A Note To Self

Distractions. I am sitting here and thinking about distractions. This moment would be ruined if someone else was here. My brother just called. A distraction. So, what is it that I value in this moment? Is it a certain feeling? It would be logical for me to be here if I was anxious. Breeze from the sea is gentle, the wooden bench comfortable and the light is fading. But I think I came here for a different reason.

The man smoking his cigarette on the other bench has left. And I do not see those three girls walking on the distant bridge giving me a sense of passing time. My brother called. I am writing these words to my phone. Distractions.

I understood something in the tram today. Something that sounds so trivial when written, but it blew my mind. What is this "I" that should enjoy drinking beer outside in the sun and party in clubs. That’s what my brother wants us to do, he is coming to visit me tomorrow.

“Should I bring you something”, he said on the phone. “Well, why do I even ask, our mother will put something with me either way”.

I grin, It’s true. I won’t drink though, not this time, I don’t need to. Almost nothing good has ever come out of it in the end. I don’t need beer… what an interesting thing to understand.

I have thought of getting rid of my phone. I fantasized 10 minutes (or an hour) ago that I would throw it in the river and shout something dramatic. I now understand why people do these kinds of things in the movies. But I couldn’t write these sentences if it wasn’t for my phone...

I am sitting on a bench, writing this nonsense to my phone as people pass by. Tomorrow seems so far away. I will now but my phone away and continue to do the thing I came here to do.