Journal #1 Enter my mind.
Here we go again. Pissing my thoughts away to a computer. I shame it but it still works as an outlet. I don’t hang out with anyone and I don’t go anywhere so this is next best thing right? Sometimes I feel so trapped within my head, and i feel so trapped in this house. Its suffocating.
I get over it, but it takes a lot of mental stabilization. A lot of centering oneself. And if we’re being even more honest, it’s pain I self inflict on myself. I could go out and get a drink, but I don’t do it. Why? I wish i knew. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of rejection? I’m afraid I’ll just be sitting there with no one to talk to, and just end up going home alone, laughing at myself wondering why I even tried. If I do go to a bar or some social gathering, which I do want to, it’ll have to be with a friend. Going alone seems so weird and creepy haha. I also REALLY don’t want to put myself through what I just described haha. I don’t know. Sometimes, most of the times, I just need to take a breather and realize the bigger picture. I need to get my schooling done. That’s all. If I don’t get it done within the next year, I’m done. I’m going to leave. I have to. If I want to do that, I’ll need to keep in contact with my friends in Oklahoma, and stay in contact with Hope in Oregon. I need to have connections. I also need to keep writing like this. At least once a day. I already feel better just putting my thoughts onto paper. Also, my typing speed will only get a lot better and faster, so why not. Which will DEFINITELY help with my writing assignments in college. Just need to take baby steps. One SURE step at a time. On Monday I’ll go to STC. Hopefully with mom, and get registered. One class for the summer. I don’t know, maybe two. It’ll keep me occupied, that’s for sure. One or two classes for summer. Monday. Getting registered. I don’t want to keep doing this. Working every day, bullshitting myself every single day. I need to get things done. I’ll end it at that. I guess I’ll make my journal entries on here from now on. Been a pleasure on a beautiful and late Saturday night.
April 8th, 2018
i do that all the time ... i have about three G+ accounts which i closed or lost access to that started as nothing but that, no followers, no nothing, just ranting in the void, a ventilation shaft ... if you think about it its what most people on the 'major' social networks do all the time, it doesn't even matter if anyone actually reads, let alone understands it. The illusion of being heard can be something over nothing already, having 5000 fb friends you never talk to helps a little reinforcing that i think but i havent really made a case on anything, definitely not on fudbook-psychology lol .. i tend to delete my posts after a while though, specially on fudbook since basically first of all no one really cares, its just ocd-like and second who the hell reads last months newspaper, webz-add would have people having trouble scrolling down two pages, but i feel it stops my head from exploding when it gets too full, the cork pops out and the words keep coming
i think way too many people here are stuck on trying to please , figuring out what seems to get most votes and then trying to imitate that but as far as i can see the ones who get away with it are the ones who are real so its probably best to just be you and go at it from the soul, take it as a network with a bonus, not as a get wadso'cash while sleeping cos thats gonna end up in frustration. money makes money, thats no different on steemit, otherwise it's perserverance lol, via dolorosa or you can just simply be you and let it roll
then again, i wouldnt wanna tell anyone how to do it, i dont think i downvoted even once in five months despite being stalked from the start for a few by some obese fish who though my content wasnt "steemit", but i persevered lol, rep down to 12 and all that , up to 35 back down , im finally rising a little, if i had taken this too seriously i would have quit probably
anyway, good luck, in anything you try, try to do what you want to and you might find things go twice as fast (thats my fortune cookie mode -)
me : https://steemit.com/rudyardcatling/@rudyardcatling/signature-post-201804
hasta la proxima
Can't thank you enough for your honest reply. I 100% see what you mean by the "trying to please" thing as I couldn't imagine being anyone else other than myself, so consider it noted.
Thanks for the warm welcome, my friend. Wisdom for the ages!
for the ages :p , makes me feel old ... that's good, cos i'm ancient ;)) ... i see you got a badge ... i replied once id rather have some sp but i dont think they do that ... remember, failure is for those who keep trying, not for those who give up
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