I’m only Human

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to write. About 15 years ago, my innocence and light heart was glorious. I loved to express myself by writing. As time passed each year seemed to bring more pain, sacrifice and suffering. Slowly the innocent part of me was jaded and faded into an abyss. I wanted just to push the pain down. I stopped expressing and writing completely. I was afraid to open this Pandora’s box of pain, suffering and isolation. I just wanted it not to exist, so I ignored it as best I could. It’s intense how I blocked these sad feelings, even now as I’m writing this, my eyes begin to water but I cannot allow myself to cry. I feel weak and vulnerable when I cry, a voice in my head always says not now, as beads of tears stream down my cheeks, I fan my eyes to dry the tears and sometimes when it gets too intense to control I repeat out loud Not Now!!! This has worked for me for so long I can’t remember any other way to deal with this sadness. Although today a ray of hope has shed a light on my consciousness, a realization that I can write again. I can express my deepest most hidden parts of myself, through expression I can release my pain, I can handle opening this box of painful thoughts. I’m by nature an emotionally sensitive person hiding behind a persona of strength, because feelings this intense can be overwhelming. My goal is to open up to allow my real self to break free from the prison of my ideal self. I have always been a people pleaser, if there is something I can do to help I will, I’m genuinely happy for others when the are successful, happy or in love, although I neglect myself by self judgement and sabotage. It’s strange how I allow myself to suffer, for example I truly want to find a life partner to share my life and to share sweet simple memories together while we grow old. I grew up in a single parent home with my mother and now I’m a single parent. A great deal of my suffering came from trying so hard to stay in dysfunctional relationships to keep the family together. My dream as young as I can remember was always to create a solid family support environment for my children, to ultimately give them what I never experienced growing up. Unfortunately I feel a huge amount of guilt for I haven’t been able to provide them the security and support of a two parent family. The saddest part about this is that it could still be possible if I could allow myself to believe it is. I stopped searching, I blocked all relationships that had the potential to be great. My heart was surrounded by a Huge fortress, no one could penetrate, I was stuck behind a fortress of fear. At this moment of reflection, I cannot continue to remain frozen unable to open up to the possibilities of happiness, fear cannot rule, Love trumps fear. Out of Love I write, this new found commitment to continue to write keeps me evaluating my old ways that no longer serve me justice. This expression of self has allowed a crack to form in the fortress surrounding my heart, the reason I know this is because I can feel a ray of light seeping in. I’m thankful for today I’m grateful for the power of writing self evaluation and self forgiveness.