Letter to an Idol- Sir Mix-A-Lot
Sir Mix-A-Lot in Concert at The Rose Festival, Portland, OR June 2, 2017
I threw around the idea of writing letters to my childhood idols. I wanted to tell them how over the years, looking back, they just weren't ANYTHING of what I thought they were. These idols would consist of music and TV idols, no one that played any type of part in social change.
These writings are meant to be entirely satirical. These aren't meant to be taken seriously, so calm yourself if you start to feel on the offense regarding my words. Although I may end up offending some, I'm sure many more will actually agree and take pleasure in reading my open letters to these idols.
Here is the original idea that I posted some time ago on Steemit:
https://steemit.com/entertainment/@beemillz/new-writing-idea-love-letters-to-my-childhood-idols
Dear Sir Mix-a-Lot,
I have decided to write letters to all of my childhood Heroes growing up in the hood, people that helped shape and mold my life. I bet you feel lucky and honored that you were one of them, feeling proud that I was one of the many that knew every single word to Baby Got Back. Not just the hits though, knowing all your songs, Posse's on Broadway, and others.
I don't remember the exact year that you became one of my idols, just that I was in elementary school and forced to attend a community camp during the summer at Fleischmann Park. My parents were already divorced at the time so I had to be older than 8 years old. I remember 8 specifically because Imy father gave my mother an eight ball from a pool table in order to represent there eight year anniversary. How romantic, isn't it?
The park completely sucked. I have horrid memories of being forced to play Red Rover outside in 90 degree heat during the Florida summers. The fields that we would play on always smelled like manure. The only upside to going to this summer camp against my will was that there was an end-of-the-year talent show, but in all fairness I didn't even know that was going to be an upside, or that I was going to be introduced to you.
As I sat Indian style in the crowd of the Rec Hall watching other kids my age do dumb dance routines and lip-syncing to horrible 90s era songs, I was happy at the mere thought that I didn't have to go outside to deal with the harsh weather and stench of manure that would creep into your nose and never go away. That's when I heard it, the intro to your song, "Oh my god Becky..."
The high school camp counselors had put on a whole dance routine to your song, Baby Got Back. I could not believe the song that I was hearing, feeling the beats and rhythm creep up into my little body, forcing me to wiggle and jiggle in ways that were shocking the people sitting around me. I didn't even know that I had that ability inside me, to move my body in ways that were making the camp counselors blush as a grammar school student.
Of course your song was wildly popular and continued to be over the next 20 years of my life. It became the standard song that was played at every prom that I attended, homecoming dance, and started to become a beloved karaoke song. I felt this connection with you that I felt that no one else had, because you were in fact, one of my Idols growing up. Your song brought me to a different world where it didn't matter that where I lived sucked and that the position that I was put into as a child completely blowed.
Going into my early twenties, VH1 hosted a TV special that included a series called "I Love the 90s". You were a regular on it, as you should have been. I looked forward to hearing your thoughts on the 90s, also growing up along with me, under the impression that you lived this fantastic life as a ladie's man and thug, features that I sadly admired. In all fairness, I didn't know where you were from, and could never imagine that you were from Seattle. I also didn't know how incredibly white and boring a Seattle was, just that Nirvana came from there, and Kurt Cobain was rock star as fuck.
At 32 years old I made a huge decision to move from Orlando, Florida out to Portland, Oregon. I knew I just needed to get out of Florida, and I did not care where. One of my best girlfriends was from New York City, and knew that I could never afford to live there as a social worker, so she suggested Portland. I had never been there, hell, I didn't know a damn thing about it. I packed up my shit and moved no questions asked, not knowing a single person or a fucking thing about this place. I quickly learned that this was definitely the whitest place on Earth, with zero culture. The white people here like to use the word existential way too much, and talked about books and being vegan like they were the second coming of fucking Christ. I found a place that was beautiful to see, but the people were complete tools, douche nozzles, and not my type of people. Where are the hood rats? Who the fuck knows.
My birthday is in June, and you were happening to have a concert on my birthday at the Rose Festival. I was so excited that you were going to be there. I was even more excited that maybe I would meet my people, come across others that indulged in my type of lifestyle and understood who I was and where was coming from, that weren't as judgmental as the rest of the Portland fuck boys and girls. My idol was coming to save me and bring us together. The first welcoming note that I felt since I had been in this city.
As the concert starts to tick down to the last hour before you hit the stage, white people poor in by the loads. And more white people. And more white people. And did I say more white people? You came out on the stage and they all started to jump up and down like they were at a show that was being put on by a bad rock station accompanied by weird kids wearing Slipknot shirts. Why in the fuck are they just jumping up and down to rap music? I stood there amazed, embarrassed, and disgusted by this concert I was at. You had officially turned into a pussy in my eyes. Finally it came to the grand finale of Baby Got Back. You were generous enough to only do about five words of the song, putting the microphone out to the crowd. I had to listen to hundreds of white people fuck up your lyrics. Thanks a lot for that.
Sincerely,
Your most embarrassed fan