Kids? Wait, what?

I know. People ask questions. Hmm, single mother to five kids. What the fuck? Where did she get those kids? What, she has a 24 year old, did she adopt? It’s her exes, I know it. Where’s the father? Wheres the father of her daughter? Where’s her sons’ father. Wait, she had 5 kids with three men? How are you not classified a slut? What happened? Why is she not married? Why is she alone.

Holy-fucking-shit.

First, I don’t wish to discuss my past lives. I mean… when I went through that storage unit, it was a huge reminder, of a life which isn’t mine anymore. All the pictures, all the anger, the hate, the words, the WASTE of paper, the WASTE of time in four judges walls…

Second… why in the world would I want to answer “Where is so and so’s father”… Is it any of your business? I mean my kids have 3 fathers. 3 sons with one man – who I was with for 8 years and one month… So it’s not like it happened ALL at once. My daughter? I am sure even though the anger and hurt, he loves her. (I hope?) … my youngest daughter has a father who hasn’t left her side in many years… So what the hell is it to you?

Third.. Yes, I have 5 kids with 3 men. So what? One wasn’t something we thought would end…as Eminem said “not bad people, just bad together…” When I had Darryn, I didn’t think I was going to have anymore kids. She came along, and was predicted. My sister predicted her thru tarot cards..and I told her she was lying. Hahah. No, to be honest I didn’t have the greatest of experiences having her. The hurt, the trama, her trying to come early three freaking times, the anger, the horrible words said back and forth… People who were there when she was born ended up hurting her.. Like it could go on and on. But I have her, I gave her a name. Enough said. My youngest? Well we were together,and we thought it wouldn’t end. Personally looking back on that aspect of my life… I was silly to think it would last forever. It was the worst time in both of our lives to be in a relationship, let alone bring a child into this world. We were polar fucking opposites… and I think that’s why when we clashed, we clashed hard. I loved him with all of my being, but in the end I was the larger asshole. I was the one who instigated a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, and it was just too much for each other. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done and said what I did. It happened, it’s in the past. (PS, today I came across the old engagement card… and all of the fucking memories came back. Good ones of course. I hate this, I don’t want times and days coming back to me hardcore, wanting me to feel sorry for myself. for being so fucking stupid, and hurting someone who didn’t deserve it. Fuck…why did I bring that card here?!?!)… Fuck.

Anywho.. those who say “Well why aren’t you married yet? You’re fucking fourty years old, why aren’t you settled down and married and with SO AND SO…” Well, here’s the kicker. I kind of need a partner who’s willing to accept all of the shit, all of the kids, all of the issues, all of the people in my life…and accept me for who I am, and don’t expect to change me… all of my ink, my colored hair, my piercings…and again, acceptance.. I would have to have someone who would love all of us. I haven’t found that in ten years and honestly? What’s the point? :L I got close once, and only once…and well, I shit on that didn’t I? … LOL. Nah, I mean I used to want the fairy tale…but each time I had a unicorn horn slip and go right up my ass, I just can’t pull myself through it anymore… I mean, who the hell would love this Stitch gal? 😛

I don’t know. I am so used to being alone now.. I don’t know if I could do this again. I mean no more kids, that’s for sure. Meh.

Why am I alone? I fucked something up big time.. and ya know, it is what it is.

PLEASE don’t think I am writing this pineing and not over the past. This is just shit people ask me constantly..

Oh… for those who didn’t know – I’m not married because I just can’t find the partner or the fucking time. LOL.

Miss independent, yup that’s me.

I just want people who have come and gone out of our lives, to not hurt anymore. To think of our faults and arguments, insults and anger…to think of how to move on with life.