Should we punish our children?

The issue of punishing children has been a hot topic for years. There are numerous pieces of research into it, but due to the high level of variables the results are correlational.
But leaving psychological research aside, I wanted to discuss this at a more down to earth level.

My personal opinion is that no child is born 'bad'. There are kids with higher needs and more problem-prone personalities, but 'naughtiness' isn't a trait, but a red flag. When they behave badly, they have a reason for it.

Younger children are learning so much about being human, about their emotions and their social environment, that they will naturally go wrong sometimes. Their nervous system is still under-developed and it can be very difficult for them to successfully regulate their emotions and outbursts on their own. They need our understanding and help.

A close friend of mine has just had her second baby and her four year old is struggling to adapt. A few days ago he randomly decided to hit the new baby. His mum knows hitting is wrong, plus it took her ages to settle the baby and barely slept the night before so she got angry - a very normal reaction - and decided to send him to the naughty corner; he also got called 'bad' or 'mean'. Sounds like a very normal reaction for a lot of parents.

Let's picture what happened in this little boy's mind. He felt very jealous of the new baby and became so angry that he couldn't control himself. He was in a lot of emotional pain and needed his parents' help to deal with it. However, his mum left him alone with the horrible feelings. Instead of learning how to manage his strong emotions or react better, he learned that he is a bad person. The one he relied on seemed to be against him, when she should have been his most needed support. So this child is feeling lonely, angry, confused, and still very jealous.

The best thing to do in a situation like this is to calm down. Make sure no one is in danger and take a few deep breaths before you do anything else. It takes a lot of hard work to control your own anger, but it's crucial to your child's development.

The advice I gave my friend was this:

It's important to tell the child that hitting is wrong, but it's even more important to acknowledge his feelings.

Simply saying 'I can see you are very upset/angry/jealous, but we don't hit each other' can make him feel understood. Children are much more likely to learn from you when they think you are on their side.
Instead of isolating him and making him feel like a bad person, get him involved in helping the situation. Maybe ask what he could do to make baby feel better. And later spend some quality time alone with him, make sure he doesn't feel left out.

Try to figure out what's going on with your child and how you can help him. When my son is being a little difficult I start by asking myself: is he hungry? tired? bored? Does he feel ignored or neglected? Is he going through a change or difficult time? Maybe I haven't been spending enough time with him. Almost every time one of these is true. Other times he is just confused about how he should behave and needs a little guidance.

But shouldn't children learn about consequences?

Absolutely! The key is that consequences should always be directly related to the action. If my son was being a pain at the supermarket and I had to leave, the next day I'd I tell him that he can't join me when I go shopping. He might get upset but I explain that there would be other opportunities for him to come with me and behave better.
If your children made a mess and you're taking away their toys, it doesn't make any sense. Instead, make sure they clean the mess themselves. If they refuse to, let them know that you won't have time to read a story at bedtime because you had to clean up after them.

These are called natural consequences.

• I didn't refuse to take you with me as punishment, but because I need to do the shopping and you prevented me from doing so the day before.
• I didn't decide to not read a story as punishment, but since I spent my time cleaning, there was no time to read stories - naturally.

This way children get to learn that there are consequences to their actions, but you aren't hurting them purposefully. You get to stay on the same team.

This is a complex subject and I will go into more details about specific situations in later posts. I will be more than happy to respond to any questions.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you found this post useful.

Corina