Maybe You Just Weren’t Meant To Be

About two months ago, I was at Coffee Bean with my friend Samantha. We were talking about how I didn’t want to fall in love again, because I have numerously made the mistake of falling for people who don’t feel the same way as I do. It was a hot Thursday afternoon after class, I decided to use up my July coupon and invite Samantha for a buy one take one coffee date. My friend Samantha told me, “Cath!, when you fall in love, I don’t think you should give your all because you always get hurt in the end.” I have never felt so unsure with what I was supposed to believe as much as I had that day.

“ ‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, But being too happy in thine happiness,—” If I were to interpret this, I would agree with John Keats in saying that the persona isn’t actually jealous of another person’s happiness, but in the thought of a person being too happy just because he/she is happy. Relating this to love, it’s like how I am not jealous of my friends in healthy relationships because they are happy; rather, I’m jealous for the mere fact that they’re happy with one another. I’m not really bitter about love, I enjoy being a third-wheel. I enjoy seeing my friends in happy relationships eating together, and being sweet together. It makes me believe that some relationships can last for long. People in relationships nowadays celebrate their “monthsary” because of the sad reality that some relationships don’t last until the “anniversary.” Again, I am not bitter about being single and rejected. I’m just saying that being a third wheel sometimes makes me jealous of the happiness of people in relationships. I’m jealous of the reassurance that they have, I’m jealous of people who have that “special someone” in their hearts who stick with them through thick and thin. I’m jealous of the girl and the boy who don’t have to worry about being teased as "whore" and “fuckboy” just because they are “too touchy” towards each other. Honestly, what’s so wrong with wanting to be in a relationship where both people are happy just because they are happy being loved by someone as much as he/she loves him/her?

“That I might drink, and leave the world unseen, And with thee fade away into the forest dim:...” In Keats’ poem, this means to leave the world as we get drunk. Keats wanted to leave human society and responsibilities without anybody noticing, and just fade into the dark forest with the nightingale’s song. Sometimes falling in love makes you want to drink your problems away and forget who you are. I actually recall a similar event that happened to me last October 2016 which made me want to drink my sadness away and fade into the sea of people walking along the busy city streets. As the sun was setting, I was called to the mall because Robert wanted to talk to me. I was actually excited because we haven’t seen each other in quite a long time, he told me he had pizza and was waiting for me by the steps of the terraces. It was my mistake to be excited. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. He wanted to cut off ties with me for reasons, that at that time were unknown. He even had a notebook where he listed those reasons! What pissed me off was that when I asked what those reasons were, he said those reasons weren’t important. I felt like I was in one big K-Drama! I left the pizza with him at the terraces and walked away looking down, bumping several people in the process and almost getting hit by a truck under the flyover in between the mall and the Hotel. Thank God for honks, right? Have you ever felt the feeling where you forget how to breathe and you don’t know where you went wrong, that’s how I felt. I mean, who wouldn’t want to drink and forget yourself for a while after all that drama? Imagine having three years of happiness ruined by one mistake that changed everything. Imagine betrayal by the highest level, by someone who you thought was the last person who would betray you. Imagine forgiving that person for what he has done to you, but in the end has decided to cut off ties with you. Love is complicated, sometimes I don’t understand why I still want to get involved in all that drama after everything. Thinking about everything makes me want to slap some sense into my former self that she shouldn’t go around trusting people easily. Trust, that’s something I haven’t given easily after what he did to me. I told myself I wouldn’t fall for someone again, but I did. Look where it got me, rejected, betrayed, and jealous. Back to square one, wait for “the one” to arrive.

Going back to what my friend Samantha told me at Coffee Bean last July, the part where she almost hit my head in frustration for loving specific men wholeheartedly. I can’t say I can stop myself from putting a loved one first, but maybe I should limit looking into the souls of the mysterious men I meet.

I used to think I was abnormal for not having crushes when I was in freshman and sophomore year, only to realize later in junior year how much more dangerous it was to fall for someone after knowing a him for a while. I realized that I would only develop crushes on mysterious men who were already in my life, which often lead me to fall for them. It’s quite dangerous especially if you see each other on a daily basis. Those three special men who I fell in love with in my life, I still love them now. No matter the heartache, no matter the pain. Remember the man who betrayed me, and decided to cut off ties with me, we became friends for a while, but eventually he has gone off the grid and hasn't spoken to anyone since a confrontation.

It has been a month since I’ve written the draft of this essay, and as I sit here at a Doughnut store on a rainy Thursday afternoon revising this essay, I can say that love so far has been one stressful but enjoyable roller coaster ride. It’s October 18, 2017 now, a year and two days since Robert called me up to this same mall just to break my heart. Just to give you guys an update, he went to Taiwan right now with my close friend, who I suspected, he had feelings for since then. Since both my friend and I love traveling, they’re celebrating her birthday in Taiwan, which was my suggestion. I’m happy for them, really, I am. Last year, I was at Taiwan. This year, I’ll be heading to Japan. See how time flies? Just like how fast three and a half years with him had came and left. He may be my past, and I admit that I still feel nostalgic for those days when we stayed up till the wee hours of the night watching the stars at the garden terraces of the mall, but I also look forward to the day when the man that fate had destined me to spend the rest of my life with would finally arrive. I don’t believe in bitter endings, I believe in love. Love does make you do crazy things; and make you feel unwanted emotions, but in the end… Love is acceptance. Love is unconditional. Love is love.