Anger Management
I slept late and woke up at this ungodly hour. What a struggle to quiet my mind and remain positive these days. I figure the PMDD monster is already here. I guess this is what pushing-40 is like but good thing I have a diabolic kitty to keep me sane. I know I shouldn't project this darkness but I think I am just being aware. Without self-awareness, I won't have control and humanity's doomed. My wound is so deep you have no idea. I don't even know anymore how to manage my own anger especially if people repeatedly upset and provoke me for attention. Sunshine spewers should probably get lost during these dark times.
I was supposed to be blogging about my day the other day last night but a random character triggered my anxiety. So I spent the whole night overthinking pointlessly. See, I just moved into this new place and didn't know about these trucker guys hanging around the neighborhood. I have nothing against them really. What I am against is when I get some unwanted attention right here in my own space. It turns out, the trucks are just one of the landlord's businesses. So there will be some men regularly hanging out and getting drunk nearby. It looks like I overlooked this one very important aspect of a good place. So, my movement is limited when they are around, unfortunately. Because I just cannot change them overnight right? It sucks not to be free.
Last night as I was taking the trash out, someone was trying to get my attention. This happened the second time already. The first time, I was just watering my plants and another man was throwing some unwanted comments. This is all happening probably because I am new here in the neighborhood, living alone and all. Gawd, I now hate living alone, not because I can't but because of my circumstances. I just can't trust people, can I?
I do prefer a society where everyone minds their own business. And I am in the wrong society here. I just hate communities and sharing and living together, NOW. People here have their own cheeky ways to take advantage of you, prey on you, manipulate you, etc. I don't even know why we still protect them from Darwinism honestly. This island turned me into a monster. You people should know the other side of paradise. Hell.
Anyway, some men just desperately need some attention. My instinct is activated all the time because this has been three years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am not special or anything. And I definitely don't want to be a victim. But it must be a good feeling to just slip into a victim mode once in a while and scream, "you've done this to me!" You...
Take it from me, I already know the ways of these savage men. And yes, I can say this to my own people, just out of momentary anger. There is no room in my mood for political correctness and politeness at this point. Any woman who has good instincts can tell the difference between irrational paranoia and downright harassment. These insecure men tend to be passive-aggressive. They'll try to get your attention and harass you indirectly. They will provoke you until you react and become the bad guy. Mind you, they can easily turn the tables. They know that they don't stand a chance with A women given their lowly status in society. Without education, wealth, privileges, or anything that makes a man a man, their only way to claim their status is through swagger and shameless display of ancient behavior.
There seems to be no other place to be peacefully alone, well, except if you have the means. If you have the means to build your own mansion and barricade it with barbed wire (aww but not good for the literal animals). And drive your own car and wear an invisible cloak. I swear I would rather die in this mansion alone and depressed. I think somebody needs to colonize this island, again, and civilize these men who still behave like animals.
I don't want to be a Karen but I just feel so repressed these days. I feel like all my hatred and anger towards these men are all bottled up. There seems to be no other healthy outlet excepting blogging about my true feelings.
I could be living somewhere else to avoid this type of scenario right? But I am just tired, so very tired. You can just tell me to move back to my city and be with my friends and family. Easier said than done given my current financial situation and oh, the global pandemic too.
Blogging has been my go-to friend whenever I need to express my feelings. So I don't have to look like a lunatic in real life. It sucks that I don't want to be with people and I want to be with people. I've been juggling back and forth between these conflicting desires to the point of confusion. But at this moment, I just want to be left alone. In peace. Until I become okay again. Peace.
previously, previously, previously,