Hi, I’m Gracie. I’m just a regular mom with a job and too much to do. That’s not my real name, by the way. You can’t be too careful these days. There are some sick people out there.

Right now it’s almost a new day and I am ready for bed. It was an okay day. The pedophile I am lurking hasn’t posted any new videos or streamed live recently. I am feeling hopeful. Did it all work? I just can’t resist the temptation to check one last time.

Leon Bublitz @leon_bublitz.com via unsplash.com

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My heart immediately sinks when I see that he’s live. It’s time to pour a glass or roll one (it’s great to be Canadian). I’m too upset to sleep now.

How on earth did I get here? Maybe it happened because I watched too many episodes of Unsolved Mysteries as a kid. It could have started my fascination with true crime and abnormal psychology? Possibly. One thing I do know about me is that my brain needs to learn, seek, and understand the world to a degree that leaves me exhausted. I guess it was inevitable that I would tumble down Alice’s rabbit hole, at some point.

In the past 2 decades I have watched more true crime documentaries than I care to number. I love ones that make me dust off my expensive psychology degree and take a deeper look. I lock into the psyche of monsters. I think way too much about these sick bastards. I study how they think and interact with the world.

As a result, I can sometimes recognize monsters in my own world.

It has been a grim, fascinating and so very scary realization.

Then, there’s something has been bothering me for years. My charming, gorgeous, and talented daughter reached a certain age (around 11) and all of a sudden these creepy old men were everywhere. They gawked at her. They aggressively tried to get her attention, and to get her to talk to them. I could see that it impacted her, even if she couldnt verbalize it. She stopped wearing cute clothing and began wearing oversized sweatshirts. She began to look at the world differently.

Thankfully things are a bit better now that she’s a few years older (sick, right?). Things have been worse for some of her friends. Those who were victimized as children are quickly becoming traumatized adults. I feel like I let these kids down. I didn’t do enough.

I’ve come to a personal opinion about how people react to pedophilia. I think that most people just have a mentality that will stop them from going there emotionally. For one reason or another, a protective, automatic response occurs.

Alex Iby @alexiby via unsplash.com

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< just-make-it-go-away!!! >

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Its a reflex that happens when some people talk about predators and their victims. It is hard to wrap your head around the horror. Child sex abuse is arguably the worst kind of crime. Its enough to make the most well adjusted person a depressed and miserable mess or a raging ball of fury, depending on the person.

There is a rage that burns in me when I have to hear about the worst parts. It can be a shock to the system. For me, it feels like I’ve been hit in the chest so hard I can’t breathe. Then it morphs into an ache. I have heard others also describe feeling physical pain. For other people it feels like being smacked on the head or a sharp face pain.

It hit me worst the first time I watched Dude** on YouTube openly talk about “dating” young children. To say it’s infuriating is an understatement. A person gets triggered pretty quickly when a pedo smugly looks into the camera and says ‘look, theres nothing that YOU can do, so you’re just wasting your time if you try’.
Dude loves to flaunt our helplessness. Maybe that’s why he gets to me so much. He’s right, in that nothing has worked yet. Various people have done things illegally, legally and everything in between, to stop Dude.

Please make no mistake, I do not believe in vigilante justice. Every suspected pedophile should have the right to a fair trial. Then Bubba can deal with him.

That being said, no matter who tries to stop it, or how, Dude just keeps on going. It has been painful to see the lack of response by YouTube. They have some serious problems they need to address. However, that’s a deep dive for another day.

There are two things that have comforted me during a few dark days. The first is the recent discovery of a few secretive, protective, outspoken people who are maybe just as crazy as I am. The second is the knowlege that there are angels fluttering around in the darkest corners of the internet. They work so hard to help children. I am lucky to know that information. It gives me hope.

In all honesty, I really don’t know how this personal journey is going to go, but I would really love to take some trash out. I dont know how, I just have to keep trying. I’ve got a few ideas. #innocenceproject

NordWood Themes @nordwood via unsplash.com

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Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to write this article. Reapz, from ExposingExploitation, exposingexploitation.home.blog ♥️ thank you for holding my hand and making me feel less crazy. This article wouldn’t have happened without you.

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** I would like to note that I am not using a psydonymn to protect Dude or his identity. I am doing this to protect the people who are fighting to get him gone! So for now, he’s “Dude” until I am more comfortable revealing specific details.