You're such a wonderful writer, Zippy.
I'm at a loss for what to say in response to this post. It's so raw and beautifully written and heart-wrenching. I know some of these feelings you're talking about... I think everyone does to some extent or another. It's scary to feel so powerless and low and unable to escape. That's what gets me.. is that I am irrevocably me and there's nothing I can do about it. Caitycat can't walk away from Caitycat. It can make a person crazy working though all these thoughts.
Anyway, like I said, I'm in awe of your ability to bring words and thoughts and emotions together. You're a beautiful human and I hope you are able to stay in the light this time around. Do let me know if I can help.