Adventures in rural living: why you should always bribe your mail carrier

For much of my adult life, I've lived in larger towns/cities (~80,000 people). Getting my mail on time and delivered safely was just something I took for granted. I don't recall ever having an issue with lost or damaged mail in all of those years, or a late delivery because of bad weather. The USPS truly lived up to their unofficial motto, as far as I could tell: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

Then we moved to Texas. 

Or rather, I should say we moved back to Texas; we lived here previously--between 2010-2011, and then moved back to our old home state because of a job I was offered. We moved back to Texas in 2013 (the job wasn't that great, and my family had all moved here), and we've been here ever since. I'm not a stranger to rural life, most of my teenage years were spent on a farm in Nowhere, Kansas. I do like it here in North Texas for the most part. We have a great view and wide open spaces, although the weather does get pretty crazy during tornado season.

(All photos: Claire Williams)

But there was one unexpected consequence of moving back to the country that I hadn't anticipated: being at the mercy of your rural mail carrier. This became a problem after my husband's eBay video game business really started to take off a couple of years ago. I've got a long and terrible tale for you about our former mail lady. Get yourself a drink and settle down, this may take a little while.

Hi, I'm ______! Let me tell you how awesome I am and what assholes your neighbors are.

Our carrier was an absolute nightmare during the last couple of years that she drove our route. Because I'm not a complete jerk, I'll leave her name out of it. She seemed to be one of those people who make mortal enemies over the smallest slight, the kind of person who carries grudges deep in their tiny black heart.

The first time my husband met her, she ranted at him for several minutes about another customer around the corner. He'd never met these neighbors, or even knew their names, but she seemed to think my husband should agree with her about how horrible these folks were, or that he could somehow get them to stop their despicable ways.

Eventually, we started having problems with our packages. My husband refurbishes and sells video game systems and electronics, and we have packages coming and going almost daily. It was just little things, to start: slightly damaged or opened/resealed packages, etc. Nothing major, nothing missing--yet.

I see a bad moon rising

On one occasion, we were left a pick-up claim slip that stated there wasn't room in our empty mailbox to deliver a package. We have an oversized box that could probably accommodate a very small person--or a very fat toddler--if they were packaged correctly. When I went to pick up this "too-large" package, I was given a small parcel the size of a DVD and no explanation as to why it wasn't just left in our box. That incident was blamed on a clueless "fill-in carrier." Riiiight.

After we requested (via a extremely polite note) that she stop leaving all our packages on the ground or over the gate (because rain + electronics = bad), I opened the mailbox one day to find she had put the mail in the back, then shoved a large package in on top of it--completely crunching all the regular mail. Seriously? 

I see trouble on the way

I eventually called to complain about these problems and her habit of driving like a bat out of Hell down our little road. I was told that they'd talk to her, but there wasn't much they could do because she was "retiring next year."

One day when I was coming home, I was driving behind her and watched in awe as she pulled up next to our neighbor's fence and literally threw their Amazon Prime box a good five feet out her window and over their gate. She probably would have been deadly at frisbee golf. I called to complain again, and was told again that they'd talk to her. Apparently this "talk" also included my identity, because a day or two later she left a VERY nasty handwritten note in our box, which basically said that I was a liar and she'd never thrown our neighbor's package or damaged any of ours. I must be crazy!

I see earthquakes and lightnin'

I called the post office again and was asked to email a picture of the note. I did, and never received a reply. I was later told that the assistant supervisor I emailed no longer worked there. 

Over the next week or two, things got a LOT worse. More of our incoming packages were delivered mysteriously damaged, opened, or marked as delivered--but not actually showing up until a few days later (if at all). 

A 10-lb box of empty DVD cases arrived looking like it had been drop-kicked before coming to rest a good yard or two inside our gate. Over 1/3 of the cases were broken. Apparently, she could have been a great punter for the Cowboys, too.

Then an eBay customer's outgoing package from us disappeared somewhere between our mailbox and the initial scan-in. This was hurting our business now. We stopped sending outgoing packages out of our mailbox, and I started delivering them in person to the post office. At least the people working the counter and the early-hours drop-off window seemed nice enough.

I see bad times today

After a couple weeks of this, I went to the post office in person with the handwritten note she had left us and requested to see the Postmaster. I laid out all of the issues that we'd been having and gave her the note. She seemed to take things seriously and said it was completely against policy for the carrier to have written it in the first place, and that she would reprimand her and tell her own (the Postmaster's) supervisor in Fort Worth about the incidents. But at the same time, she offered up the same excuse that the carrier was due to retire soon, as if that somehow tied her hands from actually doing anything about it.

Don't go 'round tonight, It's bound to take your life

The problems continued, and things finally came to a head a few months later. I was driving home again (this time with my kids in the car) and came up behind the carrier on our dead-end, one-lane road. She turned around in our ditch (as she usually did) and stopped in the grass next to our neighbor's mailbox as I approached. Then she swung out into the lane and literally ran me off of the road. I had to slam on my brakes and swing into the other ditch to avoid hitting her. 

Could it have been unintentional? Sure, except that she made eye contact with me before pulling out, and had no expression of surprise or dismay after she ran me off the road.

Back I went to the post office for a sit-down with the Postmaster. Again she smiled and nodded, expressed her shock and sympathy, and made all sorts of promises that she would deal with the situation. I told her we were buying a dashcam for our protection. The same carrier was back on our route the next day. She also apparently talked to our neighbors that week, and demanded that they move their (completely normal-sized) mailbox to the other side of the road because it "blocked her view." We had a good laugh about that, at least.

There's a bad moon on the rise

Sometime late this last summer, she stopped driving our route. Maybe they moved her to a different one, or maybe the prophesied day of her retirement had finally come nigh. Either way, her reign of terror was finally at an end, and the people (at least in this household) did rejoice.

Moral of the story: never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Wait, that's not right...

Anyway, here's a bit of advice if you're moving to a rural area. Your local Postmaster either can't or won't do anything about your mail delivery problems. They have too few employees to go firing even the bad ones. If you're having issues, invest in a post-office box or a fifth of whiskey. Use the whiskey to either bribe your carrier, or to drown your sorrows. Learn from my mistakes!!!