I'm sick, but it's easier already

I keep on getting sick, I'm sitting in four walls, I dream about a cigarette, but I'm too lazy to go out of the house to the store. I broke my lip with a door, it's good that my teeth stayed in place.
For some reason, it's very sad. Every night I have dream about summer, well, or at least spring, and outside the window they are gone, cold and mud, bare trees. I look only at the sunny sky, do not look down below. The scholarship is delayed for a week, I do not even have the strength to fight, every day promises and complaints about insufficient funding.
I listen to "sommertite", I remember my crazy past summer, I walk around the house in a dressing gown and constantly eat.
Periodically pop up songs from the past, and I think about how everything changed, how I changed, came to the assembly point, wrapped myself in something so that I feel whole. I got a strong inner rod. I do not know where he came from, but I feel that I can do everything, that I will have everything. That one day I will come somewhere and understand - here you can stop. In the meantime, I'm walking, walking, running, flying. Sometimes I get angry and throw things away, sometimes I give up and cry softly to myself in a corner, but then I put everything in places, the tears dry up on my own, and I continue to move forward. Left just a little bit. There's spring, there's a smile to the sun, and maybe something else. My desires are fulfilled with the mind.
For this year I turned around my axis several times, from some formless mass I managed to get together in something that I like. Attitude to everything has become different, I no longer condemn myself for nothing. I follow my desires, whatever they are - to smile and act, otherwise everything will fall apart.