Cheating. What's the Problem?

So it was freshman year of high school: I was taking a math exam and noticed that the two girls in front of me were exchanging whispers. I suppose it wouldn’t have bothered me had it been anyone else, but I was a competitive student and it just so happened that the two girls were the same two that were tied with me for top score of the class. So it bugged me. In the end, all three of us got perfect scores on that exam. Which bugged me even more. But eventually, I got over it.

But I’m not here to talk about the sort of cheating that earns you dirty looks from your classmates. The kind of cheating we ALL need to be more concerned with is the one that breaks hearts and twists minds; the type of cheating that you don’t simply “get over.”

What’s the problem?

So you’re a guy hanging out with your girlfriend’s group of friends. You’re having a good time and think they’re all really good company, but you can’t help but feel weirded out at how close she is with one of her guy friends – the one who just so happens to be her BEST friend. The light arm shoves that sting your insides, the inside jokes that leave you out of the loop, the goodbye hugs that always seem to last forever… Days later you both get into an argument over something and you find out that she goes to the same guy friend for advice. Is she technically cheating on you?

What about this: You’re a girl on a business trip out of state. You’re going to bed when you decide to check in on your boyfriend’s social media. That’s when you see that he was tagged in a photo with another girl, and find out that they had dinner together. Alone. Without even a single text in advance to let you know. He MUST have been cheating on you – right?

The truth is, there is no black-and-white definition of cheating. Your definition and your partner’s definition might be completely different. At this point you’re probably wondering “Then how the heck am I supposed to know when I’m being cheated on?” Simple. When you get into a serious relationship with someone, you need to set boundaries. And these boundaries have to be agreed upon by both you AND your partner. We’re not all mind-readers. If my girlfriend thinks it’s inappropriate for me to have coffee with an old friend just because my friend is a girl, she needs to let me know. I wouldn’t want her thinking there is anything “BREWING” between us. AM I RIGHT? 'Inserts strained chuckle'

…Moving on.

But other times, it’s pretty obvious. If you come home early after work to find your partner in bed with another person, you’re definitely being cheated on (unless, of course, you happen to be in a polygamous relationship, in which case you really shouldn’t be surprised). At this point, you and your partner need to BREAK UP.

…Just kidding. But this is where it gets complicated, though. What do you do when you find out you’ve been cheated on?

The single most important thing for you to do first is TAKE A BREATHER. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. This is all completely normal. But don’t try to address the problem right away. Take time to assess what happened and how you want to move forward. That is, do you end the relationship or do you try to sort things out? Whatever your decision, just be sure you’ve had time to think about it with a clear head. Abruptly ending a salvageable relationship or carelessly continuing a destructive romance is something you may be prone to do “in the moment.” In the same sense, don’t let your partner rush you into fixing the problem. You were the one cheated on – you get to call the shots now. It’s best to simply say “I’m not ready to deal with this right now. If you really care, you’ll give me time to think things over.”

During this time, you’re going to be asking yourself all sorts of questions. Should I have seen this coming? What could I have done to prevent this? Did anyone else know? But if there is one word that will pop into your head a million times over, it’s “Why?” You might wonder if you are the one to blame. Maybe you just aren’t as good-looking as the other person. Maybe you need to put more effort into the relationship. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so eager to share your old toenail collection with your partner (or anyone else, for that matter). Whatever the reason, you just have to know.

So you ask them. And they tell you that you just don’t give them as much attention as you used to. Or they say that you value your job more than your relationship. Mind you, these are not valid reasons to cheat (there is no actual valid reason for cheating), however it will help you understand where they are coming from. Be aware though that confrontations like these tend to trigger our natural fight-or-flight response – meaning you can expect the other person to either dodge your questions or defend their actions. Here’s an example:

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Just last year, my brother’s girlfriend confessed to having feelings for another guy. However, he was the one who had to broach the subject because his friends had been telling him that she had been spending a lot of alone time with some guy my brother didn’t even know. My brother trusted his girlfriend though, so when he asked about it, he had expected her to say that there was nothing going on between her and this other guy. But she couldn’t deny that she was clearly spending a LOT of time with this other guy, so she began to blame my brother. She said “You don’t give me the same amount of attention that you used to when we first started dating.” Fight or flight. They fought it out, she flew away, and he was left all alone. Until, of course, she came back weeks later when things didn’t work out with the other guy… But that’s another story I won’t go into.

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Anyway, you have to be ready for what your partner might throw at you. There are many different excuses they could use. But you also have to be prepared for the possibility that they might not have an excuse.

Sometimes, they just don’t understand how they ended up cheating. And that’s completely normal. You might try to force an actual answer out of them, but sooner or later you’ll find that they just don’t have one. Don’t press them for more. Just move forward.

After you’ve ironed out all important details, you’re ready to make a decision. Leave… or stay? If you choose to leave, that’s completely fine. Not only does your partner need to respect your decision, they need to respect themselves enough to let you end things so you can both move on.

But if you do choose to stay, you’ve got a long road ahead of you. Being cheated on can be a very traumatic experience. In fact, according to best-selling author and marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, “current research suggests that betrayed spouses exhibit symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is a major loss and as with most losses, betrayal is intensely disorienting and distressing.” As such, Weiner-Davis maintains that

“temporary insanity is the only sane response.”

But as with most betrayals, time heals. Memories of the details surrounding the infidelity and the pain of the discovery eventually fade away… but not completely. The cliché “forgive and forget” sounds good on paper, though I’d contest that the latter is unrealistic. We are a result of our experiences in life, and to throw away all memories of traumatic experiences is to throw away all the positive ways we’ve grown as a result of those traumas.

Sometimes, you may need some extra help getting over the betrayal. You will want to talk to someone; in fact, you SHOULD talk to someone when you feel like you’re lost in your grief.

You might want to run to your friends or family members to talk about the cheating. This is not advisable. Keep in mind that no matter how the relationship goes from there, anyone who knows about the infidelity will likely have a jaded view of your partner and might never fully approve of your relationship (not that you need anyone else’s approval to choose who you spend your life with, but it does make things a lot easier if your friends and family likes the person you’re with). Talk to a professional, or confide only in people you know will try their best to support the relationship.

Cheating isn't a one time "oops" moment. It's a serious psychological act that will likely continue to resurface in the relationship if it isn't properly taken care of. Whether that means being a lot more firm on boundaries, investing more time in the relationship, or simply installing a chip in your partner while they are sleeping to monitor their activity throughout the day, you have to be the one to take the initiative.

But ultimately, in order for your relationship to truly heal, you will need to forgive. Trust me, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. But it’s necessary for you both emotionally and physically. If you continue to hold onto the past, you will grow to resent your partner and make life a lot more miserable for not just the both of you, but anyone involved in the relationship. And I say this because a relationship is more than just a union between two individuals. People are a package deal and starting a serious relationship means getting to know your partner’s family and friends. So for the sake of everyone who would be affected, find it in your heart to forgive. And who knows? Maybe decades down the line your partner will love you all the more for everything you’ve done to save your relationship, toenails and all.