Pain or death. Face your fears in your dreams.

 There is a story or a dream. 

Always wanted to share it, but never could find the words. I'll try it now. 

Maybe cider helps.

When I ended up on “my island” with friends we just planned a one month holiday, but for me it was extended for almost a year.  After they left I had to find a place to stay. 

At that time I didn't know it was unnecessary, as you can live for (almost) free. 

Didn't know the island very well, especially not the climate – ended up in Mordor.  

Turned out the village is perfect for the summertime, but late autumn and winter are just like being in The Netherlands, UK or Scandinavia.  Wind, darkness, rain. The mood of the people was just like that as well - saturnine, gloomy. Stigmatized my days. But not just them, it was me as well. And somehow all my friends disappeared, had no contact with anyone – for about two weeks. And I was hungry to have some company. 

Started to feel myself depressed again, lonely and scared. 

A guy from my pass came to my mind again and again. He never disappears. All the issues of my Life I tried to ignore, and wanted/ didn't want to find a solution. I felt I need to face them. 

What could you do?  

Forest always helps.  

I went there. 

Where else but The Refugio. 

The weather was not even close to feel like being in canaries. All the drivers who picked me up on my way told me not to go up the mountains.  

Didn't want to listen them, and nothing could stop me.  

Spent three days there without meeting anyone. The nights were crazy, just like me... 

When the time came to sleep I've got all the hallucinations of killers, dangerous animals, and the screaming stormy weather didn't help me to stop my freaking-outness. (Does this word even exist?) 

And there was me. The craziest, scariest animal ever.  

Its strange, creepy, but somehow I also did enjoy it. 

Its a fight! Me and me. Me and my imagination.  

One of the afternoons the sun was shining and the wind was strong. I lost control. It brought me to The Rock. I saw the clouds under me, and I knew a kid's dream would come true if I would jump into the marshmallows. Sweet lovely delicious soft protecting marshmallows!! Give sense of Life.  

All the fears were gone and I felt free without responsibilities. Experiences/imagined how to be a bird, to live together with the power of wind. There was smile on my face with tears.   

Free!   

Wanted to step into a new unknown reality, just fall into it. So easy, so lovely, so light.   

But I'm still writing this. 

Something happened there. 

Couldn't choose this way. 

The wind didnt want me to do it. Or was it me? I still don't know.  

I started walking home, what took me about 8 hours. To Mordor.     

My body was crying to some peace and sleep but my mind was fighting against it. The dreams didnt want to come. Just lying in the bed, my body was playing basketball for drum n bass and the blood in my veins was stronger than the waterfall of Niagara.    

The sun came up, and the morning brought The Dream with itself.    

I have to tell you, at that time I didn't watch movies or checking internet for weeks or more than a month. And there was a spike of a cactus under my forefinger's nail.   

The Dream started in an interrogation room. 

No clue why I was there, but I knew those people wanted to hurt me. They didn't tell me any reasons to be there, just offered me two options:   

Pain or Death.   

I couldn't choice – and they didn't give me too much time to make a decision. Just an injection. Under my forefinger's nail.   

I always could watch the most disgusting horror movies and enjoy bloody hell's world, but no operations or injections.   There was no pain, but I knew it was gonna come.    

Suffered, sweated, got the dreams of darkness – in my own dream. Saw my family in pain, friends suffering of deadly disease. Loosing control over my body, my brain stopped working. I turned to be a plant. What I wished for such a long time!    

I felt in pain but peace too.  

Peace? Would it be? To feel no pain, no happiness, having no fears, and no point of Life? Not to see the enchanting shape of flowers, the morning sunshine, the rainy days in late afternoon with a glass of red wine?

Everything disappeared! 

I've got what I wished for.       

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To be continued...  Click: https://steemit.com/intr/@rozsaszinpinty/certain-death-what-would-you-feel