When we can't have children the "normal" way
The time is about 12pm, the location is one church like that. The day is Sunday, and the occasion is a child dedication ceremony.
Praise God!, Mrs Jane Doe screams into the microphone, her husband standing beside her, both faces beaming with joy and pride. Praise the name of the Lord, and the church goes ballistic. Hallelujah!, the congregation choruses. My brothers and sisters, she begins, with the all too familiar response, "hmm", following quickly from the church. We have been married for twenty two years without any child, but after the man of God prayed for us and bla bla bla, we are the latest parents in town, she says, joyfully cradling a baby. The choir unleashes a song, the instrumentalists join in with their magic, Mr and Mrs Doe start to sway to the beat and, very soon, everyone is dancing at the wonderful work of God, and how miracles are real.
Somewhere in the instrumentalist stand sits a realist, with his head in his hands, staring in disbelief and wondering, "how did we get it all wrong"?
That instrumentalist is me, by the way! I'm as cynical and realistic as you can ever get!
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Image gotten from NewsWeek
So, we are in the 21st century. I mean, gone are the days of the dial phone. The days of the Post Office are way behind us. Gasoline powered cars are making way for electric and self driven ones. Open brain surgeries are now being carried out. Yet, we have not successfully accepted the notion that we can have kids outside of sex.
I really love those that have faith, mehn! I kinda think, wow, y'all got it all figured out. Like, the notion that it will all go away through prayers or fasting or religion. However, we never seem to really know when religion should be backed up by efforts. After all, one of the Holy Books, The Bible, says "for faith without works is dead" (I can't remember which passage it is).
Commandment 1 of an African Marriage: The female shalt, within 9 months of getting married, have a protruding tummy. The longest allocated time, during which family shall not start to wag their tongues, is 36 months (3 years), and that is if the families are understanding. In the event that, after the years of grace, the lady can't have a child, then family is allowed to wade in, call her all sorts of names, accuse her of witchcraft, and threaten to replace her with a fertile woman (as if fertility is written on the face).
Children seem to be the next achievement in an African setting, after getting married. Being childless, especially after a year of marriage, is not something to talk lightly about, especially here in Africa. It's one of the taboos here. Much more saddening is that the women seem to often take the fall. The man is almost never in the wrong; no one wants to consider that. No one wants to think of family planning. No one cares if it's your choice.
REASONS FOR CHILDLESSNESS
There exist a myriad of reasons why children could be absent from any home. First off, we should understand that there are two types of childlessness; Voluntary Childlessness (this is by choice), or Circumstance Childlessness (this one is the more prevalent type, and the one under the spotlight). The reasons include for any type of childlessness include, but are not limited to:
- Cost effectiveness of not having kids. Raising kids is quite expensive.
- Freedom for couples to do whatever they like and achieve their goals. They can do what they want, and whenever they want.
- Infertility which, as regards the nature of this topic, is the biggest single factor. Any of the partners could be infertile.
- Unwillingness to have kids on the part of one or both partners.
- Environmental factors e.g. an increasing world population.
- Lesser issues, especially if the marriage ends up in a divorce (no legal fights for who gains custody of the kids).
Much more comprehensive information can be gotten from here.
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Image gotten from Grief Healing Blog
WHY WAIT FOR THE NATURAL PROCESS?
The African belief has always been that one must "carry belle" for fulfillment. That's why the instrumentalist in the opening paragraph had his head in his hands (if only these people knew that they could be parents to a kid during the 22+ year wait). The common notion is that you can't love a kid as much as your product of "love". I laugh! Well, instead of waiting for 20+ years, why not try out one of the following:
1. Adoption
This remains my all-time favorite. I mean, you're not waiting for a long period of conception, followed by an anxious praying marathon that there are no complications during pregnancy or childbirth. One just assumes, after a legal process, parental rights over a kid. More information can be gotten from here.
A list of adoption agencies in Nigeria can be accessed by clicking here and here.
2. Use of Assisted Reproductive Technology
The use of these kinds of technology, although expensive, do ensure that the wait for a child is greatly reduced or totally eliminated. The methods include artificial insemination, intracytoplasmic sperm injection, in vitro fertilization (IVF), gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) and surrogacy (in which a woman legally agrees to carry a pregnancy for a couple) among others.
More can be gotten from here.
Finally, while this write up does not cover everything, it does highlight that one doesn't need to wait for decades to have a child. Sex isn't the only way to being a dad or mum! IT IS NOT! Sometimes, it takes us to open our minds and accept that nature's order will fail us.
One can only hope that the light of enlightenment shine on us, so that we don't become parents in our fifties; a period of relaxation now used for the rigours of raising a child!
REFERENCES
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/choosing-to-be-childless-is-Childlessness
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childlessness
http://www.thelaboroflove.com/blog/advantages-disadvantages-childless-family.html
http://www.divorcesource.com/blog/childless-and-childfree-marriages-and-divorce/
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/choosing-to-be-childless-is-it-selfish/
https://www.babycenter.com/0_fertility-treatment-assisted-reproductive-technologies-art_4093.bc
One quick question. In a case where the couple do not meet the rigorous requirements for adopting a child and also don't have enough money to afford using the assisted reproductive technology, what do they do?
Now, that is where "waiting" is not bad. However, assisted reproductive methods are quite cheap. I've seen in this Uyo, an advert for an IVF clinic that charges about 130k. Is that not cheap?
But, my advice? Exhaust ALL options. For most Africans, it's simply a case of "God forbid. I was born naturally, my children won't be a deviant".
Good content dear @ekjosh , and very educative I must say, I've learned real time in a big deal especially the medical methods, wonderful methods you spelled out, just as miracles are wonderful. Steemon!
Well, I wouldn't say I do or do not agree with you...
But there's just this feeling that comes with personally having your own thing.
It's like being fulfilled
I love this post, got me laughing, had me holding a straight face and gave me insight.
@ekjosh, this setting had been part and parcel of the African people. Sincerely, not as if we don't or not aware of any other means of having children, the Africans are ignorant of them.
Honestly, this has been a food for thought for me on several occasions. As per
Till now, I can't find an answer to that. So I think everything, sorry most things in Africa is if you can't beat them, join them
Nawa to you.
Quite impressive.
But remember life is a choice!