It’s too late to change my mind and it’s time to admit I was wrong. There, I said it. I was wrong. I sacrificed too much in my life for you and even put my relationship with my son at risk. What kind of horrible mother does that? And you supported it? I have some work to do in order to forgive myself for my behavior, but this isn’t about me – not this time. I’ve been dealing with myself enough lately. It’s your turn.

People make presumptions about me. They so willingly tell me what I should be or should want. It’s been happening to me my entire life, but I’m so used to it that I let it roll off me – usually gracefully and without hard feelings. For some reason, I never expected this from you, and for that reason can’t help but have hard feelings toward you. I thought you were the exception.

Am I being too sensitive or perhaps too insensitive? Irony is confusing.

Photo source: pixabay.com

Should, should, should…

Really? Should I…? What kind of woman am I, you ask?

Since I’m a woman, you say, I should be talking non-stop; entertain you! I should be a nagging nightmare that annoys the hell out of every man I know; start the vicious cycle that ends a marriage every 5 seconds! I should be weak – of mind and body; stop thinking so much and just look pretty! I should smile more; ladies are sweeter when they smile!

We’ll take these “shoulds” point-by-point, so I can break it down for you why I can’t stand you. It’s the least I can do. After all, we have history.

I.

I’ll be honest with you. There’s not much of anything to talk about. Not with you and not anything that matters. You just won’t understand. No, I haven’t seen that movie or heard that song. And no, I don’t want to video chat with you on Skype; I’m not a cam girl.

You see, I can’t talk, because all the talking is happening in my head. Care to join in the conversation? I doubt it; you got bored the second I mentioned what the topic in there is. That glazed over look in your eyes is one I’m all too familiar with seeing.

When something goes straight over your head and you don’t even realize, is it my fault or yours?

II.

Dude, I thought men wanted women to stop nagging them. Just because I don’t nag doesn’t mean I don’t care. But if you’re going to nag me about not nagging, then I can assure you I will stop caring. The way I show I care is difficult to unmask, but hides in plain sight if you open your eyes.

I have needs, but I’m not going to beg you to address those needs. I've told you about my needs and you choose to ignore them. I'm not a "typical" woman (whatever that means) who expects you to be a mind reader.

My needs are beyond physical; I thought you were wise enough to understand that. I’m wise enough to let a man be a man, and I even appreciate men being men. I’ve addressed your needs with open arms and passion.

Photo source: pixabay.com

III.

Weak-minded people have the same problem as weak-bodied people – they self-destruct. You’re imposing on my free will and self-respect, on my ability to decide and push myself to my limits. I don’t do girl push-ups and I don’t acquire Swiss cheese knowledge. Just because you and others do, doesn’t mean I should, too.

I'm strong enough to take care of myself since you won't. Since we're on the topic of what I should be doing, I would say that I should never expect anything from anyone. That way, I'll never be disappointed.

IV.

I smile. When I’m happy. You didn’t make me happy. I’m not capable of a fake smile – not anymore; I gave away all those when I worked in retail.

Genuine smiles are beautiful and infectious, a treasure to share generously and often. But quite frankly, if it’s not real, I don’t have it. Fake it until you make it is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

What if I don’t want to f*cking smile? My fake, forced smile might sneak a frenzy of confusion and pity onto you, because you don’t understand. The smile would make you will feel subtle discomfort – the calm before the storm. And it would make me feel like a scheming patronizer.

V.

I’m a woman being a woman, just maybe not the woman you envisioned. It doesn’t mean I’m not a woman. You telling me that as a woman I should be doing this or that, and me not doing this or that doesn’t make me any less of a woman. Understand that.

I wrote this about a relationship that I want to put behind me. This is what I would have told him if I had been able to find the words back then...