Confessions of A Chronic Cheater: My Spiritual Awakening and How I Learned to Love Myself Again

Hello friends, my name is Magyn, and for the past year I’ve been going through a liberating but painful spiritual awakening. Before I was conscious, I participated in many activities and behaviors that harmed myself and others. Ever since I was a teenager, I used men as my means of happiness. I didn’t think I was complete unless I had a boyfriend. When I didn’t find the happiness I was looking for, (and I never did because I was replacing self love with external love from another), I resented the previous object of my affection. I played a game with my “pets” and I was very good at it. I would analyze the men I was with, figure out their likes, dislikes, preferences; exactly what they wanted in a girlfriend. I would mould myself into their own personalized manic-pixi dream girl. If they drove a lifted truck and listened to country music, I would wear boots and ask to ride ATV’s instead of going to dinner. If they smoked weed all day and listened to rap, I would learn how to roll blunts and braid my hair. If they wanted clingy and affectionate, I’d give it to them. If they wanted sassy and distant, I’d do it. I would make my men fall undeniably in love with me. And when I got bored, I’d move on to another. But not before I cheated, snuck around, lied and inflicted unimaginable pain and heartbreak. I once had a three way with my boyfriend's friend and his girlfriend while he was at work, just a few feet away from his room. I did whatever the fuck I wanted, with no regard for anyone’s feelings, including my own. I was never happy. Not once. Yet I continued this pattern. My heart was completely closed. I had an emotional blockage from an abusive childhood, which left me incapable of giving or receiving genuine love.

My rock bottom came when my on again/off again boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Him and I had a relationship so toxic it rivaled that of the Joker and Harley Quinn. It was a never-ending cycle of heartbreak and deceit, followed by passion and yearning. I’d get bored of him, and find a new boy toy for a few months. He would retaliate by fucking my best friend. Three separate times this happened; it was quite impressive actually. Once he was already fucking a girl that he worked with at a hardware store, and then I started working at that same hardware store. His side chick befriended me, and we eventually became best friends. She talked me into dumping him, and I moved in with her and her parents. She would leave at odd hours, telling me she was hanging out with different friends. I remember once she came home and I was crying in the dark on her bed. She hugged me and I swore I smelled his cologne. A few months later, we signed a lease to our very own apartment. A few days later, I found out she had been fucking him the entire time. He told me everything, every last detail. He sent me pictures of them fucking in our home. He showed me their conversations, told me of the times when we would all three hang out and she would grab his dick when I left the room, telling him she wished I wasn’t there.

Fast forward to the final break-up. Something in me knew. This was it, this was the last time. This was finally the end. The girl he had been having an affair with moved into our apartment right after I moved out. Knowing he finally had a healthy relationship with someone he cared for, while I was alone and heartbroken, absolutely killed me. I went through the worst depression of my entire life. For revenge, I fucked most of his friends, and then I set up the bait. I leered him back in with friendship, and then I seduced him. After four years, I knew exactly how to play it. It hurt him to hurt her, but I didn’t care. One time he cried after sex, and I lay there, stroking his hair and smiling to myself. I was a selfish, twisted individual so caught up in my ego and pride I was almost completely disconnected from source energy. I didn’t see people as light beings, but objects to be mastered.

During the first few months of my spiritual awakening, I felt all of the pain I inflicted with the force of a category 5 hurricane. I reached out to all of the men I hurt, and apologized. Some of them heard me out, some of them rightfully told me to fuck off. For a while, I didn’t try to figure out that why I had behaved the way I did. I let myself wallow in the sorrow and pain of my previous self. For a while I hated myself. I resented the pain I caused and allowed myself to receive. As I continued learning, I realized that the more I lived in the past, the more I was taking away from my present. The first book I read during my awakening was called “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. He talked about how anxiety and depression were caused by our inability to live in and enjoy our present moment. Anxiety comes from worrying about the future, and depression comes from reliving the past. The thing about the future and past, is that they are literally periods of time that DO NOT EXIST. You are literally worrying about things that aren’t there! The only thing that you can truly control is right now.

As soon as I had this realization, I experienced unimaginable bliss. I didn’t have to be chained down by that person anymore! I didn’t have to relive the pain, I didn’t have to punish myself. I could simply move forward and be self-less, compassionate and forgiving. For a while I couldn’t believe I was capable of such happiness. Every morning I would go to my living room, put on my favorite music, jump, dance and throw my hands in the air. I would thank the ceiling above me for letting me be happy. I would start to laugh, and then cry. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I had spent a majority of my life in a deep state of depression and anxiety. And now I was happy. Genuinely, unbelievably happy. I started working out and actually enjoying it, I adopted a vegan, refined-sugar and gluten-free diet. I had a rigorous daily and nightly routine that I would do every morning and every night (pictured below), I started a video series where I informed people why nutrition was so important, I founded a women's empowerment group called Woman of Gold, where our chief aim was to help women break out of the role of victim and step into their true power, I started mentoring depressed individuals and helped them crawl out of the hole I was all too familiar with, and I started traveling to major cities like Chicago and Washington D.C. to model for photographers I long admired but never thought I’d have the opportunity to work with. This is also when I was published in my first magazine.

But what they don’t tell you about spiritual growth is that it’s not a neat little line graph continuously reaching for the sky. It’s a jagged graph with that bastard line shooting up, and then down, and then way up and then way the fuck down, down, down. As I released all of the pain I was repressing and holding onto, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was also coming into my spiritual power as an empath and was dealing with my own magnetized feelings as well as everyone else's. This was also when I moved in with my twin flame (more on him later) in a beautiful mansion in Southern California after spending 10 MONTHS APART with little contact. My dream finally came true, and I wasn’t happy. I lost confidence again. I started cheating on my diet, sometimes consuming dairy even though it made me ill. I stopped working out, causing me once again to gain my little belly pudge which I had been self conscious of since I was a teen. I stopped doing my dailies and nightlies, sometimes going a week without meditating or reading. I stopped doing my nutrition videos and abandoned Women of Gold altogether. I didn’t like my body so I stopped doing shoots as well. I was so ashamed of myself. I wanted to hide, to crawl into a hole and never come out. It was only recently that I had a great realization. I realized how absolutely important it was to love yourself. As soon as I started slipping, I scorned myself. I participated in negative self talk and lost my confidence and happiness. This lead me to slip further, and further. My self deprecation made it SO easy to stop doing the things that made me happy and continue doing things that fed into my low self esteem. Awakening is not always going to be easy. You’re going to face challenges that are meant to make you stronger. You’re going to face demons that you’re meant to release, not hold onto. You’re going to take some steps back, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay there. Keep moving forward. Be GENTLE on yourself, for you are a delicate flower that needs love, patience and light to blossom. Love yourself through the chaos. Love yourself through the pain. You are a beautiful mess, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don’t forget your power. Don’t forget the divinity within you. You are nothing short of fucking miraculous, now own it. 

Disclaimer: The point of this article was not to paint anyone in a bad light. I am simply telling my story exactly as it happened. I hold no resentment towards anyone in my past, (including my past self) for I know their selfish actions were not committed by their true self, but their ego. Please do not make any negative comments about anyone in this article. I have nothing but love for the people who were once part of my journey, and nothing but love for myself.