CHUCK NORRIS

-Due to his deep respect for the genre, Chuck Norris has never recorded a hardcore gansta rap album, because if he ever did record one, all the other rappers would look so soft by comparison.

-50 Cent was shot nine times and survived. 50 Cent has been round-house kicked by Chuck Norris exactly zero times, and that is the only reason he survives.

-Chuck Norris loves New York. Why else would it still be around?

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

once, chuck norris defeated 3 ninjas, 9 pro wrestlers, and 11 green berets….

all while having sex with 3 women
Audacious gold chains - $300,000 Solid gold frohawk(r) comb - $11,000 Menacing steel toe capped stomping boots - $175 The look on Chuck Norris’ face when he gets pitied by Mr. T : Priceless

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in God, but God believes in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has never? wears condoms, EVER, because there is NO such thing as protection from CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to ask for your opinion, he beats it out of you! The grim reaper doesn’t say when it’s time to die, Chuck Norris does!

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris

chuck norris once saw himself in the mirror. he quickly round house kicked it. when asked why chuck replied “there can only be one CHUCK NORRIS”

when Bruce Benner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk; when the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik’s cube and shit it out solved

If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken, but Chuck Norris says its beef than its freaking beef If at first you don’t succeed, than you’re obviously not Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn’t read, he stares at the pages until they tell him the information he needs

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who suck and Chuck Norris

MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can, indeed, touch this

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

God wrote the 20 comandments,but chuck norris told him tocut it down to 10

Chuck norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird!

Once while fighting Wolverine, Chuck lost a testical. It’s better known by it’s technical name. Jupiter

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? None. Chuck Norris just crunches them in between his ass cheeks

Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons a day for 2 years. He got 7 different cancers. He destroyed them all by using a Total Gym for 30 minutes. Take that, Lance

Chuck Norris lost his viriginty before his dad did.

Chuck Norris always kills n00bs that tell Chuck Norris jokes. Only Chuck Norris tells Chuck Norris jokes

in a galaxy far, far away, there is no force, but only chuck norris

Chuck Norris makes onions cry!

Love doesn’t hurt, Chuck Norris does.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

jesus can walk on water.

chuck norris can walk on jesus.

: -Chuck Norris does not wear deodorant. No one has had the courage to tell him to start using it.

-Chuck Norris knows what you did LAST summer.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The Great Wall Of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out

chuck norris went to the virgin islands now the’re just called the islands

Fact
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

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