"The Struggles of a Wallflower" Part 1. From an innocent child to a wandering young adult

It’s been so long ago since I was truly alive. The world around me was once so fascinating and divine, like a song about mystery, magic and ocean tides crashing against the rocks. The world was big, bigger than me and I looked up at it with such large starry eyes, completely speechless at all the wonders before me. I desired nothing. I was happy with the moment, the present breath and the continuous flow of rivers and wind through the trees. Songbirds, butterflies, swarms of insects in the sunlight. Wildflowers, falling leaves and gentle hums of bees kept me entertained and spinning around in circles with laughter filled up to the brim of my being. I was complete.

Looking back, I wouldn’t have wished for any other childhood. It was perfect and it was meant for me. My father was my knight in shining armor, and he taught me many things that I hold as treasures in my heart. To be one with nature, to love and care for animals and to always be seeking the truth, were just a few lessons he guided me on, over the years. Righteousness, honor, and purity were some of the virtues I was gifted with and eagerly shared them with others.

At an early age, I saw myself as a protector and a mother. I loved playing with other children and had no problems with being who I was in front of strangers. There was no reason for me to hide, to lock myself away from everyone or to camouflage into the shadows. There was no hesitation or low self-esteem. I felt as if I was as tall as the redwoods and that life loved and looked after me, so there was no need to worry or be afraid of anything.

I remember laying in bed one night, my brother was fast asleep but my dad was still up and he was talking to me about having another daughter, who was older than I was and lived far away. As he told me about her, I said nothing. Just listening to the sound of his voice in my own silence and feeling a strange sensation wash over me. Looking up at him, I cried but he couldn’t see my tears, nor did I want him too. “Am I not good enough?” Those were the words that rang from my depth. My heart ached at the thought of not being the center of my dad’s affections.

Whether that was the first moment, that had me question my self-worth, I don’t really know. There were times I felt forgotten and lonely but never had those incidents caused me to weep with such deep sorrow before.

As the years went on, I struggled greatly with many complicated emotions and tried to find a sense of belonging in other people. It never worked out and I was always left with that dagger of rejection sticking out from my side. It fucking hurt! And I’m not one to use foul language but in this case, it’s the right word to describe the level of pain I was experiencing. Losing friends or rather, coming to the realization that they weren’t ones, to begin with. They never cared for me in the same way that I had cared and loved them. And watching as they moved on with their lives, felt as if existence was mocking me. I was the fool. It would continue to happen, over and over again.

Love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. From whom, at times I’m not so sure. My father… my mother? From God? Who was it that I was searching so desperately for and why hadn’t I found them yet?

(to be continued)