RE: Goodbye
You should know that I love You for Your kind words that You have blessed me with many times. I am eternally grateful for that.
Unfortunately though, I should fight for my Life, but I can't any longer. Since Honeyboy passed into the non-physical, my 'own' Life has stopped. The body still keeps going on, but without any ambitions, or desire to move on. I have lost a quarter of my weight and am wilting away from my respiratory illness - the one I had to escape for from the erupting volcano in Hawai'i. I dragged my Kitties with me and as a result, Honeyboy died. There are two amazing Feline Souls that have been with me for twelve years and the two new biggest rascals ever. The concern about what will happen to them consumes me. No proper sleep for years now.
This is not intended to be a complaint, or even worse, some excessive whinery. It is the way it is today and I am aware that The Universe took billions of years and even more events to get me to this point of my Life. On Monday I will cremate my Babyboy. He is still in the freezer compartment after some intense dramas that prevented me from burying him here in my yard.
Maybe his cremation will be a turning point and the tremendous sadness over his departure will ease a little. He was the better part of my own Being. I have hallucinations in which I can clearly see him around me - unable to touch him. Why everything turned into what it is - is beyond my own capacity for understanding. Maybe some things can't be understood at all?
Out of this bottomless sadness arose a sensation that I never experienced before. The one where I realized that my words fail what I care to express. And what I care to express - has been expressed for thousands of years now. It feels wholly ridiculous to write about Being The Universe in a world that only cares for volatile entertainment and a continuation of a path that has no destiny - other than the 'what goes around, comes around' principle.
The constant war mongering, the descent of the Western world into Fascism with shopping priority has made me truly sick. It is as if my non-physical is pulling the plug on my physical Being. Day after day. Hour by hour. An incomprehensible trip that makes me wonder what will happen with all the other folks of my provenance that have it coming the same way, but don't know it yet.
Maybe it is necessary at this time to let go of everything. Of my desire to express what I have found out about The Universe and of the many items on my bucket list. Although I bought a rope for the worst case scenario, I am unable to use it because of my Feline companions. Which might be odd - after all I have wonderful children and a most amazing Granddaughter. But I feel that my Felines would suffer exponentially more that the Human Beings in my Life. They can reason and I am not convinced that Felines are able to. I can see first hand how they are suffering from the loss of their Brother. How much
worse would it be if they lose their majority unconditionally loving Human Being? Here in Uruguay - like in many other countries with the same religion - my Feline aspects of my personality are just 'animals'. They are not considered equal to 'people'. They are inferior. Which in turn hurts me twice as much, as it painfully shows just how confused people can be. With the consequence of tremendous suffering and pain for our Feline companions.
I ask for forgiveness and understanding about our despair. But I never imagined that we would encounter such existential hardship. I am my own canary in my own coalmine. No health insurance, without any funds other than the ones given to me by my parents. Sitting in a 10ºC house without heating. My pneumonia likes that obviously.
Please be assured that I consider the communication with You as the essence of what I have come to do here. To communicate with others. You are these 'others' and it means the world to me.
Thank You for being such a wonderful Human Being.
Your reply touched me deeply. Where to start with mine?
Six years ago my Doctor diagnosed me with having cancer. Studying existentialist pholosophy in my youth, or taking Stephen Lavine's meditations on impermanence to the cushion, had been a great prep; but there was nothing like looking the Grimm Reaper square in the eyes to test those philosophies and teachings.
When my Surgeon suggested a procedure, it received my approval, yet it was made clear to him that regardless of it being siccessful ot not that the outcome would be excepted. A feeling of exceptence enveloped me like never before in my life. That feeling, to life in general, has continued like feelings from a powerful dream will do.
Now six years later, it's obviously been a success. Last year they asked me to stop taking up their time with my six month check ups. They called me a "survivor", yet Stephen Levine had taught me that it was but a reprieve. Even Jim Morrison had warned me, in my distant youth, that nobody gets out alive.
Perhaps it may not be cancer which will pull me under, but as assuredly as lightning, something will. The Existentialist in me cannot judge you for buying a rope, yet it would sadden me greatly to think of your last moments kicking in regret, even if only driven by the bassest depth of the primal mind fighting for existence.
If there is some way to help ease this difficult time, please let me know via my novacadian gmail account. Getting the room temp up to 20C may go a long way to ease the pain of the loss of your, dear, feline companion.
✌💛
Dear!
Unfortunately, but somehow to be expected, I fell gravely ill on Monday night after returning home from Montevideo. It was a tremendous effort to get Honeyboy cremated. And since this is the only crematorium for animals in Uruguay, the prices reflect that. After having lived in Hawai'i for so long I thought few places could be more expensive. Well, this is one of them and for no good reason whatsoever.
A friend was accompanying us and we were to meet a friend of his in Montevideo. We had to wait 45 minutes in the cold. 'Cold' is everything below 20ºC for me, but that night it had 10º. And I felt how the little warmth I had retained left my body. I am sure that based on Your own experiences, You know what Your body is telling You. Mine was screaming to get out of the cold - or else.
'Else' it was. Waiting more for the bus back. Bus ride the opposite of the cushy and comfy Orient Express. When I finally got home at 22:30h my carcass gave up. Within an hour my pneumonia I had been dealing with since last year took over. Followed by strong pain and vomiting, because - of course - I must have eaten something bad in Montevideo. Which is quite easy to achieve. By early Tuesday morning I had high fever.
The one little propane heater did its best to keep the bedroom from dropping below 18º, but the rest of the house was 5º. Every time I had to use the bathroom, I had to get into this cold and had cold sweats like never before. When the teeth are uncontrollably shattering. This continued until Thursday full throttle. Then it changed into a mental meltdown of epic proportions. Peaking yesterday (July 20th) were I experienced a death anxiety that cannot be put into words. If it would be any fun, one could speak of fantasies and adventures, but together with my illness, the nightmares kicked in. It has always eluded me what kind of mechanisms are at work with nightmares. Fever and anxiety seem to be easy explanations. However, the kind of nightmares speak about themselves. It is not only that I remember a 'bad dream' - it is the contents of these bad dreams that occupy my mind for the rest of the following day and then some.
Although I tried to get a note to You via email, it did not work and I did not attempt another try. I must have gotten something wrong, or my email ended up in a spam folder. Life is like that a many times. Meanwhile, the temperatures have gone up during the days to and average of 15ºC, but the nights drop to around 2º-5ºC. My Mom helped me out once more and I was able to buy another little gas heater. Now I have one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen - preventing the temperature from dropping too low while I am in either part of the house. I turn the one in the kitchen off for the night and it gets very cold again, but in the morning I turn it on and it takes only a few minutes to warm up the kitchen again. The main expense has now become the propane bottles and they are manifold more expensive than on Hawai'i.
During this period of extreme anxiety and physical distress, I came to the conclusion that it will be best to return to Germany to heal. It is not happening here. Especially not from the mental point of view. Honeyboy's passing has created a vicious guilt trip, because I know he could have lived still longer without going down to South America. The climate here killed him and it is doing its best to do me in as well. So, I decided to continue on our Odyssey and heading back to Bavaria. My Mom and Dad are thrilled - especially since my Dad has been in hospital and rehab for over a year now. He is only slowly getting better and my Mom is on her own with everything. I love my Mom very much and therefore the prospect of seeing her again gives me new energy. We have to wait out the period that is required for the Felines to return to Germany. It is much more of a bureaucratic scam than concern for anybody's well being, as all of my Felines are always properly vaccinated against all kinds of spreadable diseases.
It matters not. It needs to be done again and again and again. Another reason that I promised my Treasures to cut out any further travels for long enough for them to recover. The two newest members cannot accompany us though. The costs for that are prohibitive, since they would need the whole nine yard program to be done - including all the vaccinations, micro chips, another kennel and all the paperwork, which already costs an arm and a leg. The idea is to find a situation for them where they can stay until they could join us in Bavaria. But due to the procedures involved with them traveling alone, it would make it thrice as expensive. My heart is bleeding 24/7 and I am very sad that mankind has degenerated into this pathetic scheme of fleecing itself where possible.
Luckily, July is coming to an end tomorrow. How August will be is in the stars and last year it was thunderstorm galore with several inundations. We will see. Now I have some heat to keep us from freezing too much. The main task is now for me to survive the next three month - as it will take that much time to be allowed to return. Peteyboy never had a Titer test and that's what we are in the process of achieving now.
Sending You this life sign from a hazy and nebulous day, with my best wishes for You as well.