Ten years

Okay.

So ten years ago, my life changed. I was so full of anxiety, frustration, anger, you name it, it was there.

I was being accused of sleeping with a friend of mine. People were interfering in our lives. There was so much going on with respect to my oldest son, and his many trials and tribulations. There was arguments – not the same as they had been in the past. More serious ones now. There was also our youngest and our other daughter who were caught in the middle;. Not getting the attention they needed or deserved, because it was all on my son. His schooling, his appointments , his medication. Things in life were indeed suffering, and time was not being directed in the appropriate direction.

On that day, I remember it as if it were yesterday. I still remember coming back into town. I had a planned appointment to get a tribute tattoo for Heath Ledger, as he had just passed at the time.

I came in and stuff was said/done. My youngest was crying and all I wanted to do at the time was hold her, and tell her no matter what? Things will be okay. I just wanted to go to bed, and forget about everything.

Just before I came inside, I had spoken with a social worker who was in our lives. She had said “you guys are burning out too fast. Perhaps you need a break, to re-coup and think about where things will go. If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I agreed, and hung up the phone.

This is all I was thinking when I walked in the door that day. To see if we could take that break, re-coup and find ourselves. To determine if that’s what was needed, or that it should end.

I walked in, and retaliated against something which was said to me. In hindsight I think to myself (why the hell did i not just keep my mouth shut!) .. I should have just gone to bed and not said a word.

So from that point onwards, hurt came on top of hurt. Angry bitter resentful words were said back and forth. Both of us knew where to hit where it hurt, and did it. Years of arguments and fighting and court… my god, court… afterwords.

The hurt, the pain , the anger, the countless tears. All because I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. All because of the arguments, the fights, the disagreements, the hurt. The stupid hurt. The outside sources, the mistrust.

Of course I think about it (a-la Family Man!) if things would have been different. If things had worked out, if we had worked on ourselves and ignored all of the people who were trying to harm, not help.

Of course I think about how things may have been different. If we had still been together, if life would have been different. I realize though that by being alone this long, I know life is not going into that direction, that course, and that’s okay. I am totally okay with where life has headed. I mean this one really hurt. I had never personally loved like this before, and I’ll be honest IT REALLY hurt inside. Especially given what happened years later… and years later.

It’s okay though. I mean we all go through heartache in life. I also said some really stupid shit back, in retaliation of hurt. I was being hurt so I hurt back.

I mean I brought back one of the rings I still had from back then, and I had Kailani try it on. I couldn’t bring myself to put it on. Not because I don’t love the ring, and I miss wearing it ( I found some REALLY old pictures of me wearing that ring!) … I won’t put it on, because it brings back the memory of being accused of being so much … and I won’t put it on, because I’ll be accused of holding onto something which ended years ago. (that’s what pain does to you, it stick into your memory like a freaking nail!)..

So yeah, Of course I think about sometimes how things could have changed. But you know, I am content with where things are right now. Sure, in my old Scorpio romantic mind, I’d love a man who sang “Can’t get my eyes off of you” Ala Heath Ledger. I would LOVE that. The life we lived ten years ago is a complete polar opposite to how life is now. I am okay with this, and I have accepted that the above will not happen again.

Life has a way of playing odd games with you sometimes. And wow, ten years man?