ORIGINAL POEM #32 - ABOUT JEALOUSY AND HEALING CHILDHOOD ABUSE

Soul work is something we all have to do over and over again and I have been dealing with some really deep inner stuff lately. Maybe other people are struggling with similar things and maybe reading this poem will help. I pray it does. Either way, enjoy :)

Will’s Going Away Party

Imma tell you the story of what happened in rhyme
At my brother’s friend’s parents’ cabin last night:
I drove Nelson’s car as he ran GPS
Won’t stay too long, we agreed that was best.
My hand on his thigh as we drove past a kitten
He said turn around and again I was smitten

We got to the fire and I froze with fear
I didn’t expect that girl Jill to be here
Nelson’s face shone as he walked up to her
I felt my heart sink and grabbed a beer from my girl
This night’s gonna stink said my head to my heart
Do you really feel threatened by that little tart
I was trying to smile, just need to unwind
There was no one to talk to and I wished they had wine

Nelson asked what I needed when he saw I was alone
My eyes burned into his and I said I want to go home!
Well I don’t, he said drunkly, I’m having fun
That’s it, I thought, I’m just about done
I took a blanket outside to sit by the fire
I smoked some more weed but I didn’t get higher

I crossed paths with Jill maybe three times
That girl won’t even dare look in my eyes
Every time I’ve met her it’s the same fucking thing
She looks right through me like I’m not even here
At my own freaking house she did it, drinking my beer
[everybody’s faceless when you’re Instagram famous]

Well we got home and really fought it out
He didn’t understand what I was so jealous about
I didn’t either but I hurt deep inside
I tried to explain but I really just cried
He yelled about my weeping and ruining his evening
And I felt even worse than I had been feeling
I taped an old ciggie so that I could smoke
He went to his room and my heart just about broke

We made up in the morning, still secretly pissed
Neither of us knowing what was triggering this

He left for work and I’m home by myself
I snorted some addy from the tray on my shelf
What’s going on I had to figure it out
What is all this deep aching about
It wasn’t his flirting that was bringing me down
It’s that he didn’t stand up for me with her around
I began to cry, that’s how I was feeling
I looked at my reflection, then up to the ceiling
I realized I have no self-defense mechanism
And that my childhood abuse had created a schism

Just trying to survive made personalities that arrive
In me like a prism
And I see it’s a prison
This pain I was given
My dad told me I was just a waste of space
What could I say, as a kid, to his face
I couldn’t speak up, take up for myself
Knowing the dangers that’d pose to my health
So I believed him, what else could I do
But now that I’m 30, it’s my time to choose
When mean stuck-up people try to treat me like shit
No more am I going to put up with it
I am not worthless, I say to the mirror
My eyes fill with tears but I can see clearer
I do what I can to add value to the world
As I affirmed me, my inner child uncurled
Still alone in my room I dropped to my knees
I cried out to myself to deliver me please

My life has value, that can’t be denied
If someone says it doesn’t, if they even tried
They can go shove it, I will no longer hide
I can fill my heart up from the inside
And the little girl whose heart broke as she cried
She had worth too because at least she tried
And now I know it’s true because my daddy lied.

And if no one protects me, like my mom didn’t
I’ll do it myself, I’ll start any minute
[Cuz you don’t know more about me than me
If anyone knows about me, it’s me]
And I approve of this woman I have become
And I love this poem even though it’s not done
And now I’m worn out from all this processing
I hope no situation where I have to be best me
Comes at least until sometime next week
Cuz this emotional stuff is really hard work
But I’m thankful to Jill for being a jerk
Making my soul work
And my partner berserk
And clearing the murk
Next time you ignore me, which may be the case
I’ll call you a fat basic bitch to your face
Or maybe I will just give you a hug
And give us both second chances to grow up in love.

Make your day magic today because you can, my friend. As always, you can buy my book of (actually edited) poems Here
And if you dug the style of this poem, check out my first rap ever here and let me know what you think. Nelson says I need harder disses in it. Gotta work on that. :)

Blessings to you,
Amanda Freemanda