Life Through My Eyes

My world is not your world. Life, circumstances and nuero-chemicals change the way I see the world. For better and worse. 

This is my introduction post but I am not going to include a picture, a link to my social media (not that I really have much of a online presence) or any other real link to my life. It's not that I am a bot, a fake or trying to deceive you all in some other way but rather I want to use this space for me. The real me. I want to be able to put my real self out into the world the me I am not brave enough to allow to show in my everyday life. The opinions I know those around me won't agree with, the truths of my life past and present that make people uncomfortable and then not know what to say or unable to look me in the eye.

This is my truth, the real me. I have hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) including many co-morbidities including POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), which was complicated by a MVA (motor vehicle accident) which meant by age 30 I looked like any other Super Morbidly Obese (BMI 55) but in fact I am permanently disabled and my weight is a symptom. Simply daily tasks have become a struggle and often a extreme sport. 

I don't believe in the word Victim or Survivor but people use them interchangeably when they refer to my CSA (Childhood Sexual Assault). I started working on it at 19 but it was too much for me and I put it in the don't think about it basket. That "worked" pretty well until my MVA, when I had to go through the legal process of claiming compensation for my injuries and they went fishing for dirt and reasons not to pay. Suddenly everyone had a right to know my dirtiest little secret, I was assaulted from 4-9 then again at 13 and again at 17-19. Now the legal battle is over I am left to try and come to terms with not only what happened to me as a child but also the fact that so many people in my life now know.

They say the lord doesn't give us more than we can cope with, in order to cope with my childhood he gave me Autism. I am a high functioning Aspie (Asperger's Syndrome), my inability to understand people and my ability to compartmentalise is only rivalled by my love to routines and rules! 

I love homesteading but struggle with the physicality of it but try my best and rope my partner in when I can! I used to be a adrenaline junkie but now I am unable to do those activities so I craft, when walking from one end of the house to the other can be a dangerous activity crafting takes on more of a challenge. 

Between it all I am looking for a community who will not only accept the real me but help me discover who I am but more importantly who I will become. I know the life I dreamed of and worked on creating for 30 years is gone but I am only 35 so I have plenty of time to start again.

Thanks for reading and see you all around!