Notes from a Love Affair
At the hour I count sheep,
I laugh instead.
I wait for missives,
Then giggle in bed.
At the hour that I sleep,
I wait for you.
What was the poem that you sent?
What truth did you tell?
Did you have to share?
A secret to sell?
In the night where I wait,
Wait for a sign,
I lie and hate,
Hate that you were not already mine.
To be silly
To be grand
To be appreciative of Rand
To be loving
To be sweet
To split the night with wet feet
To care
To dare
To embrace and stare
To love
To fear
To think of last and next year
To wonder
To want
To do what we please
To fly
To go
To find out what is flow
It would be great, would it not, to give you--them--all that I've got?
"Like an unexpected visitor, shame arrived within" her.
Why do women keep making dirty house analogies to me?
She's brilliant.
This last feature [of my dream] says a lot about listening, taking heed of feminine wisdom and being open to it at the outset of any exchange. The feminine is position to comment on alignment. Ignore it and be insolent at risk of peril.
(I doubt I heeded my own analysis well enough.)
FIRST DATE:
I wanted to be someone extremely valuable to an amazing person. You do amaze me. And you're going to get to know me and see that it is not just my heart that's expansive. My heart is expansive though, and I'm glad someone can see it.
Do you think you know things that your mind can't grasp, but your body can? As if truth could be more automatically known, but not understood? I didn't know there was such a thing, but I consider it, because I was looking for you. I am so attracted, in part, because you experience as a rule what is only an exception for me: to feel, truly feel, in my bones.
When I was having a moment like yours, when you were pleading to God for your survival, I was pleading to myself--to the best within me--to continue.
DON'T FUCK THE MESSENGER BEFORE YOU KNOW THE MESSAGE
About the message: I have been thinking of that truth for months. I have conceptualized it differently. I have thought of the communication as a battle for a soul. If there's something you need to see, I'll fight you. I'll plead, I'll hold you down and prop up your eyelids.
That's the sort of messenger I have to be. I gave up the battle once before. I'm not letting you go that way.
(Have I?)
SECOND DATE:
On this date to the museum
Where American Genius finds display
Chicken sandwich in the f-light
Resist, you will, but why?
You're gonna tongue me before I leave
You're gonna find my tongue
You're gonna fall, if you haven't
Drink tea and be
Irresponsible and forget
We mustn't and yet
We owe it, you owe it to ourselves
Eat that bar
Drink that tea
I forgot how tiny a dancer can be
We're going to do what we will.
...I took a deep breath and hit send, feeling like I must be committing to much more than get-to-know-you. I was. In no time, we were hooked. In no time, falling in love was a small part of it...
Calm. Committed. Easy. That's being with her. That's me. It's knowing that the future will unfold in any number of ways that will suit me.
Please allow me to recite an incantation: I love you.
"If he felt the need to direct, direct you into my arms."
I get it now(?)--I'm a guest, and I'm not brave. Because I don't mention it, I don't see beauty. And I'm supposed to see through the moments I'm least able to understand. You don't see half as much as you think you do.
We quit dancing.
I'm to cancel her attendance next week. Seems like she's readying to dump me. I didn't do a perfect job of handling one of the most chaotic scenes I've lived through, so I might be out.... If she doesn't want to come come my way--meet in the middle--then what opportunity is there for us....
In order to get "emotional availability," AKA, a feminine aspect, you must give masculine. ...
I once walked through the fire of my blindness to realize my mistakes. You can do the same.
I dreamt she texted in the night: "It's all my fault."
I miss you, Love. Yet, my mind is such a state that it's hard to miss you. Maybe you weren't yet a part of me in the deepest ways. When I think of you, how you won't be there, I miss you, now and in that future. I love you so much.
I said I get why you responded as you have. I'm sure I do, on many levels. That doesn't change what I need to say:
I became more than I was in order to build a life with a beautiful person. That's what people should do. I regularly stretched myself to be supportive and attempt understanding in unfamiliar territory.
The experience has been rewarding for many reasons, the most of all is that I was a reliable person to a person who truly mattered. I thought I was finding a place in the world where I belonged.
At a difficult time, I could have used your support at any level. Instead, I feel inconvenient and dispensable, as, I realize, I have felt for many years but not known it that way.
I hope this is not a feeling you know, nor come to know. It's devastating, and I still hope that my devastation buys you relief.