Punched in the Gut, Kicked in the Back, but I'm Still Standing (Many words followed by a Celtic singer)
(This post..the song in the end especially also goes out to @kiwideb, @sift666, @surpassinggoogle and @blunderbabe and anyone else who has recently suffered a similar loss)
A good friend of mine, someone I've known since we were just stepping into adolescence, has been sending me well wishes...and also songs. She loved my dad, my parents were like second parents to her growing up, and though of course she isn't taking this quite so hard as myself and my brother, still it is affecting her profoundly.
He had this way about him, as I've mentioned before. His larger than life personality, even after he was confined to a chair a few years back.
The last year he was on his feet, he officiated my brother's wedding.
He could make people laugh, easily. And often his humor was of the outrageous variety.
I couldn't bring myself to mention this in the last post, but a week before he went into the hospital for the last time, before the very quick decline, he was in his hospital bed at home having had a bit of a rough couple of days, but still his spirits were just as positive as they usually were. He called my name as I was leaving the room, so I turned and peeked back in to see him lying still with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed. He peeked one eye open and said "Just practicing," with this shit eating grin. I told him that wasn't funny at all, but that only made him grin all the wider... before growing a tad more serious. "Baby," he said, "leaving your mom and you, your brother, and my grandchildren, that's the thing that's hard for me. Knowing you'll be sad- he must have seen the understatement on my face because he amended it to- heartbroken even. But I'm not afraid to die. It's a part of this life, it is the one thing we know for sure. That one day we are going home, that this is the place that we are simply visiting."
He's right, I feel it way down in the core of me, that these bodies are no more than costumes we've donned for this physical experience we call life on earth. I don't know what comes next, only that there is a next. That he's headed off to that next great adventure, or perhaps resumed something that he left behind when he came here.
For all of you who believe in Heaven as described by the church, I say in a way you're very lucky. To believe that makes things so much easier. He believed that, my mom too. I know they were both picturing my sister (for those who don't know, we lost her to a car accident seventeen years ago, just shy of her eighteenth birthday) waiting for him, taking his hand as he left. And maybe there's some truth to that, while we're still so tethered to this place, perhaps our loved ones do appear to help us cross and acclimate. It's a nice thought.
It brings me back to a simpler time when I did a lot less thinking for myself.
Sorry I haven't been on much, obviously I know you understand considering, though it's more than that. The universe is really pouring the shit on thick right now, (my back went out like an old fucking lady lol) and I' hoping it's one of those deals where you have to suffer mightily before you get to enjoy the beauty of this place once again. Because there is beauty here. There is wonder, and at times it can be a truly magical place.
This coming year, probably summer since I want to make sure my mom is well before we go, we are going on a journey out west. I feel the tiniest prickle of excitement to see the desert for the first time, and the redwoods, my god do I want to stand in a forest that can make you believe that giants once walked the earth. All of which, you will hear about undoubtedly.
Anyway, these are the thoughts on my mind right now, I hope you don't mind a little rambling.
If you've ever lost someone very close to you, than the song below is bound to make you cry. (Yes, the friend I mentioned sent it, was a bit like a gut punch, but it is beautiful.)
Donna Taggert (Celtic singer from Northern Ireland) Jealous of the Angels
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Stay strong.
Hey man! Thanks, I love the hug, except the giggle hurt my back hahahaha!
I was going to go with "good work" but someone had already beat me to it. :P
Ha! My favorite recently was a slew of comments underneath a couple of my chapters, they said either "This is a great game" or "Beautiful love story"....considering the content of those chapters were rated X, i think it's safe to assume the comments were based on my chessboard style cover and the Avett Brothers quote that comprises the first line LOL
I am bawling right now. Not afraid to admit it. Your dad seems even more awesome with every post. Sorry to hear about your back, sis, but could it possibly be that it was a practical joke by your dad to get your mind off his passing? I don't know, but it feels like something he would do. In a way, it could be his way of reminding you to take better care of yourself, keep your chin up and... maintain a good posture. Massage the back of your knees, sis, and keep a warm compress close to the pain area. I wish I was there to acupuncture you, because back pain is my main expertise!
Man, Ethan was so small back then! I'm happy that your dad was able to watch his grandkids grow before he left our mortal world.
And now I'm crying again too, shit. That picture was only five short years ago, Ethan nine, Zoe twelve....dad standing up though with an effort already.
Yes, both of my kids have commented on how they got to have a solid relationship with him, both of them cried their eyes out and Zoe is No crier, almost ever...and both of them got up and gave speeches at his funeral. Again, Zoe...public speaking? I might have mentioned that already, but it still blows me away she mustered the courage for that one. For her pop pop.
It's my brother I feel for. Nora won't remember him, and he'll never meet their next child. I know that has been a part of his grieving process, though I must remind him that we came within a hair's breadth of losing him last summer and he begged him not to go before the birth of his newest grandchild. And my dad heard him, and he fought, and he got one year with her.
Yes, acupuncture! That's definitely something I will try if this persists.
Ha, no he never gave a poop about posture, though taking better care of my body...yeah, I could imagine that. But if he's trying to take my mind off of losing him, he's doing a piss poor job, other than the bouts of serious pain where I can't think, I am otherwise confined to either the recliner or the bed right now with only time to think. sheesh.
I'm half in tears, half smiling right now. I guess that's his way of playing a joke. I'm glad to hear that even in his passing he still had a way of bringing out the best in people!
He could make people laugh, easily. And often his humor was of the outrageous variety
This is quite inspiring, interesting and touching, thanks for sharing with us...... @dreemit
You're very welcome, thanks for the thoughtful comment, much appreciated @johnmarkcic:)
Ooft, I felt a sucker punch in my gut reading it chick. That song lyric is totally spot on right now. Everybody understands if you arent about much just now. After all this is just the fecking internet, feck it.
Although I don't excuse you the back. Get a grip of yourself ;O)
Dude how insensitive! LOLOL kidding, absolutely don't excuse me the back, fucking A, more walking and biking for me, I have plans, hiking the redwoods, climbing a mountain, shit I'm just getting started on my outdoor travelling adventures. I've been telling this body "You ain't the boss of me, it's the other way around!"
That's the stuff. We can't have a fine filly like yourself all howked over and walking with little or lady steps. You will conquer that mountain because you are the mountain. Or something something rousing like that, that inspires!!
Hells yeah! You are ever inspiring me boom!!
And i forgot to mention the next great adventure--which will be traversing the countryside of Scotland, can't be all hobbled up and walking through the moors now can I? Don't think so.
Thinking of you dude. Not much more I can say. Sometimes life is hard.
But it won't stay hard forever. Kia kaha.
Ah. Hey Trevor, that's all you needed to say, appreciate it.
And I know. I'm not a stranger to loss, it always sucks, and life always moves on.
tēnā rawa atu koe
Wow; a very raw and real post. I'm very sorry for your loss. I am one of those people who has faith, and I do often think about just how incredibly painful it must be to lose those you love without a real hope of seeing them again. At those points, it doesn't feel like a theological debate at all; it is readily apparent that those who truly believe have an advantage of hope and meaning to get them through the darkest times, and this causes me great sadness for what it must be for so many. I have lost those dear to me as well - 2 sisters. A sincere thank you for sharing. Wishing for comfort and peace for your family.
Yeah...I did actually just start writing for the sake of putting down my thoughts when I decided it could be a post. I'm realizing this might be something to do more often.
I think I remember, you are Catholic right? Girl with great voice, you disappeared on us for quite some time didn't you, I remember looking now and again for new stuff and not finding it. Oh yeah, girl with the missing keys too, lol, I hope you got that fixed.
Actually, I do recall now that you might have written me another comment more recently, but I haven't been a very good steemer lately.
Two sisters, wow, that is a staggering loss. I honestly don't know how I would stand back up again if something happened to my brother, who is my remaining sibling and one of, if not the sweetest, kindest, best people I know. Not to mention talented and intelligent :)
I definitely believe we go somewhere, we are immortal living spirits having a physical/earthly experience. I just don't, sorry but the church's description of Heaven seems a little silly to me these days. Perhaps it is another plane of existence, what is described there, and perhaps we do go somewhere like that...for a time. I just can't buy that's all there is. Especially the streets paved with gold thing, jeweled buildings..um, yuck? lol. give me waterfalls and mountains and no bugs, oh and I can fly. That's my version of the Christian Heaven. But infinity? Eternity? In one place such as that...nah. I was told that from the time I could think and once upon a time I believed every bit of church doctrine. These days, I do see value and truth in the Bible...just not man's interpretation of it :)
hahah I loved this. "girl with the missing keys...jeweled buildings..um, yuck?"
Need to get to bed but will respond more tomorrow :)
More proper response now:
Yes - you do remember me correctly. I came back with my tail between my legs a bit. I had kept trying to get back on the platform, but there was just a lot of life going on--broken laptop, travels, moving, health things.. and then I ended up recording and releasing my album!. BUT I am insistent on saying that I came back before any of the crazy happened in crypto land--just a few days before, in fact. I cashed a fair chunk of SBD at $2.60 because I needed a little money, juuuust before it skyrocketed :). lol
We should write more "from the guts"--it's true. Doesn't mean you can't edit after and decide what parts you may want to leave out, but it's important to just get it out, I think, without too much worry about perfection at that stage. Seems to be where the magic happens.
I feel the same way about my sister and brother who are still here! It would be like losing all of me, I think. But somehow, no matter what hits us, the human person is capable of withstanding incredible losses; you know from experience.
I actually try to avoid the theological debates proper on here, not because it isn't a worthy discussion, or I feel I don't have a good response, or because I don't really believe but just because.. it's the wrong place to talk about something so deep and nuanced! But.. I can definitely say that if heaven is just a bunch of gaudy buildings, then of course it's silly :). I've always understood that as standing more for a description of beauty beyond comprehension and even more importantly, the perfect fulfillment of every desire, and the language is just a symbolic representation. And I am ABSOLUTELY WITH YOU about the NO BUGS. Like I can't even tell you haha. They ruin the most perfect days! lol
Anyway, all I really meant to offer was just that I really understand the extra suffering of those who are not believers--at the point of pain, the debate doesn't feel like it matters a whole lot, as the belief itself (whether or not it's true!) just brings a lot of peace. It hurts me to know the extra pain it leaves with people, and in those moments I feel very grateful for my faith. In some ways, I also just really admire those with no belief or a less clear belief because it would take a lot of strength to process grief without that consolation. I'm grateful you shared as you did, frankly and candidly. Very human, and beautiful. It's good for us to share like that, and to read it. Edifying: thank you!
Now I am back full force on the platform! And not just because of the exchange :) (although it certainly helps.. I am always struggling to make the pieces fit as an artist, so this little stretch of abundance has been like a river in a desert.. I don't feel entitled, but just very grateful for what's been given.)
Thanks for your thoughtful response, friend. xx, Kay
There is a saying in my native language that says that this life is like a market, we all return home after shopping. No-one sleeps inside the market. The same is applicable to our sojourn on earth. We will all leave this world (market) one day and go to heaven (home). It's important we understand this. #OWB
That's a great analogy/saying. I would love it if you would put it in your native language actually :)
Thank you for taking your time to leave me these words @williams-owb.
In my native language, Yoruba language in Nigeria. It goes thus
Is English your native language?
Thanks for sharing with us too
That's absolutely beautiful. English is so course in comparison to so many other languages (with a couple European exceptions ;)
Alas I am an undereducated American. And I don't mean a 'highschool dropout', in fact I even went to college, but nowhere, except perhaps fancy private schools for the elite, do they put any emphasis on learning a second language. What they have us take in high school is two years of french or spanish where we basically learn nouns like Gato and Perro and how to count. Really, really lame. And honestly? Arrogant. Like our leaders expect the whole world to learn this language therefore we don't really need to learn others.
Super unfortunate. And I'm always impressed by people who can speak more than one.
Bilingualism (ability to speak and understand two languages) or multilingualism (ability to speak and understand more than two languages) is really a blessing. For instance, it would be difficult for us to communicate effectively if the only language I understand is my native language (Yoruba language). I'd not be able to gain some ideas and knowledge from you and vice versa.
Or perhaps, in a situation where some group of people are planning something bad about another person in another language, the action will be executed successfully if the person doesn't understand that second language.
Language really shapes our life.
#OWB
nira ṣugbọn ṣee ṣe :)
Thanks to google translate-- I have a friend on here, @jlufer, he knows very little English as I know very little Spanish, and yet we manage to communicate quite well with that handy little language translating google tool.
(P.S. I appreciate your thoroughness, though I certainly know what bilingual and multilingual is, despite that I am not either of those things. I excel at the one language I do know, my English vocabulary is vast lol--I am a writer/novelist after all.)
Hahaha
That is brilliant of you. I hope you used the audio feature to listen to how it sounded? :)
Google translate is quite effective to interpret languages. I use it once in a while too.
Your dad sounds like a wise man, and a cool dude too. He just made me laugh with that 'practicing' gag, thanks for sharing that.
It's sweet that your old friend is sending well-wishes and songs, I love how people are!
Oh God, that's nothing, that's like the tiniest tip of the iceberg when it comes to him and his humor. Remind me to tell you about the eulogy he gave at my his sister's husband/his best friend's funeral. I actually did write it to you in a comment once, then realized that it was actually too politically incorrect to be in a comment section haha...I'm guessing you never saw it, or you forgot to say if you did.
The eulogy sounds familiar, but I don't recall the details, if it was politically incorrect you know I was just probably horribly offended by it. ;)
Hah! Now that gave me a good laugh. I certainly wasn't worried about what you'd think, but then I decided there was some chance that someone would happen upon it and get bent out of shape.
What a beautiful, touching song. I can imagine you felt sucker punched, as it's all still so raw. Know that none of expect anything from you right now, but are happy to see you when you're here. x
Isn't it? I know, everyone is being great. xo
I really hope that the good memories and teachings will give you the hope and strenght to go on and honor his memory, it is hard but life is about that, remembering and keeping our beloved alive through time. Thanks for sharing this.