Trying this again... an explanation to why I haven't posted in 4 months and an update on a heartbreak
What an interesting few months this has been! The reason I stopped writing daily was actually because of a very eventful wedding, which I didn't even know how to put into words. I didn't have internet for a few days so I couldn't write about it the same day, so was considering just letting go of it, but being quite a traumatic, albeit funny, experience I didn't feel like I could move on to the next day without writing about it. But then days turned to weeks and then to months and resulted in me preparing to just give up on the whole thing.
My mind has changed now as I remembered why I wanted to start this in the first place: to share a journey and include the little details that somehow shape your life without you even realising. I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster recently and I've pushed through barriers that I think have really affected me and I am very annoyed with myself that I didn't share it.
So here goes my second attempt. Obviously I can't update you on every day so where on earth do I start? Let's begin with recently a bit of a heart break. Long story short a guy I've been obsessed over for years on and off kissed me for the first time a few weeks ago. The day after I was ecstatic and my best friend shared my excitement and in my head I was thinking about the things that could happen next. He then texted me, which made me even happier and then things started to go a bit downhill...
A friend who was out that night, who left before the kiss happened told me he had a competition going to see who could get with the most girls. Fantastic. I still had a slither of hope though - he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't like me and we were friends so surely if he saw it as just a game he would just get with a stranger?? Well, I spoke to another friend about this and it turned he was black-out drunk and he forgot the whole thing. What a prize I felt like. Then the replies got slower and slower and he then ignored the last message I sent. I assume he was told about what happened and texted me to get rid of any awkwardness.
It's fair to say that was a bit of a blow to my self-esteem, but my feelings for him did not diminish and I tried very hard to organise things so I could see him in person and talk about it with him. After several attempts of organising group things he wasn't able to attend I gave up and he continued to be the source of my emotional pain without him even doing a thing.
This experience however did spark off a spontaneous trip to Rome to meet my sister who was cat sitting there as I just wanted to do something for fun and for myself. It was an intense two days with very little sleep. I explored the typical tourist areas and on the first night, I went out and had the most wonderful time that really lifted my spirits. The night involved meeting lots of new and interesting people from all over the world, being invited to a VIP area and staying up until 7am with a group of Americans in their apartment watching the sun rise in the centre of Rome. My confidence levels have soared since and I gained so much from that little adventure.
Returning home and adjusting to the same life and feelings was difficult, but I did continue meeting and talking to new people thanks to the confidence the Rome experience gave me. I had a lovely week hanging out with my friends, but since Saturday night I've become very down and surprise surprise the forgetful, kissing-competition boy was a big part of it. I organised a barbecue and he messaged me saying he couldn't come because he was already going out with his other friends, which was fair enough. The barbecue was a lot of fun and I had been invited out with another group of people afterwards, but I got very drunk by accident and could barely stay awake let alone organise a time to meet people, get changed and entertain the people who were already round. As I later found out though he was at the place I would have gone out to, which did not put me in a very cheery mood and with the addition of alcohol made me very dramatic and pathetic in front of quite a few people.
The BBQ group and I went to a pub after where one of my friends thought it would be funny to take my phone and message all the people I had recently spoken to. This clearly wasn't me so the majority of people didn't reply except the guy I met in Rome (who I did find very attractive, so was happy about that) and of course the guy who had left me feeling like shite the past few weeks. That perked me up a bit, but in the morning he ignored the last message and then being newly sober the regret kicked in and I started beating myself up. Why do I always send the last message? I could have ignored, but no I just can't ignore anything he sends. He wasn't even sending anything worth replying to and yet I kept messaging him. God, I must have seemed so annoying. All these thoughts were running through my head also while being hungover. He was out having fun while I was clinging on to the fact he was giving me slow replies while I was drunk and alone in bed. How sad can you get?
Yesterday and today I've been doing nothing but moping around and feeling sorry for myself, without really doing anything about it. I've been so desperate for company and as no one was free to distract me, I sadly realised I can't stand being alone at the moment. I don't want to be with myself. After gaining all this confidence I've also somehow become bored with me.
Thankfully I had my mum to to lean on for some emotional support and I ended up crying about everything which I haven't been able to do. It's been a huge pressure relief and I feel I've got more of a sense of closure from it. The lesson I've learnt from these past few weeks has been getting down about people not giving you the attention you want from them can only really be solved by validating yourself. The way to do that I guess is to just fill your life up so you get so focussed on what you love doing, you don't even have the chance to think about someone giving you flaky replies. My sister once said that your life and your problems are like a glass and a ball (the glass being your life and the ball being your problems). The ball will never change its size but you can change the size of the glass and the bigger the glass is the smaller the ball will seem . I think those are very wise words to live by, so here's to getting a bigger glass and seeing what tomorrow will bring!