Healing from Crazy Sexual Trauma - Forced Male Abstinence - Can I heal? [Help?]

When I was a just little kid, I had a terrible experience. When at my female cousin's place, through some psychologically triggered process of some kind, which I don't understand to this day, I started cumming drastically and multiple times. It is very blurry. I couldn't have been older than 12. I was somewhere in between the ages of 9-13. Ever since I have associated the orgasm with death. This process has been triggered exactly by what triggered it the first time: Adults fiddling with the computer or, more specifically, the fucking keyboard. I don't know what it is, but it is there. It can make me start cumming if looked at, listened to or even THOUGHT ABOUT for too long. It feels as if I'm being raped, and this phenomenon was with me my entire childhood and all of my teenage years. The result of this traumatic event is this: Never masturbate. Ever. Not even once. Zero sexual "satisfaction" (I don't even know what that means since I've never experienced it myself. I associate sexual climax with death. How can it be anything else? I can't undertand this. I can't! Help?

Sex and orgasms to mean death and suffering for years and years, because that is what happened to me, and it is what I experienced. While sleeping there at my cousin's having multiple orgasms over a period of over one hour, it felt as if I was being raped to death. How is this possible? I don't understand it, but it is real, and even thinking about it again can make me start having involuntary muscle spasms "down there". How is this even possible? I remember thinking as a child I was possessed by some monster that could control me at will. How can a thought

I fear, and take for granted, that my complete abstinence from even "cumming", as they call it, has permanently changed me both psychologically physiologically. I believe it has had permanent damages on my physical and mental health. What do you believe? I feel it is impossible to never masturbate without doing at least some damage to your body or to the mind, for that matter.

However, here's the catch: I still had a sexuality. Yes, I am by no means, and have never been, asexual. This is the hard part. I was very late when it came to liking girls. I think I was 15 or something when I finally admitted to myself that I liked. Yet, I could not relieve myself. Ever. Orgasm was to me the greatest punishment in this universe, for it had been the greatest torture in that bed back there and then when I slept over at my cousin's. I could let myself cum. To cum was to die. I have not voluntarily made myself cum. I am almost 25.

Steemit, what the fuck can I do? What was it that I experienced, what happened and why did it happen? Please, can you help me?