I used to sell drugs, now I give a shit

**No bullshit either. This is a long read, grab a drink. **

Hello esteemed members of the Steemit community.

My name is Causa, great to be here =).

First and foremost, I'm digging the carpet my dudes, y'all got a nice set up going here (da dum tsst)

OK, well jokes aside, I guess this is a post meant to tell others about my story eh?

As the title may infer life hasn't exactly been all roses and sexy lingerie in my face (a man can dream), and I've had my roles to play, but I'd be damned if I said I didn't come out of it all a better person.

I was born on October 6th, 1992 to a Lebanese-Italian family. My mother, the only daughter out of four kids in her family and the oldest sibling, my father the youngest of his four siblings. My parents met in an LA nightclub named Byblos, named after the ancient city in Lebanon. My mother was out with my grandparents and uncles and as the story goes, pops rolled up on mama like a stick of deodorant! Fast forward a marriage and an older sister, and here I am.

My father is an ex military man from the old country. He's shook hands with Donald Rumsfield and George H.W, fought in the Lebanese Civil War, probably has conceived dozens upon dozens of children out of wedlock as he traveled the world, married over several women (including my mom) and is for all intents and purposes a psychopathic and sociopathic individual. I'm pretty sure he's involved in some underworld dealings these days too, he has a lot of friends in really shadowy places (plus he's almost killed me with his gun and knife multiple times, but that's another story).

My dad has always been described as a brilliant animal of sorts. He was uncontrollable in behavior as a child and violent throughout his life. He's highly intelligent in a multitude of different fields, from cooking to construction, but his emotional capacity is nearly nonexistent. He values power, wealth, and image as these things grant "prestige" in his words.

My mother is the oldest of four kids and the only girl. She was raised in the desolate deserts of 1960s Khartoum, where apartheid reigned and your nearest neighbor was a mile away. My grandfather was a businessman by trade, running dry cleaning businesses with my grandmother who was an experienced tailor. My grandmother was an emotionally manipulative person and a somewhat uncaring attention seeker according to my mother. In my personal experiences with her, she was a very sweet woman but held her nose high at times. They moved to Los Angeles in the 80s and set up a small shop in downtown. My grandfather died in the 90s, my grandmother died in 2014.

Being the oldest sibling and the only girl in a harsh desert upbringing really toughened my mom up. Her work ethic and will to succeed came from the constant work she had to do from a young age to support herself and family. My mom has been through some levels of economic hell in her time, and she's always been the hardest worker and smartest budgeter I have ever known. Part of her drive comes from the lack of emotional support she had growing up; there was very little empathy in such a place or household for drying tears or talking through emotions.

My parents are Arab and that means a lot for those of you who know. Those of you who need some more information, let me give you an example.

Many Middle Eastern households are constantly stocked with a spicy ingredient: Pride.

My people can carry a lot of pride, and with such upbringings my parents are in no short supply. Both were raised in terms of survival and worldly success, not in terms of compassion and communion. This leads to my upbringing and the negatives I've associated with it.

See the thing that's negative isn't necessarily that my parents were/are proud and that pride itself has a tendency to burn, it's that their pride would clout their judgment and prevent(s) them from opening up emotionally.

Their ideas of self were (and still are) based on how the world validates them. If they didn't have a good home or car, they're not good enough. If they weren't perceived as being a specific type of person, they weren't a person at all. They could talk like they knew better but they couldn't catch their own hypocrisy.

My mom and dad were like Romeo and Juliet. Wherever they went, the town was painted red. My dad has insecurity with himself and how he's perceived, probably stemming from his childhood where he was a little devil (and people thus perceived him as a shithead), and my mom has sensitivity issues stemming from a lack of compassion and validation from her mother. My dad was physically abusive towards my mother, and my mother was verbally abusive towards my father. I realize the problem was that he preferred to be spoken to a specific way and my mother has a hard time validly understanding when she's doing something to harm others. My father also was very commanding and a womanizer, but I probably bet the latter happened later on as they both got sick of one another. I believe they both fell in love with the image the other person held up, and the mirage lasted until their divorce and dad's disappearance when I was around four years old.

My dad tried to get back into our lives a lot but my mom refused to let him for her vendetta against him, and to shield us from his influence.

My dad ended up remarrying a multi millionaire Muslim Filipina doctor and owns multiple houses and cars now. My sister and I have relied on my mother for support our entire lives and we were always shielded from how broke we were by the constant sacrifices she made.

Trust me, there's a lot of shit there that I can get deeper into (for example dad lied about going to Disneyland and took me and sister to a strip club to make some business deal, dad broke mom's nose and went to jail, mom cooks food for us but won't tell us about her feelings, dad is partially insane now, I can go on), but this is just a little about my life up to now so you can understand my motives and thoughts.

My dad and I have tried to reconnect many times, but his inability to understand his role or duty in this fucked up story is partially the reason we can never get along (also we both are prideful and believe that we deserve to be treated a specific way by each other regardless our relationship)

Oh, also I'm a major pothead and he seems to think that's heroine level druggin'.

My dad tells me still if we ever speak how I deserve to live like a king...but he lets me struggle.

It hurts me guys and it did for a while.

I was a kid who was full of pride and anger. I learned how to be macho from dad and how to hold onto my pain like mom. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar Disorder and had been in and out of several schools by the 2nd grade. I had been put on Ritalin and Lamictal from the age of 6 until 13 when I demanded my psychiatrist re-evaluate me. After a series of tests over the course of weeks (I secretly took half of them on Ritalin and the other half normally), I was deemed "normal".

I hated feeling different from everyone else, I felt like I had to prove myself constantly.

I had ended up in a K-12 school for behaviorally challenged kids, and stayed there through elementary and middle school grades.

It was through the teachings of many a positive role model that I learned how to socialize properly, how to express my emotions verbally and through positive experiences, how to be a person besides the shallow outer parts.

As I got older I found my interests.

Working out, computers, women, guns, and around the age of 17: Cannabis.

Getting into pot and being proud about myself during really affected my relationship with my mom and as I started to get to know my dad again, I was naive in letting him know I smoked, which has permanently faulted me in both their eyes.

If I could go back and stop my foolish pride from thinking people can accept you as you wish to be accepted, I'd never have told a fucking soul about my personal decisions.

I was naive.

I got into a relationship with my first girlfriend when I was 19. We were together a year and a half and ended up renting a house together. She was vindictive and insecure, and I was prideful and isolated.
That relationship broke us. I was working full weekends at a dispensary and going to college full time, she was getting funded by her dad just to study (with half my units).

I eventually succumbed to my stresses in the relationship and this ended up getting me in trouble.

It took me nearly two years to pick my pieces up enough to feel comfortable again.

I started dealing drugs when I discovered desert gatherings and festivals. My family was still broke even with all of us working, my pride was angry at me for being 22 and without even a car to my name, and I stopped believing in the system as a result.

I wanted to get rich quick, put all the money into a business (as I had proposed to my millionaire father multiple times to do but he thinks I'm a loser drug addict), and flex so hard on the world. I wanted to validate my worth by being successful.

Fast forward a bunch of nasty people, horrible women, bad health choices, and a felony drug charge in both Texas and California, here I am.

My mom now has been out of a job for almost a year and it's breaking her mind apart to feel like shes useless. Her age is playing a factor too of course, everyday I see her slipping a little more in senility, but she doesn't want to get emotions out she has locked inside her. She doesn't want to change anything or try anymore. It's as if she's waiting to just disappear. It breaks my heart to watch the person who was my totem of strength behave so helplessly.

I currently have to pay hundreds of dollars each month to the system for my fines and fees. I can't leave California. I was working as a waiter over the course of this year until the business shut down.

Then I went to Burning Man.

We'll talk about that later.

Now, I found work 10-12 hour days for $12 an hour as a truck driver (and I'm actually lucky that I somehow found this in time to make ends meet) and have little time for much else, including finishing my chemistry degree.

Shit has been raw.

But see, enough of this sad shit.

With all that said, that's my motivation.
My passionate fuel.
My reason still to get up everyday at 4 am to work for a better tomorrow.

And that's why I'm here Steemit.

I want to change the world. I want to share my ideas and life with people everywhere to help them understand themselves and their lives.

These, are my primary interests:

Music

I love to write and sing. Music compels me to move, to stop, to think, to feel. I an avid freestyle vocalist/rapper and I'll be posting many different songs and poems. Music has always been my get away from the things I've dealt with in life.

Sports and Fitness

Physical stimulation, 'nuff said. I've been a champion wrestler in high school, a semi pro boxer in college, and an avid gym rat. I love to learn more about the human body and how to utilize its mechanisms towards gainful impacts. Whenever I get wind of a cool new workout I love to share it and help instruct others of how to best perform the exercises. Definitely gonna document and share some dope hikes and fitness plans!

Technology

I've built multiple PCs, from gaming towers to number crunchers. I love to stay up to date on all things electric, from the newest fridge models to electronic cars, to unreleased phone leaks. Whenever I perform a new build or run into problems with gadgets I find others may have, I definitely love to share!

Cannabis

Weed, is all you need...well...a bong is good too.

I smoke heavily, I'd say at least a half eighth a day if I'm conservative and no limit if I'm going hard. Everything from cultivation, preparation, concentration, to glass brands and history and interesting political developments, I love to share the ganja. I'm planning a weekly program to be put up on Youtube/posted here featuring detailed strain reviews, special guests, and in depth discussions.

Science

As I've said I'm studying to receive my Chemistry degree, so it should come as no surprise that I enjoy all things chemical in nature and definitely love to share journals and articles about the latest in scientific research. I tend to present my own opinions and findings on certain topics as well when it comes to sharing, I love discussing what is and isn't!

Food

As a co-owner of Third Eye Pizza Pies - a mobile wood fired pizza truck and a former chef at a vegan restaurant, I can say that food is an absolute delight in my life. Sadly I've had to suspend operations recently in order to pay legal costs/fines and stay out of jail, but I can't wait to share the return of the pizza with all of you. Definitely love to document great restaurants and write reviews for them (but fuck yelp) I love to concot different dishes and drinks and share the experience and recipes. I bet you didn't know there are multiple ways to make a White Russian?

These interests, among others, bring me joy and help me keep on keeping on in the face of any adversity or struggle, and it'll be an honor to share deeply with new friends and family to come.

Life isn't easy for me right now, but I can't wait to share how much it keeps improving.

Ya dig?

Gimme a follow, let's cultivate a solid friendship.

Thanks for taking the time,

AND STAY TUNED FOR SOME DOPE SHIT!

Love <3