Being a God: My Experience with Psychosis

#Hello Steemit, this is my psychosis story.

In 2014 I had a first episode of #psychosis. It lasted 3 months where I was out of touch with reality.

For a few years I was smoking #Cannabis heavily, from morning to sundown, while studying design at university. For a few years I was under alot of stress from school since I worked very hard but didn't seem to satisfy the subjective study I was taking. I built an open source 3d printer and would make complex prototypes for my projects, thinking that would be enough, but my concepts were generally too complicated, ranging from open source network of drones, to a time travelling watch. My last project was more like #art, and consisted of light animals made of metal wire, which created interesting shadows when shining light through them.

A friend on my hockey team commited suicide, which led me to being a little depressed, and all I did to cope was smoke more #Cannabis to make me feel better. 

I was heavily into #cryptocurrency, and soon moving apartments. I started to think that Kim Dotcom was behind Megacoin, and I started listening to Kim Dotcom's *Good Times* album, also ytcracker, and after a while of these thoughts, I decided to go all in Megacoin, spending all my precious coins and also many Euros, believing I would be super rich once Dr Kimoto would release the new version of Megacoin and take the world by storm.

What drove me to actually being *crazy*, was I started interpreting patterns, and thinking there was hidden messages behind the music. I started to read behind the music that all I needed to do was own some Megacoin, and that soon there would be a real *digital revolution*. Primarily this revolution would take place in China, and spread to the world.

It came time for me to move, and I remember moving all my stuff to my new apartment on my bicycle, and the sound of the 'clicking' lights were making me decide which direction to turn down the road. I was hyper paranoid, since I thought that cameras were watching me. I spent the whole night moving all my belongings and throwing them in a giant pile on the floor of my new apartment. I didn't even own a bed. 

I was seeing a girl at the time, and only went on 2 dates, but I started to believe it was destiny, and for some reason that I was actually Dr. Who. I thought I was supposed to marry this girl, so I printed a metal ring I designed and bought online, but the metal ones didn't come yet, so I had plastic ones instead. I insisted I needed to see her and that it was very important I see her immediately. I thought I needed to get out of Europe since I was in danger. I thought the safest place was to be in New Zealand where Kim Dotcom lived, and where there would be revolutionary forces, and where I could live off my Megacoins.

I saw this girl on the 3rd date (3 was a special number to me, and everything was like 1,2,3!) and told her I was actually an Egyptian Pharaoh and Doctor Who and that I was following signs and patterns which led me to this realization. I told her there would be a big revolution soon and that she should run away with me to New Zealand. I then asked her to marry me, gave her a matching rucksack, and gave her *7* different coloured rings. I think she actually said yes to marrying me (but the memories are slightly blurry). I gave her a kiss goodbye and headed home happily.

She texted or emailed me, and said she couldn't go to New Zealand with me. I was sad, but I knew I needed to leave the country. I bought a plane ticket to New Zealand one way, left my new apartment as a pile of stuff on the floor, and headed to the train station to go to the airport with my bag packed with #art, clothes, and my laptop. I thought people were all secret agents on the train ride, and I would blast music out loud to show them I was not afraid of them. 

I'll jump a little ahead after listening to music and crying about my new fiance the whole plane ride from Amsterdam to Australia. I was ready to board the plane to New Zealand, and one I was on board, I saw someone with a book titled "Angels and Demons", and thought that meant that it would be a scary place in New Zealand, and that they wouldn't let me in the country. I thought I needed to jump out of the plane into the water and swim to shore and live in the wilderness. I decided I would social engineer my way into the country, and was handing my passports to the person in front of me trying to figure out which one I should use. They would keep giving them back to me saying "why are you giving me this, you need this".

I bought a bag of tobacco in the duty-free, and went to the immigration. They stopped me because I only had a one-way ticket. I tried to tell them all about my design projects, and that I was on an #art excursion into the wilderness of New Zealand, and that it was always my dream to go to New Zealand. I wasn't sure what they would do with me, and I didn't have enough money to buy another ticket. There was a man pushing a row of carts, with red tags on it, and red was the colour of the revolution. I took it as a sign, and decided to drop everything, and run after the carts down the hall. There was an exit door to outside the airport, and I ran. I ran across the parking lot, and saw some taxis, I got in one with no money or anything. I heard alarms going off and thought the taxi driver would bring me back to the police, so I jumped out of the moving taxi, cutting my head on the road. I then continued running into some bushes where there was a kind of farm with old cars. I saw police cars driving around, and I was hiding. I found some supplies at this farm, and traded my nice shoes for a pair of boots from the house. I didn't mean to steal, in my mind I was borrowing them.

I trekked through the suburbs, eating random plants, and apples lying on the ground, and jumping over a big wall and crossing a highway in the dark. I was trying to find Kim Dotcoms house and the revolutionary forces. I started knocking on random houses asking where I could find him. I then starting adding up licence plate numbers in my head, making decisions on which way to follow to find the revolutionary forces. I went into an industrial area and found a night guard in a car. I thought he was my contact and I asked him if I could stay at his house. He was shocked at the cut on my head from jumping out of the car, and decided to call the ambulance. The police came, and I was terrified. They put me in hand-cuffs, and took me to the police station. In the cell I started doing *Tai Chi*, since I was learning it, and thought that somehow it would get me out of the situation. They brought me to a Psychiatrist after a few hours, and I thought the Doctor's name was Kimoto Chan, so I told him I was the center of the revolution and I had Megacoins. They said I was going to the Hospital.

I thought they were going to kill me, so I was crying and crying. They took me to the mental hospital. I was so happy to be there and thought everyone was my friends in the revolution. I started to think I was Jesus too. I would help roll tobacco for other patients. I was making drawings and writing about plants on the ground that would heal people. When my father was coming to pick me up and take me back home, I didn't want to leave! I got naked, climbed up a tree and started talking to the birds. The nurses told me I had to come down, so since I was a good young god, I climbed down.

I went home. Started smoking Cannabis, thinking my father was actually an evil dictator who took over his body. I started thinking that I was a shapeshifter, and that a small ant had gotten inside my brain and was controlling my behaviour. This ant was from Mars, and was a princess of ants. She fell in love with me, and was actually the same girl that I asked to marry a while back. I thought when people on the streets saw me, they saw me as an elephant, a penguin, and a bird. Switching all the time. I was constantly waving and stuff, since I thought everyone was watching me since I was the new God.  

Since this is already getting long enough, I will skip some parts which include a trip to Dubai, kissing the air, dodging lasers, and explosions. If people want to hear more about this I will write another post later about it, if people can actually read through all this above.

Lastly I ended up seeing some doctors in Europe, and then I missed an appointment. I might have thought I was going to be teleported into space, back to my home planet of Mars, where the ants lived, and be a king. It's blurry but I think I jumped from my apartment balcony to die and come back to life. I smashed my face, broke both my wrists, and woke up in intensive care.

Breaking myself like this basically woke me up from the psychosis. I was back to reality and all broken. It will be 2 years ago on July 24th, since those were significant numbers to me, 07, 24 was my age, and backwards it was 42, the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

For now I'm still on some anti-psychotic medication, a low dosage, but I have been stable for 1.5 years. I'm studying now, and work full time in the summer, so I've come along way from that time in my life.

I hope some of you manage to read my story even though it's missing a couple parts. 

Have a great day Steemit!