OkCupid Messages Women are Tired of Receiving

Online dating used to just be for depressed, basement-dwelling weirdos who were too awkward to talk to humans in the surface world. It was great. Now everyone's using it and it blows.

Most guys I talk to say they rarely get responses on apps and sites like OkCupid. That sucks, because they're really great guys. Why are these stuck-up women willfully ignoring their heartfelt inquiries? Not all of us can look like Abercrombie models!!

Well, they're not necessarily ignoring you because you're not a bronze god. They're probably ignoring you for the same reason you stopped checking your first email account - the spam has taken over.

Let's look at a typical inbox, and you'll see why your lovely messages are getting buried under mountains of stupid.

---

The Digital Catcall
I get a lot of "hey sexii" or "ur gorgeous" or "u have a great ass." Compliments are great, but these aren't compliments - a compliment makes someone feel good, and starts a conversation. These make me feel like you're typing with your boner, and they go nowhere. If you want a lady's attention, you're going to have to open with something she doesn't hear when she walks past a construction site.

The Ctrl+V
"Hi there! I'm new to the area and I'm trying to meet new people. You seem really interesting! Let's chat :)"

This is a bot message. Do not send this to girls if you are not a bot. The smart ones will assume you are a bot. Also, I don't have much interest in a guy if it's clear that he's sent the same message to every girl in his match list.

The Cover Letter
"Hi I'm Grant, I have a steady job and my own car. I have a 2-bedroom apartment that I pay for myself."
Honey we're all very proud, but what are YOU like? If you searched for something unique about yourself to say and this is what you came up with, you need to go try some drugs.

The Druglord
"Hey I've got some molly I'm testing I'll give you some for a hj or $10"
It seems like tons of people have this business model where they exclusively market narcotics via dating sites. I guess there are fewer cops watching? I don't know. What happened to the good old days of just having people order "special sauce" from that one off-brand pizza place?

The SAT Vocab List
"I habitually notice people who are fellow polymaths like me. You've intrigued and piqued my interest, but I ponder, are your other idiosyncrasies as tantalizing?"

Everybody has that friend who will always sub a 4-syllable word for a 1-syllable word just to see if you can keep up. If you are this friend, take note: People don't roll their eyes because they're impressed with your verbosity. They roll their eyes because you sound like a fucking prick.

The Cry for Help
"Hi I'm Steven I just got out of a really long relationship cause it turned out she was a bitch. She completely ruined my life and now I'm all alone and I feel so hollow. Why are women horrible to me? You are so beautiful, I could really see our kids being very healthy. I need someone amazing and kind like you to..."

This man doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a counselor. Taking care of a stranger's mental breakdown is not my responsibility. I send my thoughts and prayers and then I swipe left HARD.

The Shameless Proposition
"Hey I'm in town for one night wanna come over and try the hot tub at my airbnb? ;)"
Sometimes you just wanna bone. I get that. Sometimes I just wanna bone. Plenty of people use online dating apps just to find hookups, and that's great - by all means be a sexually liberated free-spirit love junkie if that's what makes you happy. But blasting your dick pics indiscriminately to everyone in the state isn't a good use of your time or mine. Get a Tinder.

Motorcycle Seeking Woman
Put up a damn picture of yourself. I don't want to go out with your car, or your bike, or your dog, or your weed. If you spent your whole summer restoring that Impala, that's awesome, put that picture up, but your main picture should be of your face. It's a dating app. It's not a crime to want to see if you might be physically attracted to someone.

The Message That's So Incoherent I'm Worried I'm Having a Stroke and Just Can't Read Anymore
"Heu bby ur liek soo omg Hey?? Very gorgusss! :X"
Usually when I get these I go to their profile and one of two things happen. 30% of the time it's "Oh ok he's relatively new to English. Good job learning things Stefan!" 70% of the time it's "Jesus Christ he grew up in America and has made it into engineering school."
I get it. He's drunk. But I've been drunk plenty, and this has never happened to my brain. Am I doing it wrong?

The "Mature Man"
Look Dad, I understand that for some people, age is just a number. Not for me. In fact, there is a handy indicator on my profile that will tell you whether I'm into older guys. Mine says 21-31. That's not 21+31. If you're 50 and trying to go out with a college junior, "mature" is not how I'd describe you.

The Double Message
5pm: "Hey how are you?"
6:30pm: "Wow no reply huh? :("
Never do this. Oh my god never do this. Tell your friends and family never to do this.
Let me explain: I might have been about to reply. I might have just been busy, or thinking of what to say back. Or maybe I just wasn't interested and didn't feel like replying "sorry not interested" because that's fucking rude. Either way, what you're doing is trying to guilt me into replying to you - if that worked, you'd ALREADY be in an unhealthy relationship.

Just "hi"
This isn't annoying or wrong in any way. It's just not interesting. It's a perfectly good way to start a conversation if you're in an elevator with a pretty girl. But we're not in an elevator, we're in the inbox of a straight female in her 20s on the Internet - picture saying "hi" to a woman while 20 other guys are also trying to get her attention/number/tittypics/bank info.

Ask if she saw the latest episode of that show you both like. Ask if she's so excited for the typography convention this weekend. Ask if she wants to get brunch and play Risk. Tell her a crazy fact about owls. Be memorable, and if that means you risk sounding weird, even better! Who wants to talk to someone who's not a little weird?

---

Keep trying, guys. Everybody deserves to be loved, and that includes you. (Sorry for the hippie bullshit but it's true). Just be patient, and understand that if a girl ignores you online, it's not personal.