Mirrored

Instagram brought out the chameleon traits in me, the follower. With a desire to be “different”, a need to be liked and approved of. I literally wanted other people to think I was cool. Putting it into words brings a chuckle to my lips because just to admit that seems so scary, which feels very childish. Through admitting that I wanted to be “cool”, I’m automatically not “cool”. In my life, this manifested as being liked meant you couldn’t be authentic, you couldn’t be yourself. In other words, you would not be liked or thought of as “cool” if you didn’t try to be like someone else.

In middle school I trained myself to act like others in order to “be cool”, to be in “the group”. “The Group” was what the “popular” clique of girls referred to themselves as. I went so far as to be cruel and hurtful not just to other people, but also to people I actually deeply loved and cared about.

I still carry so much shame around the way I treated my best friend in middle school. Shame not just because I was hurtful towards her, but also shame because of how weak I was. Weak and silent. Never once did I question the others actions and stand up for those we bullied. Instead I went along with it, or at times even instigated it.

Due to this deep realization I can see clearly how much of my life after my middle school years involved self sabotaging in order to inflict pain upon myself. Subconsciously believing that I deserved to suffer because of my cruelty to others in the past.

In a way, I have instagram to thank for this realization because it became such a massive mirror to learn from. Such a triggering experience that I could no longer ignore the shame. I had to turn and face myself. And in doing so I met my authentic self - or at least parts of her. We’re still getting to know one another.

Inside my heart lives a twelve year old girl growing up in rural Montana with a desperate hope that she will fit in, that people will like her, that she will experience connection, that she will know deep love. And for so long, all of my adult life I’ve ignored her and lied to her. Telling her that she must pretend to be someone else in order to find the connection she craves. When the simple truth is that the truest and deepest of all connections is through loving oneself. Showing up in the world without filters or masks or expectations and instead showing up whole, raw, and vulnerable.

This type of showing up will set you free, free from the chains you’ve placed on your own mind to keep you small. Showing up unafraid. Showing up without apology. Showing up shining your own light and encouraging others to do the same.

Focus on facing yourself. On being truthful. Truthful to yourself about who you are. Release the judgments you hold about others as more often than not, it’s simply a judgment you’re holding against yourself. Our biggest triggers are often mirrors into where we ourselves need to look deep and grow from.

And what better place to be mirrored than an app filled with photos and videos of everything you’re not. Which, of course everyone on instagram is everything you’re not - literally everyone on the planet is everything you’re not because you are the sole YOU. But rather than see this as the incredible miracle that it is, we have chosen to see it as everything that’s wrong with us. Rather than celebrating someone else’s uniqueness, we find it threatening and compare us to them and them to us.

Ultimately, I’m grateful to instagram for opening my eyes to my patterning. Once I had identified why I am the way I am - or one of the many things that make me, me - I was able to begin rewiring my subconscious belief systems. It’s a work in progress, to say the least. But now, with a deep awareness of and connection to my inner child, higher self, and most authentic version I’m able to show up for myself in a way I never have. In this new experience of shedding layers I’ve begun to catch glimpses of what it feels like to live a radically happy and free life.

I still slip. I still fall into negative patterning. Sometimes my mask slips on without my awareness, while other times I am fully aware of throwing up a filter and chameleoning into the situation at present. But my authentic self is never far. It’s almost as though two selves are battling for control - the familiar cultural and generational programming that feels safe vs. the deeply rooted ancient knowing and truth of who I am.

Each day is a practice to show up in love and authenticity and challenge my old ways. But each day I revel in the wonder it is to be a human being. To be here on earth. To have consciousness. To experience all that we have, are, can and will experience in this lifetime and others. It is a blessing to be you, a gift that shouldn’t be wasted.