Before we get to the 7 principles, there were 4 ideas that were declared to be the most likely causes of divorce.

Idea 1:

Dealing with criticism. Don't blame your partner for their faults. We all come with faults and so, say for example your partner has a habit of throwing their clothes on the floor every day, rather than telling them you treat this house like a frat house, it would be much wiser to shift criticism to yourself and say, you know it really bothers me how you throw your clothes like that, would you mind throwing them in the hamper? The point here is not to not criticize or complain, but to make it about you, not them.

Idea 2:

Defensiveness. Rather than getting defensive whenever you get criticized for your flaws, and counter-attacking by reminding your partner of a flaw of theirs, it's much better to accept a small amount of responsibility for your actions. So for example, when your partner tells you about the clothes on the floor, it's best to not get defensive and instead say, you know what you're right, those clothes have been there for a week.

Idea 3:

Contempt. Contempt is the feeling that someone is beneath you or worthless, and that you are better than your partner. This one is by far the most important one of all of them. In fact, studies have even found that being contemptuous to your partner is highly correlated with the partner developing immune diseases within 4 years. So what do you do about this? If you find yourself slipping into contempt, you need to change the way you scan your environment such that you start to see all the positives of your partner. You can ask yourself what is it that i truly love and appreciate about my partner?

Idea 4:

Stonewalling. The lab in which these principles were formed discovered that when the couples were having an argument, the heart rates of one of the partners escalates significantly, and their eyes would be cast to the floor. This person would then no longer be paying attention to their partner. What they found was that when people are starting to feel flooded with emotion by the conversation, they would start to psychologically self-soothe. This was found to be the case for men 80% of the time.

What's recommended at this point is rather than stopping paying attention to your partner, which only leads to them getting even angrier at you, is to agree to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later. When taking a break, you can't sit there and ruminate about what to say when you come back, you simply completely ignore the conversation for at least 30 minutes and do something that you enjoy. Be it cleaning, petting the dog, showering or what have you. You also have to be out of your partner's sight throughout this time. Furthermore, you have to actually get back to the conversation eventually once you've cooled down, and always speak to your partner with respect and honor. Also there's a big misconception that it's bad to go to bed angry, when it's not at all.

These 4 ideas are the biggest causes of divorce in the long run. Now if you're reading this and worrying about your own relationship because you recognize these things in your relationship, don't worry. As long as you actively attend to them rather than leaving them unattended, you should be fine.

So, having said all the things that proved to be difficulties that couples were having, what were the things that improved their relationships?

Principle 1:

Love based on friendship. In order to befriend someone, you have to learn what their inner world is like. When you start to fall in love with someone, you're trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them. So you ask them questions, like what's your favorite animal? Or what do you wanna do for the rest of your life? Once you get to know them, and say you decide to get married, and all is well, but then 25 years go by and this person has changed and you're no longer asking these questions, you have no idea who this person is anymore. A love map is a detailed familiarity in your mind of your partner's world. As in their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, etc. The goal is to make this map as detailed and up to date as possible. The best way to do this is to ask open-ended questions; ones they can't answer in a minute. Things like, what's 1 hope you have for the next 5 years? Or, I know you wanted children and we haven't had an yet, how does that make you feel?

Principle 2:

Nurturing your fondness and admiration for your partner. This principle involves thinking about each other in positive ways, rather than negative and critical ways. You have to constantly scan your environment for what your partner is doing correctly, rather than what they're doing wrong. This same idea also applies to children or people you're managing: if you scan for the things they're doing right, you're able to reward them when they do something right, and so they're better able to perform. When it comes to children if you constantly reward them for doing things right, rather than scorning them for doing things wrong, when they achieve something, they'll want to come to you to tell you all about it, rather than not having that instinct because all you ever did was scorn them.

Principle 3:

"Turning toward." Throughout the day, our partners are turning towards us and asking us for things. If we ignore them, and the number 1 reason for doing so right now is digital distraction, they're going to feel let down. Doing small things often and consistently can change the trajectory of where your relationship is headed. If you were to text your partner a text everyday, thanking them for something, they would value it more than taking them on a vacation or buying them a car or anything material. So, turning toward is as simple as recognizing them when they ask anything. The reason a compliment a day is unbelievably valuable, is because doing that is the same as making a deposit in an emotional bank account, and when a really stressful time comes ahead, the more money you have in there, the better you are at wading it off.
The difference between replying to your partner's wants/needs/desires only 33% of the time vs 86% of the time was one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

Principle 4:

Letting your partner influence you. The studies have found that not even negotiating with your partner and telling them what to do, rather than reasoning with them why such and such is important to them, by simply not entertaining their ideas, this led to an 81% divorce rate.

Before we go on, what percentage of problems in a marriage do you think will be solvable? What percentage will be perpetual problems that will continue forever?

The correct answer is 31% of problems are solvable. The other 69% will go on forever, so keep that in mind. The main reason for this is temperament differences; that is to say we're all wired a certain way. Some of us are introverts, others are extroverts, so the amount of social interaction you'll want to engage in on the weekend will be a continuous struggle. Problems arise when couples think all problems are solvable. To recap on complaints, it's not a bad thing to complain, criticizing is bad though. The difference is who you put the blame on, and how gentle you are with your tone. Always use "I" statements, and don't ever use the words always and never. Dr. John Gottman found that by watching the first 3 minutes of a conflict conversation, he could predict with 96% accuracy how it was going to end. This was because if it started out gentle, it would end that way too, and vice versa. Also, there was a significant statistical difference in who started these conflict conversations more, and the answer is it's the women.

Principle 5:

The ability to compromise. In our overly romanticized ideas about love, compromise is almost frowned upon, but it really shouldn't be. You should try to have a group of values that's as small as you can possibly make it, such that if you compromised on those values, you'd feel like your bones were breaking. Everything else is negotiable; gently of course.

Principle 6:

Overcoming Gridlock. To get anywhere in your conflicts, you have to suspend the desire to solve that problem, and see the problem from your partner's perspective. This is called empathy. What happens when you listen to their perspective, is that you suddenly have a lot more respect for their ideas. This leads to actually getting somewhere in the 31% of problems that are solvable.

Principle 7:

Create shared meaning. At some point in the routine of life, you may get bored and feel that things are stagnating. One way to overcome this is to create rituals, or things that you both do together regularly, and can be as simply as bringing coffee to your partner to the bedroom, and them preparing breakfast for you. A simple goal to aim for is to make it not just about you, but about both of you.

Hope this helps some of you lead happier lives, and have healthier relationships!
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Sources:

Couples Therapist Laura Heck
Psychologist and Mathematician John M. Gottman