"36 and Lost a Cosmic Joke of the God's"

I am sitting here a few hours away from turning 36 years of age, jamming to some old Limp Bizkit thinking what the Hell have I been doing. I have been told for so many years that I am a leader and posses all these gifts that don’t come easy to others. Well, what the fuck happened??? Where is my mansion in California and why the Hell aren’t I on billboards across America? Conclusion talent without direction is Bullshit.

I’m sick of people telling me that I am successful and that I should be grateful for the things that I have. Everyone has desires and I want mine fulfilled, I want the mansion, I want the yacht, I want the ability to do what I want when I want and how I damn well please. All these damn Capricorn billionaires on this planet influencing everything around me! What the hell happened to me?

Is it too late? Have I played it safe for too long? Or maybe I’m some type of insane person imagining all this shit, maybe its all made up. Either way, they say when a person is crazy they never really know they are crazy so my crazy ass is looking for some answers. I am a southern guy that was raised up in the Christian church so of course you know I have been on my knees many of nights begging for success…….

What the fuck is success anyway? To me success is defined as the ability to do whatever and whenever I want, a life with no limitations. The question is how do I get there, do I live out the rest of my existence doing the things that just get me by knowing that I am dying a little bit more inside every day? Shit, I understand why my dad was an alcoholic now and died at an early age, maybe he just couldn’t take this shit.

I’m too strong to drown myself in opiates and alcohol, I am far to much of an asshole to let this world defeat me. I need some damn answers! Maybe I should climb the top of a mountain and meditate who the Hell really knows. I just know if I don’t do something quick I am fucked, I almost feel like Neo from the Matrix something just isn’t right and I seriously hope my life isn’t some cosmic joke for the entertainment of the God’s…..

Maybe there is a Limitless pill, maybe this is all a nightmare, maybe I’m not even real and my mistake was thinking that I was a real boy like Pinocchio! Where is the Guru that can show me the way, where is my awakening moment, is this life just an illusion???????

Maybe I am insane but there has to be more to this life and I need it NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!