Steemit, eh?

By now you've probably realised you ain't getting a single rusty penny by posting stuff you think about on here. Nope. The ONLY way you're getting noticed is if you have a business plan, caffeine for blood, and the kind of ambition that makes WOLVES chase their prey hundreds of miles across Arctic tundra.

Original content? Literary talent? Fuck off. Life isn't a charity. This is cold, and it is hard, and if you want to escape the downward spiral of entropic decay, you need money.

What is CRYPTOBASTARD?

CRYPTOBASTARD is an online cryptocurrency publication based on Steemit, but more than that, CRYPTOBASTARD is a crusade. You're already a member.

CRYPTOBASTARD is the TRUTH of the WORLD.

You see all those slaves driving their shitty rounded Futurama cars up and down all day? Listen up: we could have had electric cars seventy years ago. 95% of jobs in modern society DON'T NEED HUMANS. McDonalds doesn't need teenagers to operate the tills — 15% of the US population are literally TOO STUPID to join the army. Yes, that's right, some 40-50 million people are too stupid to stand in the desert and be shot; they'd fuck it up.

Whoa, I'm not comfortable with that

War has always been the definitive mediator of social change. CRYPTOBASTARD refuses to deny this. Our goal is to help users earn serious SBD either through

• Posting original and interesting content about the neverending insanity of this cryptobukkake feedback loop,

OR

• Crushing anything and everything they perceive to be a threat to their survival/success, and crowing about it without fucking something up and ruining our collective elitist glow.

Do I need to be a psychopath, though?

No, this is not essential.

But it would help a lot, would it?

Look, you need to understand what's happening. The World doesn't need you. The people telling you to vote, pay your taxes, follow the rules and keep away from wonderful and interesting drugs which will expand your intellect and consciousness — it's their feet pushing your nose below the waterline.

They're the ones collecting the taxes, writing the rules and deciding who gets the good drugs?

Yep. The reason they make such a big fucking deal about drugs is not because your well-being is important to a bunch of total strangers who by every conceivable metric benefit from you living a life of interminable slavery and homeostatically-engineered ill-health described using impenetrable medical jargon and deferred through euphemism. They make a big deal about drugs because it keeps the word itself taboo. Ooga tabooga.

You're essentially a biological computer, and "drugs" are the software programmes in a world of self-writing language.

Fuck, I never thought about it like that

Yeah, well, that's school for you. Life is the most amazing, incredible, wonderful thing — fuck, it's the ONLY thing, and they've got most people sitting in front of TV screens. I swear, man, you've got to turn off a few lights to watch it.

WHEN DISEASE IS PROFITABLE, FEAR THE SANE

Ah, fuck it, I haven't got time to cover all the shit I need to right now. We'll be publishing some videos explaining some of this, and I don't mean any of that standard conspiracy theory garbage about secret societies and hidden histories — it's a bell curve. Find out where you are on it and sort your shit out. That's for later, though. Right now, you need to know what a mouthful of blood feels like.

Warm?

Like liquid victory.

Goals of the platform

CRYPTOBASTARD has 3 goals:

1. Encourage Steemit users to escalate interest in non-physical decentralised currencies

2. Help you stop trying to contain yourself

3. Become a respected source of high-quality information blah blah we only have two goals actually, I'll edit this out later

Submission guidelines

Expectations for contributing writers are as follows:

-----GUIDELINES FOR ARTICLES

• Articles should be as long as you fucking like
• You pro-bono, bro?
• Articles should be at least loosely about cryptocurrency, even if all you're doing is tentatively attaching some kind of rationalisation to your need for status
• Articles should contain at least one detailed and enthusiastic description of how it feels to kill

-------ALL WRITERS MUST JOIN A CURATION TRAIL OR FANBASE — OR NOT, UP TO YOU REALLY

Money and sex are the same thing

The World is dying. Such a statement, though unpalatable, withstands all scrutiny. We could talk about the death of the last male White rhino, or the near-total bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef, or Fukushima, or how ours will be the last generation to witness wild butterflies carving chaodirectional applause into the GMO wind of Planet Dumping Ground, but that isn't the point. In fact, there isn't one. There's no point.

Most people won't listen.

All economic activity is founded in the capacity of the living environment to regulate and sustain the conditions necessary for all life, not just human life, and we're locked into one gigantic positive feedback loop as the paradigm of Infinite Growth approaches the same peak resonance of the crystal glass, a second before it shatters.

CRYPTOBASTARD wants to know:

• How high will be the number next to your name as a wall of fire rolls towards your mansion like a billowing pyroclastic tsunami?
• What does it feel like to drench a swan with kerosene?
• How often do you wake up soaked through to the skin, mechanically clutching at tightly-wadded rolls of bank notes, thick and wood-hard, and remain that way for hours simply absorbing the reality that this is something you must at all costs make real, or else die?

Good luck. Thank you for reading.