Now before I say anything and if anyone wants to be preachy: there is a difference between living with depression, and just being depressed. For everyone it's a little different but I am gonna kinda say what it's like for me, and a little bit about how I cope with it.. and before I get into it, I just wanna say if any of you on here are suffering I want you to know I am here for you , shoot me a reply here , get ahold of me on discord if you have it, whatever. I have been there and I know how crippling life can feel from time to time, and there have been many times I wished so fucking hard I had someone who would actually empathize with me, instead of trying to give me shitty advice about running and nature and telling me to get over myself. So please. I'm here. you've got a safe place to talk with me always<3

Depression is weird...

Some days I feel okay enough to be a part of society and smile and laugh, and kind of put on my shell so to speak. Those are the easy days. but there are days, that are just so fucking mind numbing and full of melancholy that I almost can't stand it. It's almost like living under water , how when you try to run underwater all of that mass in the way makes you feel weighed down and slow and as hard as you try you can't go faster, you just get more and more tired. It's kinda like that.

Even on the hard days if I have to go in public the mask comes on and nobody's the wiser. I smile, say hello, do things you'd see any other person do living their lives, but inside there's what almost feels like in a metaphor like my insides are made of black goo, or something like that, mentally that's how I feel. It's easy to hide how you're really feeling especially if you've been doing it a long time. There was a time I didn't hide it, when I would openly cry or beg or just pray someone realized how wrong I felt all the time, my mom took me to a shrink, multiple, actually . Didn't help. That's when I kinda realized nobody really cared. No matter how much you asked for it or show that you need help most people won't give you the time of day unless you have something for them. Learned that in some of the hardest ways , though sometimes it's the only way we will learn. So I hide away in my mind and just go on auto pilot... Now I realize that's not healthy , although I still do a good bit of hiding on those bad days , I will share my feelings with those I love. I call my mom . A lot. Usually crying. But she's always there for me even when nobody else is, she has always been the one who knew when something was wrong with me, call it mother's intuition. She was the only one who tried to get me help when she knew her baby was in pain . I truly commend her for that. She's much stronger than me.

Today was a bad day, It's kinda just been a bad weekend. Nothing bad actually happened to make it feel bad at all. it actually had a few lovely moments. It's just how I felt. I've had no motivation , I've been constantly tired no matter how much or how little sleep i've gotten, I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything, sometimes it just feels like I am chasing after a big nothingness, but not really meaning to. Its the days I can't get out of bed or brush my hair or even look at my phone or computer .

The worst days are the ones I try to find comfort in the things and people/animals I love.

Depression is hard, but what helps a lot is knowing I'm not alone. even when I feel that way. I have people who love and care, though they don't understand , they try and it's so fucking admirable seriously , I am not easy to deal with sometimes on the day to day

When my mind gets the depression fog, I forget things so easily, I get frustrated, sometimes angry at nothing. and I have to admit I have taken it out on those close to me, but with a lot of patience and love things get easier.

I also have anxiety , which I didn't really want to touch base on too much maybe make a separate post about but in some ways my anxiety and depression hold hands , and work together in trying to destroy my psyche. Like how I get frustrated and angry, or  why I am constantly worried about failure, death, what others may or may not think of me(though as I've gotten older I have given a lot less fucks about that).. Anyway , I digress.

So , you think how do I cope with such overwhelming feelings at times?

Well, I used to do it in very unhealthy ways. sometimes I still do. I used to have a big problem with food. I used it as a crutch all the time. though I do kinda get into those times where I waver and go back I have tried to control these things.

Sometimes , I just cry it out. It can be such a release its almost like popping a huge ass pimple that's been putting on so much pain and pressure and even though it REALLY fucking hurts in the moment of popping , once it's over you feel so much better and less gross. Whoever thinks crying is for pussies is a fucking idiot. Its good for you to let it out sometimes and project , because if you don't you could end up having full fledged panic attacks . They are not fun. Never be afraid of your emotions they are fucking REAL and need to be addressed as such.

Meditation, It helps to throw away all your thoughts for at least five damn minutes and bask in nothingness, no worries , no fears , no anger. Just Peace. It may be hard at first , but there are plenty of resources on the internet to help you . 

Find something you really like to do . Put your feelings into that , whether it's crochet, singing, drawing, gaming, writing, anything! once you make these feelings tangible you will feel like you have more control over them. when your mind is busy it doesn't have time to worry about this or that , or focus on how terrible you feel you will be focused on the task and it will be fun because you enjoy it !

Surround yourself with people who actually love you. Toxic people are just going to fuel your downward spiral. If you don't have the right people around you , you will just get stuck and stressed and feel worse , and worse. It's not healthy. Cut the toxic people of, like they are a fucking zombie bite. It may hurt like hell but in the end, it will be worth it , and you will find the people who love you and who genuinely care or may even empathize with you because you are in the same boat.

Now this is a touchy subject , but if you have a medicine you take and it actually helps you feel better ,as long as it is taken responsibly, I see nothing wrong with it. If it helps, it helps, and don't let anyone stop you. personally I couldn't find any medicine that really made me feel better. Maybe marijuana , but where I'm at its not legitimate to treat things like that yet. but I self medicate with weed, coffee, and cigarettes. I know not healthy, but I am not here to be lectured I am just here to tell it like it is...

Any way, that's my spiel , and I'm stickin' to it.like I said if anybody here whether I know you or not needs to talk I'm here. Life is hard, with depression it feels harder , but everyone in this world is a fighter , none of us would have made it this far if we weren't . I wish you all peace and love <3