Returning Again with Gratitude
It may seem strange but at 45 years old, I don't know who I am. Is it me or can any of you out there relate to this? I would like to think that you could, but when I think of all the complexities of my internal dialogue, I begin to doubt this. What I mean is that after all this time living with myself, one would think that I would have some what of a clue as to who I am; and I do to an extent, but I can't help thinking that world is just so much faster than I am in this regard. As time goes on I feel more internally polarized than ever. Hell, I have gotten to the point where I can barely read a single paragraph anymore. I am shocked that I am still able to write anything at all. What the Hell...
So it's been 13 years since I started getting real with myself about my gender issues and for the most part I am still stuck. So since I have not been able to progress much in this regard I have decided to take another route and begin focusing on my spirituality. The problem is that I am not a normal person, I know that there is a pill for that! Maybe I am just really bored. Am I simply a product of the 21st century? With so many choices out there, why can't I just pick something and do it? For instance, my occupation is cleaning toilets. I mean don't get me wrong, I am actually very grateful for the opportunity to clean the toilet. I just thought at this point in my life, I would be doing something a little more ambitious. I live in a small apartment with two other people and I am truly grateful to have a roof over my head. I have a few friends, although it is very difficult for me to genuinely connect with anyone, but none the less, I am loosely developing a social support system that I can depend upon.
Finally I think that I am at a level where I can begin to expand myself spiritually and give it genuine effort. I want you all to know that this life is in some ways much harder than I had expected, but I think that after 45 years, I might just be beginning to make headway. Believe me when I say that the progress has been much slower than I ever anticipated.
I hope to continue this process of self reflection in future post.
Don't worry... most people haven't even got to the point of looking inward to even THINK about who they are! So you see, you are ahead of them.
Then there is the fact that we tend to change as we grow older and supposedly wiser, so even if you managed to figure out who you once were, you are probably someone else now! Talk about complicated! We are indeed complicated creatures.
Try not to over-think things because destiny has a way of guiding us to where we should be. Everyone has a different path to follow, so don't compare yours to anyone else's; especially since what you see on the outside of others may not necessarily be what they are experiencing on the inside.
It's a wondrous life, so enjoy the journey.
Thank you so much for responding, you have made my day!
My pleasure. I enjoy issues of the mind.