Hashtag Self-Care
Sometimes, self-care is doing the comforting thing.
But most often, self-care is doing the hard thing.
It's ok to get your nails done. But what you don't see on Instagram is that you're not going to call him because hashtag self-care.
You're going to cry yourself to sleep without showing up where you know he is, because hashtag self-care. You're going to hear him say he's sorry and you're going to ask "for what?" and he will say "for everything" and you'll say that's not good enough, because you know the words are there but the change isn't, and hashtag self-care.
You're going to see pictures of him or hear the thing he said about you. You're going to watch the half-assed gesture he makes to get your attention or read the Facebook post he makes that you know is about you and uses language only the two of you share. And you're not going to confront him because you know it's not about you and your hashtag self-care.
You're going to sit down with a therapist and actually talk to them. You're going to seek advice from people you really trust, not just people who tell you what you want to hear. You're going to journal til your hand cramps and ALL of that is going to be hard and feel awful and exhausting at the time but you'll know it's your hashtag self-care and that your hashtag self-care isn't about numbing the pain of how you feel right now.
You're going to throw yourself into your ambitions and know that in the back of your mind you wish he was alongside you, or encouraging you, or there to come home to, and cry in the bathtub sometimes but not let the void you feel, slow you down or dampen who you want to be or what you want to do. Because hashtag self-care.
You're going to see a billboard with his name on it or something you know he would think was funny and you're not going to text it to him. Even though you want to. Even though you miss him. Even though you know he would respond and ask how you're doing and you're sure it would open the door to talking again. Because hashtag self-care.
You're going to spend time with your friends and his name is going to fall out of your mouth more than you want it to and you're going to feel ashamed of it. But you're also going to start asking yourself what you really want out of life. You're going to start making decisions that only concern you and not what he would want. You're going to start and finish a project one day and realize you didn't stop at any time to wonder if he would approve or think it's stupid. You're going to have something needing fixing and instead of asking him for help you're going to Google it yourself and do it and feel accomplished instead of buying into the notion that you need him to do it.
You're going to take care of yourself and your shit and your life and your dreams, even though at times it feels lonely and empty and fruitless and frustrating because hashtag self-care and because your life is not a meme and you're not Zooey Deschanel's character in "New Girl" who is helplessly bumbling through life with a cute outfit and huge sad eyes. You're going to walk through bitterness but you're not going to stay there because hashtag self-care.
You're going to look at people differently and it's not going to matter as much if they're attractive or you have things in common or if they've got a compatible astrological sign, if they're also a piece of shit that you can't trust. You're going to trust when you see behaviors you don't like in others, and recognize patterns in yourself that you used to make and use those things to make decisions that affect your life. You're going to demand respect even if that means you don't get what you want. You're going to stare at your phone with your finger hovering over the call button and you're going to know that if you push it too soon you are going to derail all the progress you've made and waste all the pain you felt while you were growing to a better place. Hashtag: self-care.
You're going to leave places and situations and people that make you feel like you're not good enough or that being enough for them is dangling just out of your reach. You're going to dream big. You're going to realize that you're either living your dream or breaking yourself to help someone else live theirs. You're going to wake up one day and know that everything around you was your own doing with the help of people who genuinely believe in you, have your back, see good in you, know your worth and want you to win.