How do you "fix" an introvert?

Beginning Note: The title might scandalize you, especially if you have minimal knowledge of behavioral psychology. I will ask you to have patience to the end of the article, to explain in detail my point of view.

I have seen many introverts who do not get the results they could get, because in their minds - the successful people are the "noisy" (without wanting to hit the extroverted in any way and their way of being). It is a logical trap in which we fall, because every time we open the TV or watch video / interviews with successful people, the likelihood of them being extroverted is quite high (otherwise you read a book about them or an interview in written form). 

The truth is that introversion or extroversion does not limit your potential in any way, unless you try to copy another "operating" mode than your native mode. In other words, introversion can limit you on your way only if you have as a model an extreme extrovert you are trying to copy. Success is customizable and can be achieved individually in its own way. Reality tells, looking at how I interact and what they actually do in different groups of people, that they do not "know" to behave in society. At least not as dictated by various "dictionaries" that teach us how to behave so "to be successful". 

I'm a withdrawn person, I like to spend time alone, with me and my thoughts. You often see me at a table in town, have a coffee or have a snack on my own (without a company). I appreciate my moments of contemplation and introspection and I would not give them anything out of this world.

The myth of the first 30 seconds introve

 It puts a great deal of emphasis on "the first impression," which in reality is just the apocalypse of the gallant and fast world in which we live, but without being a measure of personal success ... It is said that a first impression you do in the first 30 seconds of the moment you know someone and that you can not return that impression once it has been formed. 

In fact, I met several people who did not make a good impression on those fatidy prime "30 seconds", but who in reality were really "performers" on their field or very deep people. Give one example, representative, when at an event, I sat on the chair near the only person who did not have "neighbors". Somehow some of the others were bypassing it, because it looked "inaccessible". It took us more than 2 hours to change a few words, but at the end of the day we find it multi-million dollar and become friends at the buckle. What is important is who you are and what you are doing, not the 30 seconds you have to give "the best of yourself" without a second chance of "coming back". 

There are also many myths about introverts. An introverted person is quickly judged to be rigid and unable to relax. And here we can talk about a definition of what "relaxation" means with different meanings for each one. For an extroverted person it can mean dancing on a table or being surrounded by five people who constantly laugh at what he tells. For an introvert can mean a book read at the first hour of the day or an afternoon spent with someone dear.

What do you hear as an introvert?

 That you should be: more relaxed, more communicative, smile more often, live longer at the moment, allow yourself to "feel" more. Introvertists (the truly introverted) are seen as people blocking their lives and not "feeling" a wide range of emotions. 

Nothing less true - introverts, in reality, are extraordinary emotional sensors and do not need too much exposure to external stimuli as a "living" experience. Moreover, these external stimuli tire them (they burn fuses) and they need time to process what's happening. While extroverts are addicted to dopamine and constantly seek ways to create it, repeatedly. There are two different "operating" softwares and no one should be judged for using a software or another. Introverts have a much richer inner livelihood, while the extroverts have richer outward living.

What is introversion, in fact? 

The first to define the two modes of operation was Carl Gustav Jung at the beginning of the last century. The biggest confusion about introversion is that it is social and sociable. In fact an introvert can be extremely sociable, as there are extroverts who are not sociable (think of members of the district gangs that turn their extrovert character into aggressiveness and become antisocial). Introversion and extroversion refers to how you charge your batteries (and nothing more). 

An introvert loads his batteries in solitude and becomes more and more tired as he is surrounded by people and social "laughs." An extrovert loads his batteries out of this social mess and people and tends to lose energy when he is in solitude. Jung also said there were no "pure" introverts and extroverts, most of us standing somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. However, there are people who have a visible preference for extroversion and people who feel better in the internal operating software (introversion). Hence, there are many differences in behavior.

What do the new studies on introversion and extroversion say?

 One of the most interesting introversion studies has been done by Mars Olsen Laney, a psychologist and author of "The Advantage of an Introvert". He has been able to prove by brain-scanning many subjects in the two categories - that different neural pathways are used that give different behaviors and experiences. Introverts are very sensitive to dopamine and too many external stimuli get tired, taking time to process the "information" they receive. 

On the other side, the extroverti's brain feeds on dopamine, being less sensitive to it, and therefore needs a much larger amount of time to be able to emotionally process the lived experiences. Hence the differences: extrovertists need constant places, experiences and new people - just to create this dopamine, becoming dependent on it to the detriment of introspection (of what we call inner living) the brain of the introverts works differently, the blood flowing especially to parts of it that are involved in processes such as - memories, processing of information received, planning, inner emotion living ; this happens at the expense of what we call "action" - physical experimentation

I'm not saying it's a bad or good thing, but it's just two different "operating" softwares. It's not for anyone to use a single software, each of the two patterns having its own advantages to the point where it tries to operate on software that is not "native". 

What do the statistics say? 

I was surprised to see people who can operate in both "software", being both introverted and extroverted, entering the ambitious category. They have the characteristic of adapting according to the environment in which they live, without any major problems. In other words - if you have many extroverted people around you, then as ambitious, you behave without a problem like a native extrovert. Modern society has recently been based on technology - which has greatly facilitated interaction, speed of reaction and experimentation  introverts are becoming more and more obvious as negative examples . Why? Because they fail to keep up with the high level of dopamine created by society. That means they seem tired more and more, they need more time to come back, they are withdrawn and seen as "socially inappropriate".

 Going along this line, there are three categories of people:

1 - Extroverts about one-third 

There are those who enjoy the high level of dopamine exerted by the media and society. Outlined, they appear on all channels and seem to never get tired. Unfortunately, a standard of behavior that, if you do not adapt, means you're "abnormal." This is why there are many sayings of personal development literature that urge you to be a "gaudy": Take care of the first impression you make (the first impression is the almost exclusive appeal of an extrovert in search of dopamine and new and new social experiences) Smile more often! (introverts tend to be "sobriety" when they give new experiences because they empty the energy reservoir) Relax! Allow yourself to feel! (introverts quickly fuse and give the impression of blocking social emotions)

 2 - Imitators (or Ambitions) / about one-third 

There are those who have adapted easily to the society that is increasingly "laughing" and who are going extroverted because they imitate the first. 

3 - "Non-noisy" (or introverts) / about one-third 

They are the ones that modern society is getting tired of ever more and that give the impression that they are not adapted to the reality they live in. They are often bombarded with messages about how they should behave and are considered "easy" defects from this point of view, being in the minority. Hence many myths about the "successful man" I was talking about in the first part of the article.

  (in the picture above you can find some legendary figures that have a common trait: they are all introverted)

Myths about intruders that prevent you from succeeding: 

Myth no. 1 - Introvert does not like to communicate 

In fact, the introvert likes to communicate, with the simple amendment that he needs a purpose of conversation (unlike the extrovert, who can initiate without any problem conversations for their sake only). 

Myth no. 2 - Introvert can not sell 

In my first business deal, I was doing 100% sales and I had the turnover of several hundred thousand euros a year. Extrovert may be native to oral communication and can get very good sales results, but introverted often can perform in sales for the simple fact that it has a purpose in that communication (and is not lost in detail). Also, effective selling is more a procedure and a science than a simple conversation, and introverts attach greater importance to these processes and ultimate goal.

 Myth no. 3 - Introvert can not do networking (so it can not bind strong partnerships)

 Extroverted often focuses on quantity and, indeed, in the first phase it can have a connection-level advantage that it can do. Introvert emphasizes quality and keeps in mind details that an extrovert often loses sight of, which is why it can be at least as effective here. 

Myth no. 4 - Introvert avoid group meetings and brainstorming processes 

Extrovertists can fall into the trap of prolonging the sessions for the sake of interaction, forgetting the actual purpose of the session. As long as there is a purpose for that meeting, the introvert can take the most out of a meeting. 

Myth no. 5 - Introvert can not be a good entrepreneur / manager

 Despite the majority, there is no "standard" contractor pattern. If I have 1000 people in front of each other, each of them can be an entrepreneur building the business around their own personality. Regarding how to see the business, the introvert has the advantage that it can translate into the "observer" of the business quite easily and can intervene where it is needed. Also, the introvert is more inclined to give freedom to proactive employees, who come with their own solutions and ways of action, while the extroverted tends to "interfere" too much with enthusiasm.

Myth no. 6 - the introvert can not be a good speaker (speaker in public)

 We speak of different types of speakers. Extrovert may be more natural on topics he does not master, but the introvert needs a longer "preparation" and can become an excellent speaker on topics he specializes in. The only condition is not to copy successful models that do not match you (or if you do it, make it known) 

 What should an introvert focus be?

 1. Be authentic in what you are and how you feel! Just as extroverts need a little chaos and laughter in their lives, introverts need calm and balance. The problem occurs when the introvert does not feel comfortable with who he is in society and begins to wear masks (which is between us, terribly weary). Play a "role" for purely "defensive" purposes in order to cope with the situation. This comes from an extroverted culture of how you should behave in various social situations. In reality you do not have to act in any way. As long as your attitude says: that's how I am, and I'm comfortable with it, people will appreciate you and accept who you are. I, personally, and now lead a mask fight in society, but this simple awareness helps me put them aside and be "human" in relationships with others and with me, but also to feel good in my skin, without getting over my head.

2. Learn to juggle with the "comfort zone" 

The comfort zone, in this case, means familiar places, familiar experiences and familiar people. An introvert needs a relatively small exposure to atypical situations, to draw the lessons he needs and to feel he truly "lives". The problem occurs when you do not know how to manage this "comfort zone": when you do not come out of it for a long time (and in this way you refuse evolution) when, willing to be accepted by others, stay too far out of your comfort zone (and you no longer connect to who you are, quiet and calm - and energy batteries are continually low) What is the "measure" of every "familiar" / "unfamiliar" experience? From my point of view, any excess is toxic, so I recommend those who tend to "exaggerate" in one direction or another, to resort to 70/30 principle: 70% of the time to behave "native" (extroverts - in "silence" and introverts - in "silence") and in the remaining 30% of time to "expeditions in the other reality (extroverts - in" silence "and introverts - in" laughing "). Let's not forget that everyone is different and it's his duty to discover who he is and what works for him, beyond the formulas that appear in the literature about how to behave. After all, what are I different from those who criticize you and tell you what to do if I tell you that this is the "way"? Test yourself, discover yourself and build your own reality with which to feel comfortable.

 3. Learn to act with "purpose" (or goals)

Introverts are natural when they have a purpose in what they do (starting with an action they take, and a conversation they carry). As long as they have a purpose in mind, then they are "in the direction," when the goal disappears, they become lost and do not know what they are looking for in that place. This is where many myths come in: intruders do not like talking, for example. It is totally wrong, if you catch an introvert on a subject that he masters or has a purpose in that conversation (his or his common with the interlocutors), then you can not get rid of him. He does not understand the importance of the "easy" conversation without purpose: it disfluses and often demoralizes. But this reflects, I repeat, in everything an introvert is doing. Extroverts work harder on "goals," because they are attracted to other subjects and lose sight of the ultimate goal. Introverts become unbeatable when they understand how they work, but also how to relate to "purpose," what they want, how to define an objective, how to get into a flow, etc. 

4. Learn to plan 

If the extrovert feels good acting, because dopamine "works" for an introvert - the action itself is a moment of great importance. Why? Because it can not be very much on this "territory" of dopamine, to which it is sensitive.

That is why an introvert should spend more time planning an action than executing it. In this way, you will feel comfortable with what you are going to do and, most of the time, will make that action irreproachable. Extroverts "act" quantitatively, "quality" introverts - and often the result is the same. How to get there is different, that's all. Also, the introvert, after an action, needs to process what has happened. If he jumps in another action immediately, he risks not being able to process the "lesson", lose the "thread" and have to realign what he does. 

5. Give importance to the role of "observer" 

It also relates to planning capacity. Extroverts are very good "actors" to the point where they are confused with the role. Introverts, having the process of introspection in the blood, have a much better overall view. They are better sensors on what is happening, because they are detached from what is happening. In this way they have better control over the processes and can work "on them". When you're in a role, you can not see the play you play. When you are an observer, see the song as a whole and you can "direct" it much better. 

6. BE SURE that you are normal and that you have supernatural powers

The biggest problem with introverts is that they have heard over the course of their lives many critics about how they should be and behave. So much to begin to believe defects, inadvertently - but also to do their best to behave as they are said to be normal. Introversia is confused with a psychic affection or a negative characteristic of a person's personality. Here I give you a very simple example of how the media deal with different situations: In the case of a criminal, most of the time, if he has an introverted thread, you will hear this explicitly: "He was a withdrawn, less communicative, introverted person." This leads to the idea that the root of the "problem" itself is the introversion. However, in the case of an extrovert criminals, you will never hear this explicitly. Most of the time you will hear that person is "an antisocial, aggressive person with a tumultuous past and many scandals at work." You will never hear that you are guilty of "extroversion".

And the examples can continue. In my coach experience, I have often met parents who were worried that their child was "introverted". I was horrified when I heard the reply "we can fix it if we focus on it" in the same phrase with that term. I have not heard parents complaining about having an extrovert child, but I have rather felt proud of them. While in introversion I felt worry, guilt or some shame. If you, as a man, are not successful with women and you are introverted, then you will be explicitly told that you are too introverted and that is the problem. 

If you are extrovert - other terms will be used: superficial, badaran, tiring, etc. What I'm trying to say - society pushes us, introverts, not to feel good in our skin. Let us feel guilty about who we are and "cure" our behavior. In reality - we need intruders at least as much as extroverts. A simple awareness of the fact that introversion is not a disorder, but on the contrary it hides some "gems" behind you, if you are willing to find them, it helps you a lot. 

So much about introversion, I know it was a long story, but my goal was to realize that we are different and that we have a "civic" duty to accept as we are, without trying to change those around us just because it does not "comply" with a standard. I'm curious about your opinion and your experiences, if you also have people who tell you who you are and how to behave.

Dearfully,

Adrian

PS: Do not forget to give a share at the end of the article. If you have an introverted friend, send this article to you. There's a chance to help him a lot. 

PPS: Give me a comment and tell me your "introvert" experience (if you're one). Or just tell me what you think, regardless of the category you are in (if you are)