How to Meet People

HEY YOU, LET’S LEARN A THING OR TWO ABOUT SOCIALISING

ARE YOU A FUCKING FAILURE WHEN IT COMES TO INTRODUCTIONS? IT’S TIME TO START MEETING PEOPLE LIKE THE BADASS MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE

STEP 1: The Initial View

AS THE COCKSUCKER YOU ARE ABOUT TO MEET APPROACHES, SLAP A FUCKING SMILE ON YOUR FACE. THAT’S RIGHT YOU GODDAMNED DEGENERATE, ACT AS IF YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO MEET THIS CHUNK OF LIVING FLESH YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND ONLY THEY CAN MAKE YOU HAVE SUCH A GODDAMN NICE SMILE

STEP 2: Eye Contact

ONCE THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS ABOUT 6 PACES AWAY, MAKE EYE CONTACT. STARE DEEP INTO THEIR SOUL WITH YOUR EYES, PENETRATE DEEP WITHIN THEIR SHITTY ASS SKULL WITH YOUR PRECIOUS SMILE YOU HAVE GRANTED THEM AND EVEN STATE A GOOD MORNING OR SOME SHIT IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER AS LONG AS IT SOUNDS NICE AND MEANS NOTHING

STEP 3: The Handshake

THIS SIMPLE FUCKING STEP IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ON THIS SHITTY GUIDE, CAUSE FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE KEY, SO LISTEN UP MOTHERFUCKER. NOW THAT YOU HAVE THAT PERSON OF INTEREST IN FRONT OF YOU, STICK OUT YOUR FILTHY ASS HAND ABOUT HALFWAY IN BETWEEN YOURSELF AND SAID PERSON. ONCE THEY GRAB HOLD YOU MAKE A FIRM GRIP, DON’T BE A FUCKING PANSY AND HALF ASS THAT SHIT, AND DON’T YOU GIVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER A GODDAMNED DEATH GRIP CAUSE THATS THE TYPE OF SHIT THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A CUNT. INSTEAD, TRY AND MATCH THEIR SHITTY HANDSHAKE AND REMAIN EQUIVALENT THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HAND TRANSACTION. NOW, ONCE YOU HAVE THIS SMALL MORSEL OF HUMAN FLESH IN YOUR GRIP, BOB IT UP AND DOWN TWICE, THEN LET GO AND RETREAT, NO MORE, NO LESS, OTHERWISE YOU ARE STILL A SOCIALLY INEPT SCUMBAG. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE SHIT TO DO WHILE YOU MEANINGLESSLY SHAKE THE OTHER HUMAN’S SWEATY ASS HAND, INTRODUCE YOURSELF, YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO. START SPEWING YOUR SHITTY MESSAGE OUT ONCE YOU TOUCH HANDS WITH THE OTHER IN THE LEAST GAY WAY POSSIBLE, AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHIT TO SPEW, TRY THIS “(Hi) I’m ______, pleased to meet you sir/ma’am” IF YOU ALREADY SAID HI OR HELLO, DON’T SAY IT AGAIN OR ELSE YOU SEEM LIKE THAT FUCKING BLUE FISH FROM NEMO.

STEP 4: The Conversation

NOW THAT YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE INITIAL GREET WITH THIS UNIMPORTANT SCUMBAG, THERE ARE TWO PATHS YOU CAN TAKE: IF IT’S CASUAL FAMILY OR FRIEND, MAKE LIGHT CONVERSATION, DON’T GET DEEP WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER OTHERWISE YOU’LL SCARE THEM OFF AND END UP ALONE IN YOUR HOME AGAIN SOBBING THE TEARS OF A THOUSAND CHILDREN. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT, DO NOT GO SILENT LIKE A CREEPY ASS FUCKING DEGENERATE, MAKE SHIT UP. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT “Crazy weather, eh?” TYPE SHIT, THAT’S IS HOW YOU END UP BEING A SOCIALLY INEPT SCUMBAG AGAIN. FIND AND MEMORIZE STUPID FUCKING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT KIND OF SHIT YOU DO TO PASS THE TIME AS THE CONSTANTLY TICKING CLOCK OF YOUR EXISTENCE WANES AND YOUR PRESENCE IN THIS WORLD SLOWLY FADES. IF YOU ARE THE MOST BORING MOTHERFUCKER ON THE PLANET AND LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO WASTE YOUR BREATH TELLING YOUR TEMPORARY INSIGNIFICANT OTHER, CREATE A LIGHTHEARTED ARGUMENT. THAT’S RIGHT YOU BUMBLING IDIOT, NOT ONLY DOES AN ARGUMENT ALLOW BOTH PARTIES TO VOICE OPINIONS, IT SHOWS CHARACTER, PERSONALITY, AND BY ACCEPTING AND ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR STANCE, YOU SHOW HOW MUCH YOU “CARE” FOR THIS UNIMPORTANT MEATBAG AND THEIR SHITTY FUCKING OPINION. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ARGUE ABOUT, MAKE SOMETHING STUPID UP LIKE YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE OR SOME SHIT. IT DOESN’T REALLY FUCKING MATTER, NEITHER OF YOU WILL REMEMBER THE CONVERSATION, YOU’LL REMEMBER THE ENCOUNTER AND THAT YOU HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION. NOW, IF THIS IS ABOUT BUSINESS OR SOMETHING OFFICIAL LIKE THAT SHIT, FORGET YOUR STUPID ASS LIGHT CONVERSATION. GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT OR GET STRAIGHT THE FUCK OUT. IN THE BUSINESS WORLD, NOBODY GIVES A TROY OUNCE OF DOG SHIT ABOUT YOUR BORING ASS LIFE, SO GET TO THE POINT AND DO IT QUICK, THEN LEAVE BEFORE THE MOTHERFUCKER CAN TRY TO ROPE YOU INTO PETTY CONVERSATION, THIS IS BUSINESS AFTER ALL, SCUMBAG, NOT FRIENDSHIP.

STEP 5: Sealing the Deal

AS YOU TWO BUMBLING MOTHERFUCKERS BLABBER ON, THE CONVERSATION WILL EVENTUALLY COME TO AN END. DON’T LEAVE AWKWARDLY OR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONVERSATION UNLESS THERE IS AN EMERGENCY OR A CHANCE YOUR NEW TALKING BUDDY IS A SERIAL KILLER OR SOME SHIT, OTHERWISE YOU’LL LEAVE ON A BAD NOTE, LIKE HAVING A 100% ACCURACY THROUGHOUT YOUR FAVORITE SONG ON GUITAR HERO OR SOME SHIT AND MISSING THE LAST NOTE AND HAVING TO RESTART IN ORDER TO NOT FEEL LIKE THE FAILURE YOU ONCE WERE. AFTER YOU’VE FINISHED EXCHANGING THROAT VIBRATIONS, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. DON’T MAKE THINGS AWKWARD BY HANGING AROUND WITH YOUR NEW AQUANITENCE QUIETLY, ONCE THE CONVERSATION ENDS, TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOODBYE AND WALK AWAY.

STEP 6: The Aftermath

HOLY SHIT! CONGRATULATIONS MY SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY BECOME A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING. BY ACING THAT SHIT BETTER THAT AN ASIAN KID ON A MATH EXAM, THAT FIRST ENCOUNTER MAY HAVE BECOME THE FIRST OF MANY BY NOT ONLY HAVING PROVEN YOURSELF TO THAT WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT YOU ARE IN FACT A HALF DECENT PERSON, BUT YOU HAVING CREATED A RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD BECOME MEANINGFUL, BUT PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE LIFE IS MEANINGLESS MOTHERFUCKER.

Glezym